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And now, there is a poster upthread (male, apparently) who says if that deranged girl perceives me as a perv, I must be one.
How does the original poster know what the teens were thinking? The PERV thoughts originated from within his own mind.
The OP percieves HIMSELF as a perv. He assigned his own thoughts to explain the behavior of these teens. Did these girls ever say a word? How does he "know" what they were thinking?
To be honest I wasn't going to respond at all to the thread until I saw the line about the OP thinking to say "Put on a show!". He didn't say it but it was that thought that tells me he is a perv. Maybe he doesn't act on this perversion but he sure has it in his head.
What would you do if a strange man said "Put on a show" to your teenage daughter? Would you or would you not be concerned?
I went out to go pick up the rest of my laundry, a bit of a walk across the complex, so as I was walking across the lawn I noticed two young girls (teens maybe) with neon hula hoops and a stereo, and as I looked at them they got kind of awkward, and I thought about saying "Put on a show!" but thought that might sound pervy and I had my earbuds in anyways listening to a podcast so I was more focused on that. I looked up once or twice but they were just giving me weird looks; I'm not weird-looking, just a normal-looking guy. One of their hoops rolled in front of me but they didn't go to retrieve it, so I walked by (keeping my eyes on the ground looking for dog poop). The whole thing was really awkward and I was just fine being ignored.
As I was walking back, they had their hoops again but weren't really using them, had their stereo on but just kind of acting like they weren't sure what to do and started fiddling with their phones. I literally had a basket full of clothes and was trying to avoid dog poop, looked up a few times to see what was going on, but mostly focused on the ground. I saw a kid a ways away that was just staring at me like I was some kind of creep; I was literally just trying to get back to my apartment without stepping in dog poop or anyone getting in the way.
I feel I was seen as a perv for just looking at them, but there was no interaction; I didn't stare, but I feel weird for trying to ignore them too. This happens sometimes where there are some kids around and they just stop playing and stare at the guy walking by; it really bothers me because I'm not doing anything, just going from A to B, and I feel like I have to say something brash to make them laugh but I'd rather just continue on what I'm doing. I'm fine with small talk which happens with adults (most anyways; young girls seem to be paranoid). I really just want to go from A to B and not worry about being stared at like a perv because I'm a guy. I've literally said hi to some people and they just stare like they've never heard the word (they're usually young and alone or with their dog).
I feel like there's some judgement and discrimination happening here, and it seems to have increased over the decade; is this just a Utah thing or is everybody paranoid of a guy walking around an apartment complex? What are guys doing to make people so paranoid? When I was in my early 20's I don't remember this, and I don't look much different. It seems like people are just afraid to have normal interactions with people, even if that means just a nod or a smirk (I'm fine with you ignoring me, just don't stop what you're doing and stare like you're ready to pull a gun, it freaks me out).
There have been one or two good responses here. Just be comfortable when you walk by and they are looking at you. Look them back in the eyes and say, "Hi, how are you?" Then it won't seem so weird, because you are less of a stranger to them. Also, don't project what they are thinking, as they may just be self conscious about hula hooping in public, maybe they are terrible at it.
Also, I'm going with Wartrace being a perv on this one, projecting his thoughts on to everyone else.
Careful with that mind-reading business, Wartrace. Assigning pervert labels to people with no physical evidence ruins lives.
We all perceive through our own experiences. Why does the phrase, "Put on a show" mean pervert/sex to you? What's in your mind?
See how easily your theory can be twisted?
Ruins lives? Drama much? Did I ruin his life by pointing out that his thoughts of being a pervert probably have something to do with his self perception?
I've never heard of a hula-hoop "show", have you? This coupled with the fact the guy is worried in his own mind he is percieved as a "perv"? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck it is probably a duck.
I am not saying the OP would actually ACT on his thoughts. I am saying he is having them.
Also, I'm going with Wartrace being a perv on this one, projecting his thoughts on to everyone else.
I'm not the guy walking by teenage girls and telling myself "They think I'm a perv for walking past them...." He told us what he was thinking. How is my observation of his post "projecting"? On to everyone else?
Ruins lives? Drama much? Did I ruin his life by pointing out that his thoughts of being a pervert probably have something to do with his self perception?
I've never heard of a hula-hoop "show", have you? This coupled with the fact the guy is worried in his own mind he is percieved as a "perv"? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck it is probably a duck.
I am not saying the OP would actually ACT on his thoughts. I am saying he is having them.
Young people are always putting on a show for grown-ups. Everything from how well they can skateboard to diving off a diving board. I've often asked the young people who pass by my porch swing to demonstrate the toy they are playing with to me. Usually they are glad to have an audience since mom and dad are too busy with their cell phones. Heh.
I doubt that there's a single person in this forum who would like the whole world to know every single thought we have every had. That would make a lot of us murderers and perverts I suspect.
You said it right at the end of this post. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having unpleasant thoughts. Actually, being human, it's pretty normal.
It is how we appropriately deal with them that makes us good people or not. Based on how the OP handled his situation there is no necessity to imply anything about his behavior without being hurtful to him. What's the motive? It's always easier to point the finger at someone else than to look in my own mind at some of my unpleasant thoughts.
I know that he's not alone in fearing being labeled a pervert for interacting with children because I have heard other decent men express this same fear. We have nearly a mania in this society for perverts. But the truth of it is our children are more apt to be molested by someone we know and trust well. It's ironic but verifiable. Child abuse is still very common but it is not the outsider who is doing most of the molesting.
Any cautious man probably should be considering how it will look to others in this paranoid atmosphere if he choses to converse with children. Who knows what person who sees a pervert behind every bush might accuse him of bad intentions and cost time and money clearing his name?
That's not unreasonable thinking. I've seen it happen to a number of innocent men and the damage has been irrevocable. It's a very real possibility. Our college football coach went through absolute hell because of an innocent picture he had on his phone of his kids at bath time that some nut reported to the police.
I think the reason for that is that forty or fifty years ago people interacted with strangers more often. And we had to. Phones were frequently unavailable. We had no GPS or computers or cell phones. We were closer knit and more trusting because we had to depend on each other then more than we do now. Because of that common and frequent interaction we weren't as uncomfortable with strangers.
No one should just jump to conclusion that because the OP is worried that people think he's a pervert that this means he MUST be a pervert. Sure some people project their internal unwanted thoughts and feelings outward, but many more people out there just have anxiety problems.
In my years of providing therapy, I had tons of clients who had a lot of automatic unwanted thoughts about people thinking this or that about them. Very rarely was this related to the person actually having the proclivity they were afraid of being accused of. Most of the time it was just an irrational fear that had no causal basis.
I've had clients who worried that other people thought they:
--were a child molester
--were a shoplifter
--smelled badly
--had committed a crime
--were planning to commit a crime
--were looking at others in a leering sexual way
--were too arrogant and full of themselves
--had peed their pants
--were secretly masturbating if they simply put their hand in their pocket
In every one of the cases, the person was not psychotic, and had not done anything they were afraid people were thinking about them.
Yes, there may be some "textbook" cases of a person with pedophilic thoughts to have a fear that other people look at him and think he's a pedophile. There may be textbook" cases of a person with an inflated self-esteem believing that strangers are thinking she has an inflated self-esteem. But the majority of people don't fall into those textbook examples of projection. However, many, many people have anxiety disorders which involve excessive worry about what others are thinking about them. Some people with more severe obsessive anxiety can even have more irrational fears of this kind (like my lady who was convinced that everyone who looked at her thought she smelled like pee and had peed her pants. She didn't, by the way.)
So please don't jump reflexively jump to the "he must have a guilty conscience" conclusion, because odds are against that.
And again, having a fleeting thought of teenage girls "putting on a show" is MUCH different that actually saying it out loud. Many people have fleeting thoughts that might seem strange to others, or ones that are very common, but they have the impulse control to not act on those thoughts.
I don't think there's enough information in OP's posts here to conclude whether he's a pervert or not. Calling him a pervert is jumping to conclusions.
I think the OP is just insecure and a bit anxious. A confident person wouldn't have given the encounter a second thought. Many kids stare at people they don't know...that was true 30 years ago and it's true today. The hula-hoop girls probably give "weird looks" to any adult they don't recognize. Who cares.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
OP, set a good example. Just offer a neutral friendly greeting, with a slight smile, like: "How's it going?"
Then go about your business.
She's right, OP. Don't overthink this.
There's a good possibility that those kids were just a bit curious about you. That's common for things and people they aren't yet accustomed to seeing. Since they're still kids, there's a lot they haven't learned about behavior and social awareness. Many kids stare at all sorts of things/people they're unfamiliar with. You're making a mountain out of a molehill here. Relax.
This is nothing new. When I was a kid in the 80s and early-mid 90s playing outside with friends, every once in awhile some adult guy we didn't recognize walks or jogs by, and we'd look at him for a bit before returning our attention to whatever it was we were doing. The guys weren't acting abnormally in any way; for the most part they were just minding their own business. We didn't feel creeped out or unsafe at all...we merely had a brief mild curiosity about him and then forgot about it a couple minutes later.
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I'm not the guy walking by teenage girls and telling myself "They think I'm a perv for walking past them...." He told us what he was thinking. How is my observation of his post "projecting"? On to everyone else?
