Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-18-2015, 12:34 PM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,173,486 times
Reputation: 29088

Advertisements

I'm going with histrionic, maybe with a dash of narcissism. But as others have said, does it matter what the label is? Fact is that his behavior is self-centered, dramatic, and manipulative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
The problem is that I set this all off by letting my emotions run my mouth, which I almost never do. I'm known for being eternally patient, and calm, and everyone's stable rock.
I post this a lot here, but one more time won't hurt:

Are You a Magnet for Narcissists?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Also...I DO maintain him. He hasn't been in a single fight since I took the leash. He used to go around getting in fights all the time. Even when we fight, we don't get further than raised voices and nasty emotional stuff, no throwing of objects, putting fists through walls, or anything like that. He is a violent person underneath, I do think, but he controls it pretty well because I've forced him to learn how.
I wouldn't count on him having learned anything. He has only contained his behavior because he probably senses on some level that it's your line, and if he crosses it, you'll leave.

So when you do leave, be prepared for all manner of drama, tears, punched holes in walls, and yes, even threats and harassment--at least until he finds another source, whom he will trot around town and make sure you know about. Unless he threatens you, in which case you should call the police, ignore him. No matter what he says, no matter what he does, no matter how much he cries, or tries to be nice, or attempts to hoover you, ignore him. Just deal with him to the extent that you must for your children (logistics on visits, etc.), and that's it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-18-2015, 04:24 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115947
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Only the fact that the 2 therapists' offices I've tried to contact to initiate sessions have not returned my calls/messages. I find that weird, but whatever. I'm not giving up.

My main thing right now, is that I want to find a counselor that is not intent on "fixing" my marriage, which as I've mentioned I'm way past being open to that...and one that is willing to discuss strategies for getting out with minimal damage to all involved (especially the kids.)

.
When looking for therapists, Google is your friend. You don't need a marriage counselor, you know that much. They list their specialties on their websites.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-22-2015, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,328 posts, read 14,547,380 times
Reputation: 39259
Update...

After our blowup last week, we finally got to a place of calm. I was willing to stay and try to work through things, on the condition that we see some kind of counselor or therapist or something. We have an appointment for Saturday coming up.

I thought things were more ok...did not want to rock the boat too much...it's all very fragile right now. Then this morning he started making demands and getting angry that I wasn't "willing to put in effort." He took me out to dinner on Sunday night, and he's been trying to woo me back but I'm wary...I am not exactly comfortable right now after last week. He's angry that I think he is being manipulative, and yelling about how I don't trust him, so he won't trust me either and is going to start "snooping around on my computer."

The thing he tried to do of putting a spy app thing on my phone, TeenSafe, is in fact illegal.

At this point...I'm trying very hard to see things clearly. It seems there are only a few options. Try to back off and maintain him, give him whatever he wants, and buy time, and see how that goes, for however long that goes. Or get a lawyer and take everything (I really don't want to do that)...or get an apartment and go my own way, or attempt to, unfortunately he will probably stalk me, trying to "catch" me getting involved with another man or something.

What sucks here is that the family and the house and that picture of stability was HIS dream...not mine. I don't want to take that from him, especially as I don't even want it as badly as he does. But I feel like I'm being backed into a corner. Every time things settle down and I start to feel a little calm or emotionally safe, he gets all worked up and I have to spend time away from my desk during the day, fighting on the phone...my work is suffering and I really can't afford to lose my job.

The other night he told me he thinks he might be possessed by demons.

Freaking. Wonderful.

I hope the counselor can help...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-23-2015, 09:20 PM
 
2,089 posts, read 1,410,827 times
Reputation: 3105
"One-upmanship" - no matter what it is with you, your husband is worse off than you.

Did you ever see "Annie Get Your Gun"? There was a duet between Annie and Frank Butler singing the song, "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better". That was a light hearted song about "one-upmanship".


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO23WBji_Z0

Yep, he's a sphinctroid. :-D
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-24-2015, 09:19 AM
 
Location: 2016 Clown Car...fka: Wisconsin
738 posts, read 996,252 times
Reputation: 1207
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
Oh, and we are going to marriage counseling, he's setting it up through his VA bennies I guess.

Whatever.

Too tired to care now.
Is he a combat vet? Just curious...

RVcook
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-24-2015, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,328 posts, read 14,547,380 times
Reputation: 39259
Quote:
Originally Posted by RVcook View Post
Is he a combat vet? Just curious...

RVcook
Yeah, sorta.

Korea back in the 80's (patrolling the DMZ and such) and Iraq for one year 09-10.

But he doesn't really have all that much trauma over the whole war thing. He built up his whole identity as this "warrior" persona, so he's really into guns and all. The only thing that was hard about him being deployed really I think was missing his home and me.

I guess I'm trying to say it's not like he's a normal person damaged by the horrors of war...it's more like he's a warrior damaged by the horrors of normal civilian life, which he has great difficulty adapting to. But then I think a lot of vets do, maybe that's why you see so many homeless and mentally ill...they may have coped well with war, but no idea how to cope with life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-28-2015, 12:44 PM
 
2,362 posts, read 1,915,502 times
Reputation: 4724
wow
my wife is MUCH worse than that!!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-28-2015, 07:43 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,497,719 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post

Today I went to lunch with my friend. Around lunchtime I started getting texts about how horribly his back is hurting.

When I was wracked with grief over the loss of a very dear friend last year, he was coming back from a month working a job in another state, and told me that I had better not be sad about Dave still, because he was missing me and looking forward to celebrating. I had a few days to "get over it" so I could be what he needed by the time he got home.

No matter what, I am cornered into a caregiver role with him. It's how he keeps me contained, or at least it feels that way. Obviously I have problems with this. But that isn't the point.
You already know its all about him. Many disorders have manipulative criteria.

Haven' t read through the entire thread, but question the 'friend' status. I'm not judging. Concern over your husbands mental health is a means to keep yourself from moving forward.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-30-2015, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,328 posts, read 14,547,380 times
Reputation: 39259
Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
You already know its all about him. Many disorders have manipulative criteria.

Haven' t read through the entire thread, but question the 'friend' status. I'm not judging. Concern over your husbands mental health is a means to keep yourself from moving forward.
No need to question or judge. Even if I occasionally have thoughts or feelings for another guy, I recognize it for what it is and shut it down one way or another. I haven't cheated.

Mainly because I've only felt that way for people that I did have a valued friendship with, and I didn't want to mess that up by making it sexual. I've done that in the past (pre-marriage) and FWB doesn't tend to work out well. I'd rather have a great friendship than a fleeting affair...I am mature and aware enough on that score. Nevermind how husband would react.

Anyhoo, this caused a big ol' nasty thread over in Relationships, but long story short we're doing counseling, I need to know he can be trusted to be sane and nonviolent. And as soon as I've had a period of time (I'm giving it 2 months, but it might be a little more or less) I will be moving out. I am already on the wait list for a great apartment complex. Looking forward to having my own space and some breathing room.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-30-2015, 10:40 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,497,719 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
No need to question or judge. Even if I occasionally have thoughts or feelings for another guy, I recognize it for what it is and shut it down one way or another. I haven't cheated.

Mainly because I've only felt that way for people that I did have a valued friendship with, and I didn't want to mess that up by making it sexual. I've done that in the past (pre-marriage) and FWB doesn't tend to work out well. I'd rather have a great friendship than a fleeting affair...I am mature and aware enough on that score. Nevermind how husband would react.

Anyhoo, this caused a big ol' nasty thread over in Relationships, but long story short we're doing counseling, I need to know he can be trusted to be sane and nonviolent. And as soon as I've had a period of time (I'm giving it 2 months, but it might be a little more or less) I will be moving out. I am already on the wait list for a great apartment complex. Looking forward to having my own space and some breathing room.
Best Wishes
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Psychology

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:38 PM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top