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It's very horrible for people who want to have children, I can't even imagine. But there are so many kids out there who need moms, mentors, teachers, good role models, etc. The problem with most people is they can't turn away from their own needs, it's probably a biological thing; humans have always put their best into making sure themselves and their own get ahead since survival was necessary for that. People who want kids can't always see past the fact that they could in fact adopt, foster or otherwise mentor someone else's kids. But so many kids need these things because the people who brought them into this world weren't prepared for it.
Marriages without kids probably work a lot better because the two people involved have a lot more time to put into their marriage without all of the attention and work going to one or two or more kids. As for the marriages falling apart due to infertility, I'd venture a lot more fall apart after three kids are involved and one is caught cheating or one of the partners finally woke up and realized they'd married a turd. I've always thought it'd be worse to be in one of the latter situations than the former, but then I never really wanted kids and would hate to get stuck supporting one.
Sure it's fun to think about in a joking way from time to time but I know I'd be a horrible parent. I think that might be why a lot of guys don't message me on dating sites (the ones that even bother to read profiles anyway); they either want kids or have them already and I don't want anything to do with either situation.
I think infertility is felt as a tragedy because it takes your choice away from you. As a woman you just assume you're fertile and you go to great lengths to NOT get pregnant. When you have decided you want a child and then can't get pregnant there are many thoughts and emotions that go through your head, one of them being the notion that you are not a 'real' woman, because after all, that's what defines us in society to a great extent.
Anyway I had two kids so I really wouldn't know how it feels, it's merely conjecture. I'm one of those who, if I had my life over again, would not have kids.
There was an episode of Bones, and I'm paraphrasing, but she went on a morning talk show (Like the Today show) and said something like she didn't want kids. To which her colleague warned her "to that audience, it's like saying you hate kids" if she said that. Biological choice or personal choice, the stigma's the same. Just silly.
There is, and has been, a lot of that in this country, though it seems to be getting better? Which is worse are the people who hit fifty, are now empty nesters and no longer can fill their Facebook pages with their kid's minor accomplishments. I see those pages and look at them occasionally as a map of how NOT to be at fifty.
Hmm, my Facebook page is empty, but not just because my daughter is grown. It's because I never understood the big thrill of Facebook in the first place and never posted anything about my daughter in the first place. In MY mind, if your whole sense of accomplishment in life is what you post on Facebook whether you have children or not, that's pretty much a map of how not to be at fifty.
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Originally Posted by ChessieMom
I don't understand how so many people can be that stupid. There is no "big secret" about what it takes to raise a child. If I had it to do over again, of course I would! In fact, I would be afraid to change ANYthing in my life prior to having my son, as I would not want to risk anything changing the outcome. He is the very best thing that ever happened to me.
Same here. And even though I wanted more children and didn't get to have them, I figure life worked out the way it was supposed to. I know people who had the second (or third) child and the kid turned out to be a demon and gave the parents grief and sadness. My daughter gave me very little trouble and has grown into a smart, compassionate adult. On the other hand, I do know someone who also has only one child, and the little SOB has been giving them nothing but trouble (drugs, breaking the law) since he was 14 years old. I can see where the regrets would come in there.
In MY mind, if your whole sense of accomplishment in life is what you post on Facebook whether you have children or not, that's pretty much a map of how not to be at fifty.
Not bad thinking here. Agreed. I should take this more to heart, actually.
I don't get it either, OP. Of course, I've never had any desire to be a dad and being one would be my worst nightmare. I actually love kids, but I decided years ago that I'd do the world a favor by not reproducing. You're welcome, world! I have a myriad of mental health issues that run in my family, and I'd never risk the chance of passing those on to a child. That just seems like a immoral thing to do. Besides I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway.
My best answer to the OP's question is that it's still the traditional American dream to have a family. Just like buying a car and a home, people seem set on the idea of having a family. It's important for some to have their legacy maintained. People also tend to subscribe to the societal groupthink that having kids is what you're supposed to do. For some people who want to adhere to the American dream and who want to be like their peers by having kids of their own, it can be devastating to discover that having kids isn't a possibility and that their cycle of having the American dream can't be completed.
I find it interesting that many of the people who can't have kids tend to be couples that seem perfect in every other way. They're financially stable, have a loving home, and would make excellent parents, but infertility won't allow them to have kids. Meanwhile, many teenagers with no stability or desire to be parents have no problem getting pregnant. It's kind of a twisted joke that nature plays on society.
It's incredibly PC for parents (especially mothers) to dote on their kids and to put on the facade of a happy family, but I think most parents are unhappy during most stages of parenthood and often ponder what their lives would be if they hadn't become parents. Parenthood seems challenging and oftentimes isn't rewarding at all. Some parents make their kids their world to replace the world they could have had if they'd hadn't gone the child route.
It's inappropriate to say publicly, but I can imagine there's a lot of resentment from parents for the decision to have kids. With that said, most parents rise above and make the best out of a very difficult situation. The odds are insurmountable that your kid is going to turn out well, but the good parents seem to persevere.
It can be personally, extremely painful for individuals affected by it, especially when they are ready to start a long desired family and are suddenly hit by a major roadblock. I wouldn't quite call it a tragedy, but people tend to approach it differently.
Consider it a very private, painful situation, much like many others that people have to deal with. Empathy can be helpful, as in any other painful situation, when a friend or close relative is trying to cope.
I'll add this because many families get together this time of year...due to the particular sensitivity of this issue, it's best to only mention it if the people involved have directly confided in you, and then, in private.
I don't get it either, OP. Of course, I've never had any desire to be a dad and being one would be my worst nightmare. I actually love kids, but I decided years ago that I'd do the world a favor by not reproducing. You're welcome, world! I have a myriad of mental health issues that run in my family, and I'd never risk the chance of passing those on to a child. That just seems like a immoral thing to do. Besides I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway.
My best answer to the OP's question is that it's still the traditional American dream to have a family. Just like buying a car and a home, people seem set on the idea of having a family. It's important for some to have their legacy maintained. People also tend to subscribe to the societal groupthink that having kids is what you're supposed to do. For some people who want to adhere to the American dream and who want to be like their peers by having kids of their own, it can be devastating to discover that having kids isn't a possibility and that their cycle of having the American dream can't be completed.
I find it interesting that many of the people who can't have kids tend to be couples that seem perfect in every other way. They're financially stable, have a loving home, and would make excellent parents, but infertility won't allow them to have kids. Meanwhile, many teenagers with no stability or desire to be parents have no problem getting pregnant. It's kind of a twisted joke that nature plays on society.
It's incredibly PC for parents (especially mothers) to dote on their kids and to put on the facade of a happy family, but I think most parents are unhappy during most stages of parenthood and often ponder what their lives would be if they hadn't become parents. Parenthood seems challenging and oftentimes isn't rewarding at all. Some parents make their kids their world to replace the world they could have had if they'd hadn't gone the child route.
It's inappropriate to say publicly, but I can imagine there's a lot of resentment from parents for the decision to have kids. With that said, most parents rise above and make the best out of a very difficult situation. The odds are insurmountable that your kid is going to turn out well, but the good parents seem to persevere.
This is pretty much a no-brainer by your own words. If you've never wanted kids, then of course you can't get what the death of a dream is for another when you didn't share that dream. I'm never going to dance with the Bolshoi, but I never dreamed of becoming a professional ballerina, so I'm not really upset about that. That's what you and the OP are saying.
However, I still would have empathy for someone whose dream was to dance with a professional ballet company, worked for it, tried every which way to become a professional dancer, and didn't get there.
Your statement that the "odds are insurmountable that your kid is going to turn out well" says a lot about how you see your fellow man. In other words, most people are losers in your view?
And where do you get the notion that most people are unhappy during most stages of parenthood? Not my experience at all, and I bet not that of most parents.
Many people spend their whole lives dreaming of getting married and having children. They have visions in their heads of how awesome it will be and what great parents they're going to be and how they'll have a warm, happy house full of love.
Then, once they start having trying to have children, they look forward every month to finding out the woman is pregnant and month after month they are disappointed. The months turn into years and they start to see a doctor. Infertility treatment is expensive, time-consuming and can be very uncomfortable. And still, they wait month after month for good news. Also, people who experience infertility often have miscarriages as well. So they may actually get the news that they are pregnant, only to later lose the baby.
Even if you never wanted children, I don't think it's that hard to understand how difficult it is to have one's dreams dashed on a monthly basis for years. It's not like other disappointments--not getting into a preferred college, or not being drafted into the big leagues. With that type of situation, you know you missed your opportunity and move on. Plus, you know that only a small number of people ever achieve those goals. But having a baby is something that most people are able to do without much effort and if you're trying and not achieving it, it's just one slap down after another, for many years.
One theme that I see over and over here is the notion that women's bodies were "supposed" to birth children. That is not the only purpose of being a woman - and is something that I find really offensive.
To the OP, I don't understand why you created this thread. Infertility is no more difficult to understand than someone who will never reach whatever goal they dreamed of attaining. You will never understand it on an emotional level - but surely you can relate on an intellectual level right?
One theme that I see over and over here is the notion that women's bodies were "supposed" to birth children. That is not the only purpose of being a woman - and is something that I find really offensive.
To the OP, I don't understand why you created this thread. Infertility is no more difficult to understand than someone who will never reach whatever goal they dreamed of attaining. You will never understand it on an emotional level - but surely you can relate on an intellectual level right?
True. That type of thinking is like taking a giant step backward in time. No one "should" have children.
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There is no "big secret" about what it takes to raise a child. 
If I had it to do over again, of course I would! In fact, I would be afraid to change ANYthing in my life prior to having my son, as I would not want to risk anything changing the outcome. He is the very best thing that ever happened to me. 
