How to cope with living somewhere you hate? (depressed, syndrome, father)

[katenik]

Travel. A lot.

I also live in a city I hate, but I plan to escape this summer.

[Quixotic Chick]

I sympathize. I've lived in the Midwest for decades, and have always felt like a foreigner. I'm a 5th-generation Texan, but I have felt at home in New York City, the desert Southwest and California as much as I did in Texas. Go figure.

The Internet has made it easier to connect with others, but history and science books are still where I go to find inspiration. We're all children of the universe.

If you stay in OKC for a while, try to look past cultural differences to people as educated as you are. That's where you may find common ground. It seems there's an exciting acoustic music scene emerging in Tulsa. Stay tuned.

[wall st kid]

Originally Posted by bawac34618

In 2012 I had to move from a major city I loved on the east coast to Oklahoma City. I chose to move here because of a toxic job situation and due to the recession and the fact the city I lived in had a 10% unemployment rate, OKC seemed like a good deal at the time. My family also lives here and they had been pressuring me to move here for quite a while. While as a city person I had my reservations my job situation reached a point where I went ahead and took the plunge. Unfortunately within the first week I realized what a mistake I had made.

Now, three miserable years have gone by and I am only hate this place more each day. It's difficult for me to think of a single redeeming characteristic of this town and it feels like I am serving a prison sentence. I am close to my family but they are extremely religious and dogmatic, almost to Westboro Baptist levels, and they insist on controlling my life. Most people would be like "Why don't you just move?" It isn't that simple because of my current financial situation and obligations. It is going to be extremely difficult for me to move within the next five years. One thing I've learned is that time goes by faster than you think and the year 2020 (and freedom) will be here before I know it, but its scary to think that I'll be 34 then and that basically eight years of my life will have been flushed down the toilet in this place.

Being that I cannot move, I have to figure out a way to cope. That is very difficult because I am at odds with the dominant culture of OKC in about every way. This town is also very insular and after three years I still don't have a solid group of friends. Most people stick to their cliques that they grew up with in high school or college and by my age most people are married with kids. I am a fish out of water here. I have been compensating by more frequent trips to Dallas but that gets expensive and inconvenient and is no substitute for having a life where I actually live.

What kills me about this entire situation is it all could have been avoided. I had a gut feeling telling me I could never be happy in a small town like OKC prior to moving. I ignored my gut feeling and tried to convince myself that it would work. I had other options. I didn't have to move here. To top it off, at first it would have been relatively easy for me to move back to my old city or to move somewhere else, but last January I voluntarily committed myself to a financial obligation that makes moving next to impossible before the year 2020. In essence, I voluntarily walked into this prison cell and if that wasn't enough, I voluntarily locked the door.

So knowing the fact I am going to be in OKC for another five years, I have to figure out a way to cope. "Just having positive thoughts" doesn't work. I try my best at positive thinking and it only gets me a few days. I cannot continue to live like this though and I cannot handle another five years that have been like the last three. I am becoming a miserable, angry person. Though I am only 29 I feel like I am 70.

Can anybody else relate. Has anybody else ever hated where they live to this degree and if so, what did you do about it? If unable to move, how did you cope? How do I accept the fact that every puzzle piece of my current situation is of my own doing?

Part of me feels irrational for hating where I live this much and that while some places may be better or worse fits, most of the time happiness comes down to the person moreso than the place. Would anybody agree with that?

I was in my mid 20s and hated my situation, so i woke up one day and decided to move to S Florida on a whim. Best thing i ever did by far, a bit scary since i didnt have a heck of a lot of money, but i was at a point when i just couldn't take it anymore and needed a change and i needed a change that day. A bit impulsive, but you only live once, threw caution to the wind and it worked out well.

Tell me more about your current situation and "obligations". What's a more pressing obligation than to make yourself happy?

[Pennies4Penny]

I seriously think you should just sell everything you don't *need* and drive away. You could easily find a job in a restaurant or bar or even a grocery store that can get you by until you can find something in your field. Don't limit yourself because you can't find your specific job right away. You'll also have a local address this way. Selling your stuff will give you some cash, you can stay at an extended hotel or find a roommate until you are back on your feet.

[Jello071]

Originally Posted by bawac34618

This is what scares me. I am 29 and will be 34 by the time I can move. I have already thrown away my late twenties and cannot fathom throwing away five more years. I may not have a choice though. If I can figure out a way to cope these next years don't have to be as miserable as the last three. Life is what we make of it, but its just figuring out how to make it what we want and how to play the cards we have been dealt (or picked from the deck as I have).

If I could I would do it but its next to impossible in my current situation. I am literally contemplating whether or not I want to consider bankruptcy and/or a repossessed automobile just to make moving possible. Those are extreme measures but its what it would take.




Good point.

Sorry to chime in, but 34 is not old at all though, it is not even middle age yet (not that middle age is old either, i'm just making a point). As far as your situation I think everyone has these types of situations in their lives at times, here are examples...

Stuck at a job you are unhappy with
Stuck in a miserable marriage
Putting your own life on hold to raise kids until they move out
Being stuck at a college you are unhappy with but knowing if you transfer it will just add more years before you can graduate.

We all have these unhappy periods in life, it is how we learn to deal with them that helps. I am in a similar situation with the location, but i'm here until I can graduate college. I do go to college fairly miserable and the other people at the school have not always been the nicest when compared to other colleges I have attended, but i'm purposely sticking with it because i'm tired of transfering and want my degree.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to get through everything!

[wall st kid]

I guess the big question is this. If you pack up and move tomorrow to "parts unknown" and leave everything behind, what is the downside.

IN other words, what's the worst case scenario. I think its good to really address the pros and cons before deciding that some kind of obligations are keeping you where you dont want to be.

[HappyFarm34]

I live in a town I hate as well. The small town I live in treat you like an outsider if you didn't attend School in that area unless they really like you for whatever reason. Besides that, people tend to be cliquey associating with people they grew up with or known for a long time

Even in town, suburbia and the city, if you don't have something major in common (drugs/alcohol, religion, kids) with people you're friends with then plan on living life not having any close friends. Joining a club or group of mutual interest can be a way to make friends although I've found them to be superficial. Once you leave the group/club, then goes the friendship also

[Lilac110]

Please bear with the novel, but I'm in the same boat so maybe you can learn something from me.

When my ex-SO and I broke up in January of 2014, I wanted to move that summer, but knew I wouldn't be in the right place financially for it. Pretty much all of my friends are in my old city, yet I resigned myself to another 18 months here, during which I have worked my butt off, exercised a lot, read a lot, blown through several TV series, gone for a million walks, taken a billion photos, did a few hikes, paid down debt, had a few friends come visit, took one long weekend to visit friends, wrote a lot, listened to a lot of music, discovered a couple of new, inexpensive hobbies, and had a few mediocre dates that made me realize it wasn't worth the effort of getting to know anyone here. It has been pretty much me, my pet, and a few casual meet-ups this whole time.

But I got through it and with four months left to go, time feels like it's whirling by. I'm actually kind of freaked out that I might not get everything done in time.

Do I have all the money I wanted to have? No. But at this point, I don't give a crap. I am getting rid of 90% of what I own: What doesn't fit in a cargo van isn't coming with me, and at the end of August, come hell or high water, I am out of here. I'll probably end up in a smaller place, and I can only afford to make one trip down there between now and the time I move so I can look at places, so I'll have to live on an air mattress for the first few weeks while I shop for furniture and wait for it to be delivered. But the thought of spending another year here makes me want to slit my wrists, so off I go.

Give yourself a timeframe and be merciless with yourself in doing what needs to be done to stick to it.

1. Sell your car back to the dealer and buy a beater.

2. Cut out frivolous expenses--no booze, no partying, no new clothes or gadgets. My spending increased in only two areas. I got HBO and Showtime on my cable because I knew I'd be watching a lot of TV, and I got a smartphone (I didn't have one before), which was worth it just to be able to play on Instagram, never mind all the other things I can do with it.

3. Tend to your social media. Use it to your advantage. One of my Instagram accounts exploded in a way I didn't anticipate, to the point where people are recognizing me on other social media and I'm about ready to launch a website from it. It has brought me into contact with people I never would have met any other way, people who are becoming friends "in real life." Bonus, a lot of them are in other parts of the country and the world--great for when I start traveling again.

4. Make plans to sell what you can't or don't want to move. In my case, I've sold or am selling the jewelry my ex gave me, some kitchenwares, Lenox Christmas ornaments from his family, and most likely my dining set and coffee and end tables. My sofas and mattresses are old, so I'm junking them.

In your case, you might want to take a second, part-time job for about a year. It will make the time fly, and you can quit a few months before you move so you can get the move together. Put everything from that job into either paying down debt if you have any, or just setting it aside for your moving fund.

I feel your pain. I really do. But you really have to stop looking backward at the mistakes you made, and start looking forward at all of the amazing things you're going to do when you get where you're going. I mentioned to a friend the other day that I am as free as free can be without having a million bucks. No spouse, no kids, work for myself. If I can afford to do something, I can do it, with no one to consult, no one else to consider, no one to babysit. If I want to do something totally off the wall, like book a vacation across the ocean, I'll be able to do that.

Oh, and I'm 48. Not to one-up you on the misery scale, but you're young and time is on your side. Imagine starting your whole life over at my age. If I can do it, you can.

[AnywhereElse]

Originally Posted by MoonBeam33

What is it you are looking for that you're having trouble finding?

I lived in a crappy town that I hated for 10 years and finally moved. What made it bearable was finding events and people that had a similar mindset. I went to art showings, open mic nights, bands, galleries, took classes at community college, found other moms to hang out with, got jobs where I was able to be social and get to know my coworkers and customers, etc.

Are you trying to find where your people are hiding, or are you sitting at home fuming? Is there an alternative weekly that lists events you might be interested in? Given Meetup a try? Start your own group? Engage random strangers in conversation?

You've got to start somewhere!

^This is what you do, you make the best of a bad situation. I did notice something very interesting that I have seen before and that is the OP, although from day one hating the place, did not concentrate on saving money which is the number one step in changing one's location. Going to Dallas? Buying something that put him 8 years in debt? My guess is at some level, OP doesn't really want to leave that bad because he put up walls for himself. I have seen this before.

[Lilac110]

Oh, and I'm going to get hokey on you for a minute. Mock me if you must. My glorious reputation here can handle it.

Find some inspiration in art or music.

Here's a song, from me to you, and anyone else in a similar situation.