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As someone that can relate to all of those things I believe there is quite a difference between them, as someone has posted previously as well. I don't get invited to many things in general because I lack many friends and I'm unable to work, so I don't have any co-workers. When I did get invited to anything however I would usually just decline if it were something like a party or any place of that nature because I'm not into that. Anyone that knows me already would know by now what kind of things to invite me to or not I hope, so I've never really had a problem with having to tell someone no often. I however do appreciate being invited, it's nice to know that someone is at least thinking about you.
So basically, you know why YOU don't do certain things, and that's about the extent of it.
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^I didn't say I knew exactly why other people "do certain things".
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These introvert/extrovert threads are getting really old. Regardless of personality, some people don't like certain things. Some people don't want to hurt others' feelings by saying, "sorry, but your family smells, your house is a pig stye, your kitchen should be condemned, and I can't stand you".
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^If you find such threads "are really getting old", then you don't have to respond to them.
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So instead, they say, "sorry, I have something".
Maybe they're an extrovert and they have something much better. Maybe they're an introvert and they just aren't into your event. Maybe neither. Maybe both.
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^I'm not discussing those who turn down invites now and then. Rather, it's those who constantly turn down invites---even telling you to please let me know about the next one.
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Sorry, but I know plenty of people who didn't attend "The Big HS Reunion". Guess what? They didn't miss anything. Guess what else? They aren't all introverts, or depressed. Guess what else? All the attendees weren't extroverts. Some people didn't go because they live 1800 miles away. And some people didn't go because they didn't give a crap to see a bunch of people they don't care about anymore. Some people like me went despite figuring it was going to be mostly boring.
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^Where did I say that all people who don't attend HS reunions are "all introverts or depressed"? I didn't say that. I only spoke of my brother. Sorry that you found your HS reunion "mostly boring". Different strokes for different folks.
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A lot--maybe most--don't like being "confronted". A lot of other people don't appreciate others feeling the need to persuade them into doing something. Sorry, but some things just are what they are: A waste of time.
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^Why are you saying "sorry"?
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Honest here. I had an invitation to go to a very expensive theater performance recently. Great seats too. But the piece was one I had seen, and one I had not liked at all. That's exactly the reason that I gave. And guess what? I met with IMMEDIATE objection. "BUT MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE IT THIS TIME?!"
I guess that's how some people think. If they think something is a good idea, they feel obligated to shove it down other peoples' throats. Which is probably why people spend a lot of time making up excuses instead of just telling them to go fly a kite.
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^You were honest about why you didn't want to attend. Those who invited you should have just accepted your reasons and moved on.
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BTW, there is a big difference between "making up excuses" and telling someone to "go fly a kite". There is a happy medium between both extremes.
Speaking as someone who has suffered w depression and anxiety, PLEASE BE KIND AND CONTINUE TO INVITE THESE PEOPLE!
I have lost many friends because i declined an invite too many times even though many of my friends are in the mental health counseling field. It makes me very sad. Some days are just better than others.
I'm sorry to hear that you went through this.
I have to ask---did your friends who were not in the mental health counseling field know that you were depressed? If not, perhaps they took your lack of response to mean that you were no longer interested in being friends.
People sometimes are afraid of coming across as too pushy, even stalkerish, if they keep asking someone to gatherings and either get no response or keep hearing "no". So, after awhile they just figure that the person in question no longer wants to be friends.
Then again, I've heard stories along these lines. For example someone will say "I never gave up on Jane. I still wrote to her, still tried to call even though she didn't return any calls. Finally, one day Jane got in touch and thanked me for not giving up on her. She explained that she was depressed and now that she got help for her depression, she is once again ready to socialize."
So, what is one to do? If I don't hear from someone, I will try to keep in touch---even ask if everything's okay and let them know I'm concerned. However, after trying a few times and not getting a response, I give up.
I'm sure most of us know people like this, be they friends, family or acquaintances.
You invite them to a gathering of some kind. The first time you invite them they say "no". Sometimes, they'll give a reason for saying "no" (other plans, for example). They may even add something like, "maybe next time" or "Let me know when the next event is". So...you keep inviting them to join you, and they give more excuses like "It's too far away" or "I don't know how to get there". Well...you get the idea. At some point, you no longer tell them of gatherings.
My Dad once knew of someone whom he thought would be a good addition for a board of directors for a non-profit. It was a volunteer position and any long distance travel to attend meetings was paid for by the non-profit. The person kept giving him excuses. Finally, my dad figured out (knowing what he did about this person) that this person must be afraid of flying.
So...I wonder...shouldn't people who don't want to go to any gatherings should just be up front and say something along the lines of "Thanks for inviting me but attending gatherings is not my thing"? I actually had a friend/co-worker who told me that she didn't go to any after work gatherings (we had potlucks if someone was leaving and you were encouraged to bring your family) because she didn't care to attend such events. I knew her well enough to know that, like me, she was an introvert. I respected what she told me so I never urged her to attend any work gatherings.
Or, if someone is afraid of flying, well...just admit it.
Do you think people are embarrassed to admit that they dislike going to events or are afraid of, for example, flying? Do they worry that someone will keep nagging them if they are honest about these things?
As for people suffering from depression---what do you do? My brother, who passed away almost 2 years ago, was depressed. He resorted to self-medication (smoking tobacco and pot, drinking). People were forever urging him to attend events. When our HS threw a big reunion, I ran into many of his old friends and they all asked me why he didn't attend. I just said "I don't know". My SIL confronted him about his depression and he chose to do nothing about it.
So...when confronted with those who keep turning down invitations to attend events and just keep making excuses, may be even promising "to go to the next one". What do you do? Do you eventually give up asking? Or do you say "Look, if you don't want to go to such events, it's okay, just say so".
To flip the coin, if you are the one who dislikes attending events, are you honest about it, like my friend/co-worker was to me? Or if an invitation, for example, involves flying and you fear flying, are you honest to others about it? Or do you just make an excuse to not attend?
Society in general and the U.S. specifically really doesn't like introverts...maybe if you can offset that in a cool neurotic eccentric way, but otherwise you're seen as a pathetic outcast by most. So I don't really believe that an introvert explaining they are an introvert would help in any way. You're still gonna stop inviting them - why insist on a reason that you believe is somehow more honest? If you know someone is an introvert, or that they are depressed, or whatever, you either try to accommodate them in an understanding way or you get tired of dealing with them. Believe me, introverts especially are experienced with giving excuses - but as a self-professed introvert - don't you know that? You must be really "evolved".
And more about depression - to say that someone who is depressed really didn't choose to do anything about it - you DO know that depression typically means the person is down, and tired, and probably not motivated to do much of anything - maybe it's a huge effort to get out of bed! They don't need you blaming them!
Yet...do her friends and acquaintances know that she's depressed? If so, are they willing to be patient with her as she heals? Or are they unaware and figure that she isn't interested in keeping in touch any longer?
Society in general and the U.S. specifically really doesn't like introverts...maybe if you can offset that in a cool neurotic eccentric way, but otherwise you're seen as a pathetic outcast by most. So I don't really believe that an introvert explaining they are an introvert would help in any way. You're still gonna stop inviting them - why insist on a reason that you believe is somehow more honest? If you know someone is an introvert, or that they are depressed, or whatever, you either try to accommodate them in an understanding way or you get tired of dealing with them. Believe me, introverts especially are experienced with giving excuses - but as a self-professed introvert - don't you know that? You must be really "evolved".
And more about depression - to say that someone who is depressed really didn't choose to do anything about it - you DO know that depression typically means the person is down, and tired, and probably not motivated to do much of anything - maybe it's a huge effort to get out of bed! They don't need you blaming them!
Interesting...so if someone is an introvert and is able to be up front and honest as to not liking attending gatherings, that means s/he is "evolved"? So...I guess my friend/co-worker and I are "evolved" because we can be honest about letting others know that there are events that just don't interest us? The interesting thing is that I do attend events when invited...but...I don't go alone as a rule. I imagine that an extrovert would not mind going alone to some event, even if they don't know anyone there. While I've done that before, it is out of my comfort zone.
I appreciate it when someone is honest about not wanting to attend events. If someone tells me that, I respect it. Yes, I know that there are those who won't take "no" for an answer---and that is obnoxious.
I'll give an example---I post on another website and a woman who was then new to the site, gave me a compliment. I thanked her for it and that led to us exchanging PMs. Eventually, she got very involved in the site and at that point, it's expected that you show your face at events---not every event but now and then. I let her know this. She said that she didn't always receive notification of events so could I please tell her of them? Sure, I said. I rarely went to them but if there was one not far from where I live and on the weekend, I would sign up and bring along my husband. So, I would let her know. She would either ignore it or say she couldn't attend and without my asking why would offer up a reason. Yet, she would tell me to keep letting her know. At one point, she said that when she was done remodeling her backyard, she was going to invite some of us to her place. That never happened. Finally, she backed off with her involvement in the site. After one reason she gave for not wanting to attend an event, it was easy to see that she disliked going to events. I didn't ask her why or make any comments to her about it. Eventually, she closed her account. I have her email address but have not gotten in touch. If she had said that she didn't want to ever attend an event, I never would have pushed her---I would have accepted it.
I mentioned that my depressed brother didn't do anything about his depression when confronted. Instead, he avoided going to the doctor and making excuses to not go. Not everybody who is depressed behaves that way---some people do realize that they are depressed and seek help.
Where did I "blame" my brother? My SIL let him know that she and I were concerned about him. He chose to not go to the doctor. No one could force him to do so.
So, what to do when you invite someone out or try to keep in touch and they don't respond? If it's someone you don't see often, how does one know if the person isn't keeping in touch due to depression or if it is just that they don't want to keep in touch any longer?
This video is great at expressing depression to those who don't get it.
Well, she's very creative....when I'm depressed I don't have her energy and my mind is way too foggy to come up with such an eloquent description...I can't even do depression well!
I don't really understand the question you are asking. If someone invites me to something and I don't want to go, then who cares what my reason is or if it's truthful. I don't want to go! Is it really their business why I don't want to go? Is it a valid reason if a person has social anxiety, but not if they just flat out don't want to? Sometimes people make excuses to avoid hurting someone feelings. I don't advocate lying, but telling Grandma you love the sweater she gave you for Christmas when you think it's the ugliest thing you've ever seen is the same thing as making an excuse to avoid hurting someone's feelings that you don't want to do whatever it is they want you to. Sometimes it's better not to be honest. And sometimes the reason could be personal and not something the other person wants to share.
I don't really understand the question you are asking. If someone invites me to something and I don't want to go, then who cares what my reason is or if it's truthful. I don't want to go! Is it really their business why I don't want to go? Is it a valid reason if a person has social anxiety, but not if they just flat out don't want to? Sometimes people make excuses to avoid hurting someone feelings. I don't advocate lying, but telling Grandma you love the sweater she gave you for Christmas when you think it's the ugliest thing you've ever seen is the same thing as making an excuse to avoid hurting someone's feelings that you don't want to do whatever it is they want you to. Sometimes it's better not to be honest. And sometimes the reason could be personal and not something the other person wants to share.
Well...how you respond is up to you. However, if you just say "I don't want to go.", unless you say otherwise, the person asking could take it to mean that you don't want to attend that particular event and just might ask you again at a later date. If you don't like attending large gatherings, and don't make that clear, you will be asked again.
No need to get "personal" when offering a reason not to attend. What's wrong with simply saying "Thank you but I don't like attending large events"?
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