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Old 09-01-2013, 09:26 AM
 
Location: McKinleyville, California
6,413 posts, read 8,856,810 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyCo View Post
My daughter asked me once, a few months after she had told me what happened, "What would you do if I told you I was lying?" I said, "I'd ask why you're lying now, because I know you already told me the truth." That was it; she was just testing me to see if I really believed her. Of course I did. I knew exactly who was the liar in this situation, and it was my ex, a horrible excuse for a human being!

My daughter even told me that she thought about telling her stepmom, but decided not to. Her stepmom had issues (well, she'd have to, to be involved with my ex!), and my daughter couldn't risk telling her. If she told someone once and wasn't believed, she never would have taken that risk again. Thank God she chose to tell me!!! (Btw, the stepmom's reaction to all of this: "I just want everything to be the way it used to be!" Really?! )

A couple of years ago, my daughter asked me why I had left her and her brother with him in the first place. I said, "I've been waiting for you to ask that. It was a terrible mistake. I was very young, and I thought I was a terrible mother. If I could go back in time, I'd do things very differently."

Nothing angers me more than when someone doesn't own up to their mistakes. I messed up, so I had to tell her that. Too many parents would say something like, "Why are you asking that now? That was years ago!" or "I did the best I could; sorry if I was supposed to be perfect!" This was about her pain and suffering; how could I give her a flimsy excuse?
It is never too late to make amends. I used to hate my dad for leaving my Mom when she was 7 months pregnant with me. As a teen and into my twenties, I hated him passionately, I blamed him for leaving me and thus for any cercumstances that I had to go through. But in my early 30's I found I could not get away for the skeletons in my closet and chose to open that door and own what was in it, to confront my fears. One was a fear of the dark, that one lingered the longest. I still have a fear of heights that can overwhelm me still. A few of my older brothers would hold me out a second story window by my arm or my feet and threaten to drop me, I would scream and cry for them to stop. The memory only came back a few years ago when a friend put my dog on a ledge with a 50 foot drop and I freaked out and it all flooded back. Anyway, I found my real dad when I was 34 in 1994, He owned up his leaving me behind and apologized, he was young, got scared and ran away from his responsiblities. I did not hate him any more and out of it I got 4 more sisters and a brother to love, five siblings I did not know I had. It is never too late to try and make amends and say I made a mistake.
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Old 09-01-2013, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Northeastern US
14,070 posts, read 8,562,897 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally Beagle View Post
Shouldn't sexual abuse be uncommon, especially in childhood?
It should be, but it's astoundingly common, and statistically is more likely to be perpetrated by relatives. They are the ones with the trust and the opportunity and the leverage.
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Old 09-01-2013, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Northeastern US
14,070 posts, read 8,562,897 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDragonslayer View Post
I found my real dad when I was 34 in 1994, He owned up his leaving me behind and apologized, he was young, got scared and ran away from his responsibilities.
It's a common story. My late second wife's father did just that when she was 11. He ran off with another woman, disappeared for years, was declared dead, then later it came out he was a drifter, ended up in Alaska and died alone of emphysema. He was a Korean war vet, I suspect he had what we would now call PTSD, and I think he was painfully shy and anxious even before he was sent to the battlefield. Tried to play the cool tough guy and felt inadequate and like a fraud. My wife idolized him and was thereafter attracted to emotionally unavailable men, hence the fate of her first marriage.

People who do things like that are generally damaged, young and foolish, or both. It's seldom truly and mindfully personal. But it hurts anyway. I'm not sure who suffered more, her Dad, or my wife and her mother. It had huge knock on effects for the rest of all their lives.
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Old 09-03-2013, 01:47 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,738 posts, read 6,175,147 times
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it does affect a lot more people, it affects everyone who comes in contact with the person who was hurt and the one doing the damage. It's like the ripple effect...
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:12 AM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,455,105 times
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I have a cousin, who is schizophrenic, she states her Father sexually abused her for years. This has created a huge fracture in our family, half support her, the other half think she is mentally ill, and making things up. You are on one side or the other.

My opinion really is irrelevant...but, she has had a very rough time. She gets confrontational, demanding to know if you believe her....I just want to stay out of it...I have tried to help support her, and be there for her, she is in and out of the state mental hospital, and now lives in a group home. But her insistence on believing her...has created issues. I don't know...

She has cut herself off from anyone who does not believe her. Her parents deny everything. Half her siblings support her....the other half say she is crazy.
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:26 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
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that's a shame... she may have mental problems because of being abused. You tend to go to a "place in your head" while it's happening, pretend it's happning to someone else or just a part of you. The brain is so complicated and it protects in a way. I doubt she's making it up. But that's my opinion because maybe I tend to stand on the side of the person that had to go through it. I guess she really needs to know who's side a person is on even more because of being doubted so much. Maybe she often doubts herself?
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:30 PM
 
24,724 posts, read 26,794,844 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally Beagle View Post
A childhood friend of mine was abused and her parents never believed her, I did, but we were so young, and I did not know how to help her.

Fast forward to adulthood, a co-worker's daughter was abused by her step-father of 6 weeks, whom my friend promptly divorced.

Shouldn't sexual abuse be uncommon, especially in childhood?

Does anyone have any experience with it?
This is sad, but unfortunately, it's a common scenario.

Yes, childhood sexual abuse should be uncommon. Unfortunately, it is not. It is coming down systematically from the top of the power pyramid. Children from single parent/divorced family situations are also more vulnerable to it.
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Old 01-31-2014, 08:58 PM
 
2,096 posts, read 3,653,626 times
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I might be in the minority but I really don't feel like pedophiles deserve to die. Should they be punished? Of course, but I think death is too much. As horrible as molestation is, I don't think it's as bad as killing somebody. I'm an atheist and I strongly believe that taking someone's life is the worst thing you can do to a person, and nobody should have the right to do it to another, legally or otherwise.

Castration I could get down with. We do it to pets so why not to child molesters? If you ruin someone's sexuality, it's a proportional and fair punishment to have yours taken away. But I think killing is too much, and I'm against the institution of capital punishment anyway.
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Old 01-31-2014, 09:07 PM
 
Location: SoCal
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@The OP's question: No, I myself was never sexually abused by anyone, whether it was my relative(s) or not.
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Old 02-01-2014, 02:15 AM
 
Location: Somewhere
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No I wasn't but my many people in my familly were(not the same perpetrators though). Some never spoke, others were ignored. My mother's sister was married to a man who raped his own daughters(my cousins). My aunt adored him until she died in her 70's. She didn't stay for the money because they were extremely poor and even lived in slums without power or running water. She was pregnant 19 times but very few kids survived childhood. I think one or two commited suicide in adulthood. Maybe this sickhead also raped his boys. My aunt and her husband loved each other and were inseparable. One of the sickest love stories I have heard of.

I remember also my mother had a friend who was dating a man with a big secret. I was too young but I knew it was something aweful by the way they spoke about it. It turns out he was friends with a homeless boy and the boy changed his attitude radically. Eventually the boy opened up and told him a man was raping him. My mother's friend boyfriend killed the rapist and he never got caught.
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