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I don't know where best to place this thread but I really need help trying to influence him more positively.
He is my older brother, 35 yrs old, unmarried and still live with my mom. When we were growing up, he's always viewed as the socially smart one. He's a smooth talker, have lots of friends and girl friends and always out and about. However he never had an interest for school and can never sit down and study for long. He didn't finish community college, my parents were pretty disappointed since they were both highly educated but they always thought he would be smart enough to figure out what he's gonna do in life. He worked as a waiter after he dropped out and then into phone retail. But he always spends more than he makes driving nice cars, eating well and buying expensive gifts of his gfs. After the '08 recession, he was unemployed for more than a year, moved back to my mom's place and worked as her assistant. Mom had to pay off most of his ridiculous credit card debts too. Her plan is for my brother to take over her business and clients as an insurance agent / financial planner when she retires. However fast forward to present, my brother still couldn't pass all his licensing tests, let alone perform at a level remotely close to the average employee. When I go visit them I see that his intellectual level is still stuck at the high school level. We can not hold a conversation longer than a minute talking about anything besides sports. It seems like he has absolutely no interest in anything besides drinking at the bar and watching basketball. He will study for less than 5 min, get a "headache" and then start talking to his friends about where to go drink that night.
I have tried to bring up my worries and tried to get him on track but he never wants to have a serious talk, always changing topic to sports. I know he has serious pride and very fragile inside. He would shut down and run away whenever parents criticize and scold him. Whenever we try to give him positive reinforcement, he feels like we are patronizing him. Before I resented him for being a leech and drain on my mom, not letting her retire. But the last time I saw him, I just felt sad for him. He's starting to have medical problems and aged very quickly this last few years. He had lost that glow in his eyes and just no longer the vibrant smooth talking chick magnet that I know. I think he has depression and borderline alcoholic. We all want to help him but don't know what else to do. How do we help him help himself. I need sound advice please!
I'm not sure how to help him, but I agree that he is probably depressed. I am guessing he thought he could never live up to the expectations set by your parents, so he doesn't even try. If you don't try you can't fail. Then he buys all this stuff to fill the void in his life and to project a successful life to society and friends.
My brother in law was like that (he is 5 years older than my husband). When I first met him he was living with my husband's parents because he was in so much debt. About a year later he did move out, but the more my and my husband's relationship progressed, the worse he got. He was constantly buying expensive stuff he never used, bought a brand new truck every year, gained a couple hundred pounds and drank throughout the day every day. Never stumbling drunk, but always something. He would always buy us these big expensive gifts at Christmas. I think he did it, because they only thing he had that we didn't was money. Right before the birth of our second kid he had some sort of weight loss surgery, then about 6 months later he met a woman online, 6 months later proposed, 3 months later they got married. They tried to have kids from the get-go, but I think one or both of them has fertility issues (she has two kids already). He was the favorite child growing up and was always achieving what were perceived to be better things than my husband and I think when my husband got into a relationship and started having kids and buying a house and flourishing in that area, he became really jealous, so he tried to play catch up as fast as he could once he realized sitting on his ass wasn't getting him anywhere. Funny thing is, now that he is married, he barely attemps to talk to us anymore and can't even be bothered to get us a simple card at Christmas anymore. Interesting change of events, huh?
I think maybe just encourage him, but don't be pushy. If he shows interest in something, be very supportive and help as much as HE wants. Try to suggest things in less obvious ways, because I think when people help too much, it's off-putting and can have the opposite effect as intended. Maybe he will snap out of it like my BIL, but he may have to get worse before he gets better. Good luck.
Your mom has been enabling him and he's not going to change as long as that's going on. Concentrate on your own life, and stay out of the weird dynamic he's got with your mother. If he asks your opinion, give it. Just don't get sucked in unless he's taking tangible steps to improve his situation.
He's a grown man, and he's not your responsibility.
OP- there is not a thing you can do about this situation. It as created by your mother & brother. It will continue as long as they want it to continue.
Your brother is grown man- you can't fix him- he has to want to fix himself.
It would be much easier for you emotionally to just let it go- stay out of the picture and live your life the best you can. Get involved in this family dynamic and all you will get is grief.
I'm not sure how to help him, but I agree that he is probably depressed. I am guessing he thought he could never live up to the expectations set by your parents, so he doesn't even try. If you don't try you can't fail. Then he buys all this stuff to fill the void in his life and to project a successful life to society and friends.
My brother in law was like that (he is 5 years older than my husband). When I first met him he was living with my husband's parents because he was in so much debt. About a year later he did move out, but the more my and my husband's relationship progressed, the worse he got. He was constantly buying expensive stuff he never used, bought a brand new truck every year, gained a couple hundred pounds and drank throughout the day every day. Never stumbling drunk, but always something. He would always buy us these big expensive gifts at Christmas. I think he did it, because they only thing he had that we didn't was money. Right before the birth of our second kid he had some sort of weight loss surgery, then about 6 months later he met a woman online, 6 months later proposed, 3 months later they got married. They tried to have kids from the get-go, but I think one or both of them has fertility issues (she has two kids already). He was the favorite child growing up and was always achieving what were perceived to be better things than my husband and I think when my husband got into a relationship and started having kids and buying a house and flourishing in that area, he became really jealous, so he tried to play catch up as fast as he could once he realized sitting on his ass wasn't getting him anywhere. Funny thing is, now that he is married, he barely attemps to talk to us anymore and can't even be bothered to get us a simple card at Christmas anymore. Interesting change of events, huh?
I think maybe just encourage him, but don't be pushy. If he shows interest in something, be very supportive and help as much as HE wants. Try to suggest things in less obvious ways, because I think when people help too much, it's off-putting and can have the opposite effect as intended. Maybe he will snap out of it like my BIL, but he may have to get worse before he gets better. Good luck.
Thanks for your story. I am hoping for him to marry the right girl and change his life too. But again, due to his extreme pride, he rejects all efforts of trying to help him in that department. I have seen the quality of his gf going south throughout the years and now I haven't seen him with a girl for years.
For years I felt it was not my business too but now I realize it is very much my business. I was never close to him so cutting off relationship with him won't be hard but of course I still have to take care of my mom as she ages. Mom is not going to abandon my brother no matter what happens. So the more he takes away from her, the less she will have for her retirement and more chance that I have to step in and help. That is what I want to prevent!
Honestly, you cannot fix either one of them. Your mother is an enabler and your brother is a taker. It is her decision to continue to enable him, it is not your responsibility to take care of her.
Marrying will not resolve his issues, his direction in life is his to set. It sounds like alcohol is affecting his life more than you are willing to accept.
You are making excuses for his behavior, this is not healthy for either of you, not to mention your codependent/enabling mother.
There are many good books on codependency, one is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, might be worth a read.
Yep, your mother is an enabler. There is nothing you can do as your mother and brother must make the decision to get the help they need. You can suggest counseling or therapy but most likely they will not be interested. Take care of yourself, you cannot save anyone else.
Thanks for your story. I am hoping for him to marry the right girl and change his life too. But again, due to his extreme pride, he rejects all efforts of trying to help him in that department. I have seen the quality of his gf going south throughout the years and now I haven't seen him with a girl for years.
For years I felt it was not my business too but now I realize it is very much my business. I was never close to him so cutting off relationship with him won't be hard but of course I still have to take care of my mom as she ages. Mom is not going to abandon my brother no matter what happens. So the more he takes away from her, the less she will have for her retirement and more chance that I have to step in and help. That is what I want to prevent!
I guess you have to help in less obvious ways. Invite him out to group events where he can mingle with new people, but not feel the pressure of "hey I met this girl, I think you should meet." Ask around and see if you know anyone looking to hire someone, then mention it to him. Idk!!?!! He won't change unless he WANTS to, but I think you can nudge him a little.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dollydo
Honestly, you cannot fix either one of them. Your mother is an enabler and your brother is a taker. It is her decision to continue to enable him, it is not your responsibility to take care of her.
Marrying will not resolve his issues, his direction in life is his to set. It sounds like alcohol is affecting his life more than you are willing to accept.
You are making excuses for his behavior, this is not healthy for either of you, not to mention your codependent/enabling mother.
There are many good books on codependency, one is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, might be worth a read.
I think it might be good to talk to your mom in private about him. See if you can get her to understand how her good intentions are actually detrimental to him. If you can get her on board, it might be easier to get him to make changes.
He's an adult infant. Mom should have kicked him out over a decade ago.
If he faces homelessness, he'll figure it out.
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