Is pretending everything is okay, ok?

[Jjury15]

I read this article on "acting" tough vs. being strong, mentally. This is an example of "acting tough" and is in no way healthy. Talking over something and coming to common ground or finding closure on an issue is always better than leaving it open, which is what happens in these situations. "Pretending" is never good.

Being mentally strong is a far different beast and would actually mean the people would talk through their issues and pretending would not be a factor, at all. They'd keep it honest and truthful.

[Lilac110]

Originally Posted by PrimGrene

Is is okay to pretend nothing is wrong?
Example arguing and then after 30 minutes talking as if nothing happened?

Not without a genuine meeting of minds that the issue is resolved, or that there is an issue to work on in the first place and that you will work on it together.

An ex of mine did that. I came to realize that it was his way of avoiding responsibility and accountability for the hurtful things he said and did. It was also his way of keeping score secretly. He wouldn't tell me when things were still bothering him. I would assume, from his behavior, that he was fine. Really, he was storing some offense away without telling me about it, the better to justify (in his mind) being hurtful later. It's a form of psychological abuse when you get right down to it, because when he acted in a hurtful manner, he was trying to punish me for things I didn't even know I had done to hurt or annoy him. Kind of a dick move, in plain English, because it's meant to keep someone feeling unsure and insecure in the relationship, and therefore always seeking to please. Truly narcissistic "walk on eggshells" stuff.

Too bad it backfired on him. Once I figured out what he was doing, I stopped giving much consideration to how he would feel about, well, anything. It stirred up a feeling of "damned if I do, damned if I don't, so I might as well do what makes me happy and if he doesn't like it, tough crap." That was the beginning of the end of the relationship--thank goodness.

[NoNansea]

I've been pondering this question myself. "They" say if you smile all day even if you don't feel like smiling, you will feel happy as the day goes on. I think that can be true in the short term.

But I was in a similar situation as Lilac110 & I agree it is a way to side-step having to deal with what one's actions, words, behavior have brought to another person or situation. That is unfair, disrespectful & dismissive of the other person's being. Additionally, it enables the guilty party to pursue their devious behavior without detection. If you don't know any of the facts relating to the wrong, you might not be aware when it is occurring again.

In response to the OP's example... I believe it's all about effective communication. If the argument resolves the problem, there would be no pretending necessary. When the argument does not resolve the issue, pretending makes it temporary & it will come up again. Most people don't want to re-hash the same thing over and over again.

[kat949]

Originally Posted by PrimGrene

Is is okay to pretend nothing is wrong?
Example arguing and then after 30 minutes talking as if nothing happened?

Arguing isn't pretending. Sounds more like conflict management. Rarely does a conflict resolution occur during arguments. And, in life, nothing is always 100% smooth sailing. Couples will have conflict. That's normal. What's not normal is pretending everything is okay when it really isn't and not arguing or not speaking up about it. That's more co-dependent.

[jtur88]

It's not pretending. Everything is OK, although there are ups and downs.