Mom believes in keeping secrets in marriage, I don't. Who is right? (boyfriend, parent)
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I just got into an argument with my mum about this - we usually talk pretty openly but occasionally we disagree big time, she'll call me stubborn (but then she'll storm out in a huff and end the discussion... uh?) but that's not what I'm here about.
We were on the subject of my older brother's mental health - he had just admitted to feeling down and stressed out about life to both of us and we had a good chat with him yesterday where we encouraged him to talk to us and his friends more, etc - and she wanted to get him over to her house tomorrow evening for dinner so they could talk "without his wife". To which I objected to, as I don't believe in keeping secrets from the wife of this nature.
She then shot back saying that she might say things that are hurtful to the wife ("I don't think you can leave wife to run the business by herself while she recovers, I don't think she can handle that") and I retorted saying that is a discussion that they really need to have ("If you believe that, then pose it as a question? Like ask if that sounds like too much work for her?").
And then it degraded into a heated conversation about whether one spouse should be keeping secrets from the other, with my mom accusing me of being too honest and me accusing her of distrusting the very people that we should be trusting the most. At some point I told her that I believed it was wrong to keep secrets from the other half, and she ended the discussion there and left.
After cooling down I still believe I am in the right - that married couples shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other, especially if its about stress and potential depression (I've been through depression before...), and that any conflicts that may arise need to be resolved rather than hidden. My mom on the other hand tries not to hurt or offend the other, which I understand, but I believe just creates more issues to surface later on.
I feel like that this is a thing that shapes how she behaves around family, which I am uncomfortable with - many times she will want to have dinner with me or my brother, without the other half, and while her advice is usually right (be cautious of things like XYZ) I can't help but feel uncomfortable with these under-the-radar conversations. I recall of an incident where an extended family member inadvertently offended her grandfather, and the entire family's solution seemed to be "keep that family member away from grandpa until he forgets" (while I kept thinking "WHY CAN'T THEY JUST TALK/DISCUSS/ARGUE AND MOVE ON?!?!").
I've been with my fiancee for three years (and friends for five years before that) and will be getting married in November. I feel that we have grown closer and closer together on a platform of open communication, and we would always discuss things like this ("do you think you can handle XYZ?" "I think we should do ABC instead, what do you think?") without fear of hurting the other, as we both know that we don't intend to do so. To illustrate the extent of our transparency, she felt comfortable enough a few months into our relationship to admit that she still felt love for her ex - to which I responded that I was hurt, but at the same time I understood, I knew I was kind of a rebound (lol), and that I still loved her and understood that she would need some time to get over it (or not... but she did ). But our transparency isn't to the point of excessive I think - we still keep separate bank accounts (and intend to even in marriage, but with an added joint account for household expenses), we don't pry into each other's email/FB/chats/etc and one of us will disappear occasionally to hang out with our respective friends.
I always feel like my mum holds a certain distrust of her (and my brother's wife too - they've been together for almost 15 years!) which I usually ignore but I feel its a bit toxic (and I know that my fiancee can smell a bit of it - she tries to ignore it because I have no idea what to do with it, but it bothers me too). I mean its usually non-character specific stuff ("chinese girls sometimes are like XYZ" to which I respond "mom, she really isn't, and if she is then I will find out sooner or later and she will only have herself to blame") but still...
Then again, my parents have been married for over 30 years... so eh?
The purist (from a relationship standpoint) will say that keeping secrets is not healthy for a marriage, using trust as one factor. But from the "what you don't know won't hurt you" perspective, I think it depends solely on the perpetrator's ability to live with whatever they did worthy of keeping it a secret from their partner. {make any sense?}
Does a tree falling in the forest make a sound? Only if someone is there to hear it. If a secret is held back, does it do any harm to your spouse if they never find out about it? For instance, a cheater probably wouldn't announce to their spouse that they cheated. But if that person somehow keeps it a secret and it doesn't affect the marriage which in fact may flourish, what harm is done? The risk for the person keeping the secret is, if it ever leaks, all bets are off. It takes a strong and smart person to navigate through life keeping secrets while not hurting anyone.
What your mum wants to do is have secrets from her son's wife. So, no, what she wants to do is not honest or helpful.
In general, I also think that we should be honest about our current lives with our spouses. This should be the policy, to be changed rarely and with discretion.
I don't know that we need to be 100% honest about every single thing before the relationship though. Yes, people should discuss past sexual and emotional affairs. But, I don't think they need to give detailed descriptions. And there might be things in the past that need to be left alone. I do think mental health issues should be discussed honestly though.
In other words, things that might impact the marriage should be discussed, and things that happen after marriage should be honestly told, but things that happened before the marriage and that are not relevant now don't need to be, IMO.
My mother has been married to my father 35+ years and she believes in keeping secrets as well. Maybe it has to do with being married so long!!! I don't know. My mother even keeps secret stash of cash in a secret place in the house LOL. (only I know where the secret place is)
My mother has been married to my father 35+ years and she believes in keeping secrets as well. Maybe it has to do with being married so long!!! I don't know. My mother even keeps secret stash of cash in a secret place in the house LOL. (only I know where the secret place is)
My mom has that too. Once she was sick so she showed me her stash and told me, incase she dies, I know where she keeps them. You need some secret in marriage for your own sanity and your other half.
You and your Mother both need to butt out of your brother's business and his wife.
It is up to him to decide when to talk to her about what and what to do about any business or financial issues that may or may not happen.
If he wants to talk that is fine but keep your opinions to yourself and direct him to his wife since his decisions affect her directly, not you.
PS ~~ The relationship you have with your boyfriend has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship your brother has with his wife
or the relationship your parents have with each other.
Different couples have different dynamics that they feel works for them, you tend to yours, they tend to theirs and they do not need
input from you or your Mother.
I'm on Moms side, and I don't think just having a discussion without wife present is "keeping secrets". I feel no obligation to tell any SO every detail of my past either, and I don't consider that "keeping secrets" either.
My mother has been married to my father 35+ years and she believes in keeping secrets as well. Maybe it has to do with being married so long!!! I don't know. My mother even keeps secret stash of cash in a secret place in the house LOL. (only I know where the secret place is)
This has nothing to do with being married for over 35 years, and everything to do with your mom's personality or fears.
You and your Mother both need to butt out of your brother's business and his wife.
It is up to him to decide when to talk to her about what and what to do about any business or financial issues that may or may not happen.
If he wants to talk that is fine but keep your opinions to yourself and direct him to his wife since his decisions affect her directly, not you.
This...exactly.
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). But our transparency isn't to the point of excessive I think - we still keep separate bank accounts (and intend to even in marriage, but with an added joint account for household expenses), we don't pry into each other's email/FB/chats/etc and one of us will disappear occasionally to hang out with our respective friends.
