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...She wears jeans and tops like most girls her age.
At 23 years old she is an adult woman, not a "girl." Such behaviors have "natural consequences"; when she perceives the actions, reactions (or lack of desired-actions) from others, she should be motivated to adjust those behaviors.
Last edited by RP2C; 01-02-2015 at 12:52 PM..
Reason: spelling
Talk to her in a non-threatening way, and explain that it's becoming an issue. There are a lot of reasons people don't bathe regularly. Sometimes they get too busy to notice. They may not notice a smell because they are used to it, so they may think that no one else notices. If she has roommates or lives with someone else there may be other issues; she may not be getting along with them, so she is withdrawing to collect herself and stay out of the way. I remember I moved in with my uncle after something happened to my parents' house. He was so cantankerous that I was afraid he was going to get mad at me for using the water, so I stopped bathing and showering until it was absolutely necessary and hoped he wouldn't notice. It backfired, and he got mad at me for not keeping clean, but I had no idea how he was going to act and explained to him that was why I was avoiding it.
Then again, she may be bathing regularly but not changing her clothes. If she doesn't have a lot of clothes and doesn't have a means of washing them without leaving her house, this is a very easy habit to get into. I often avoid the laundromat until I feel like it is necessary, because I don't have a lot of money to spend on having my clothes professionally cleaned. Sometimes I just spray them with fabric spray unless there are noticeable stains. It's a lazy person's route, but you do get lazy if you think no one notices.
How about just ask her plain and simple before you start advising="Honey, why don't you bathe?" or something like that. You might learn that there is a reason. Maybe she does not like her body and afraid to look at herself naked? Maybe she does it to keep people away? Therapy!
Not bathing is one thing but stinking is another. Does she want to be a hippie or an earthy crunchy tree hugger? is she a vegetarian with moon bat ideals? Does she vote democratic? LOL
It sounds like it is a phase. Maybe she is depressed. Is she over weight? I wonder if she had a bad experience with a guy going beyond his bounds sexually (attempted rape) and now she is having problems dealing with it and this is her way to keep other guys from being interested in her?
I think she needs therapy.
Not bathing is one thing but stinking is another. Does she want to be a hippie or an earthy crunchy tree hugger? is she a vegetarian with moon bat ideals? Does she vote democratic? LOL
It sounds like it is a phase. Maybe she is depressed. Is she over weight? I wonder if she had a bad experience with a guy going beyond his bounds sexually (attempted rape) and now she is having problems dealing with it and this is her way to keep other guys from being interested in her?
I think she needs therapy.
Odd, I've heard from doctors that most young women who experience rape consciously try to make themselves cleaner through bathing and hygiene practices, something about mentally needing to wash away the contamination and violated feeling. They may try to keep themselves in a way that makes men uninterested in them, though.
My 23 year old niece won't bathe or shower on a regular basis. She takes a shower about every 5 or 6 days and at times she smells pretty bad. I've run into men or boys who won't bathe, but I don't think I've ever run into a girl in her 20's who won't bathe. Is this a sign of some other problem? I think this is very strange behavior.
I wouldn't say anything to her about the stinking unless she brings it up. There's no way for you to start that discussion with her that won't result in a lot of unpleasantness for both of you. You might want to ask her parents about it and see what they say and if they've ever discussed it with her.
If her behavior/physical appearance has drastically changed in the last two years to where you think something bad has happened to her (rape, drug addition, depression), then her parents might be able to better start a discussion with her (unless you're the closest person to her). If she's just lazy, then she will likely move past this stage once she decides she actually wants to regularly leave the house and start dating.
I remember I moved in with my uncle after something happened to my parents' house. He was so cantankerous that I was afraid he was going to get mad at me for using the water, so I stopped bathing and showering until it was absolutely necessary and hoped he wouldn't notice. It backfired, and he got mad at me for not keeping clean, but I had no idea how he was going to act and explained to him that was why I was avoiding it.
^I had something similar happen to me.
After I graduated college in the mid 70s---right when that horrible recession started---my parents convinced me to come back home because a friend of my father's had a sister who supposedly had a job lined up for me. It turned out to be a lie. My parents wouldn't loan me any money to move out and I was looking for work while being stuck there.
When I would take a shower, my mother would scream at me about wasting water. So, I wasn't showering every day, maybe twice a week and would wait until she was out of the house to do it. I hated living this way.
I had a roommate in college who would only shower every 5 days. On her non-showering days, she would wash her face and armpits. She never washed her shirts and pants and hand-washed her underwear in the bathroom sink. Yes, we had a laundry room in the dorm. We both worked part-time in the dorm cafeteria and after a shift, I would feel so grungy and want to shower. She, however, wasn't bothered by that. I know because I asked her.
Yes, people suffering from depression often don't bathe---or don't bathe enough. I won't say that all depressed people do this because I know many who were part of "the walking wounded" who bathed everyday.
Then, there are those from different cultures who, in addition to not bathing much, don't use deodorant. Maybe no deodorant is acceptable in their countries, but it is not acceptable here.
We have a German guy who is a customer and I have known him for probably 15 years or more, and he has had the same body odor every day that he has ever come in the store. It is not just bad, it is REALLY BAD ! When we see him coming we all find somewhere else to go.
He is a very nice man, and owns his own business, so I can only imagine what his employees and customers must think.
I had a Soldier like that, kid just didn't like to bathe.
His body odor was noticeably offensive. His uniforms were always dirty looking. At first, I dealt with the problem verbally by telling him he needs to conduct hygiene on a regular basis. That didn't work because he simply didn't do it. Then I had to actually write him up and counsel him to shower at least once a day and rotate his clothing on a "reasonable" basis. Even set aside 1.5 hours each day to conduct personal hygiene.
He didn't have a psychological problem, the kid was just lazy. Didn't want to do anything but hang out with friends and play video games. Didn't like working out, either. Took him 20 minutes to run 2 miles on flat ground.
Odd, I've heard from doctors that most young women who experience rape consciously try to make themselves cleaner through bathing and hygiene practices, something about mentally needing to wash away the contamination and violated feeling. They may try to keep themselves in a way that makes men uninterested in them, though.
This is common in the initial stages after sexual assaults. But for a coping mechanism going fwd, some women do try and keep themselves unkempt in various ways to avoid unwanted attention.
No, she doesn't wear black all the time. She wears jeans and tops like most girls her age.
After reading people's posts, I'm thinking that this is probably laziness and a stage that some young people go through. My niece is not a go-getter by any means. Maybe she doesn't feel like she needs to bathe since she rarely exercises or works up a sweat.
I'm not around my family other than holidays, but this topic came up several times and we have been baffled by this behavior. I know we can't truly understand what drives other people's behavior, but it's interesting to get other people's objective opinions.
One poster mentioned that many people have skin problems because they wash too much with harsh chemicals. I don't disagree with you, but I think going 5 days without a bath or shower is too long.
It might be hostility or passive aggression. Or depression. But there is not way for us to really know. Has anyone in the family tried to ask her about this?
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