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I been thinking about this topic as I think I spend too much time on my own.
I really don't talk to people that much and have a few friends althou I date a lot.
But sometimes I just don't talk a lot in general maybe Im just boring or so but my dates don't think so or anyone else.
But what causes someone to be socially awkward?
The reasons are varied, and many posters here laid out some good reasons as to why a person might be socially awkward. And I'll add another potential reason into the mix: having a disdain for the artificiality of many of our social conventions/customs.
I think many socially awkward people are not lacking social skills; rather, they have a hard time 'faking' the appropriate and expected behaviors and mannerisms required in many social situations. I've known people who have such a distaste for small talk and polite conversation that they often come across as being aloof, crass, or rude. That, of course, is not their intention, but they hate having to play along with the whole social dance that society expects each one of us to play. To function well in society, every man, woman, and child has to wear a variety of social masks that enable them to move smoothly across the social spectrum, and many of these masks are not true, accurate reflections of the real self. So for many people, that discontinuity between the outer mask and the inner self creates significant angst; it makes some people feel overly phony and artificial, and they counter those feelings by being real, unfiltered, and unmasked. Many people are offended by those types of people (I probably am to a degree), but I sort of admire folks who are bold enough to be real (or at least more real than the average person).
I think many socially awkward people are not lacking social skills; rather, they have a hard time 'faking' the appropriate and expected behaviors and mannerisms required in many social situations. I've known people who have such a distaste for small talk and polite conversation that they often come across as being aloof, crass, or rude. That, of course, is not their intention, but they hate having to play along with the whole social dance that society expects each one of us to play. To function well in society, every man, woman, and child has to wear a variety of social masks that enable them to move smoothly across the social spectrum, and many of these masks are not true, accurate reflections of the real self. So for many people, that discontinuity between the outer mask and the inner self creates significant angst; it makes some people feel overly phony and artificial, and they counter those feelings by being real, unfiltered, and unmasked. Many people are offended by those types of people (I probably am to a degree), but I sort of admire folks who are bold enough to be real (or at least more real than the average person).
I read part of this thread earlier and was thinking about it on my way home today. This is pretty close to what I was thinking.
I don't think I ever mastered the art of small talk for some reason. I don't do well in superficial situations. That might not be the best word - I don't mean necessarily mean superficial in a bad way, but just a introductory/impersonal way. I often wonder, when I make eye contact with someone I don't know (walking around the exercise track, making small conversation with the cashier at the grocery store, etc), what they see in my eyes. Am I being too forward? Are they reading something that I don't intend? It feels vulnerable, and I want to get past that vulnerability, or have it accepted, but the relationship doesn't allow it. We're intended to put on a certain face ("mask") that holds only a specific amount of friendliness, shall we say. And that feels awkward to me.
I wonder what it is about some [other] people, that they are unaffected by this initial awkwardness (and go on to become my friends) while others are turned off by it. My friends are certainly not all identical to me.
Now - what caused this? I don't know. Maybe it was from not having enough socialization as a small child. My parents are both fairly introverted as well. Maybe it was from being bullied as an older child (or maybe the bullying came after the personality was set). Or maybe it's just a nature vs nurture thing, and will happen regardless of social circumstances.
The reasons are varied, and many posters here laid out some good reasons as to why a person might be socially awkward. And I'll add another potential reason into the mix: having a disdain for the artificiality of many of our social conventions/customs.
I think many socially awkward people are not lacking social skills; rather, they have a hard time 'faking' the appropriate and expected behaviors and mannerisms required in many social situations. I've known people who have such a distaste for small talk and polite conversation that they often come across as being aloof, crass, or rude. That, of course, is not their intention, but they hate having to play along with the whole social dance that society expects each one of us to play. To function well in society, every man, woman, and child has to wear a variety of social masks that enable them to move smoothly across the social spectrum, and many of these masks are not true, accurate reflections of the real self. So for many people, that discontinuity between the outer mask and the inner self creates significant angst; it makes some people feel overly phony and artificial, and they counter those feelings by being real, unfiltered, and unmasked. Many people are offended by those types of people (I probably am to a degree), but I sort of admire folks who are bold enough to be real (or at least more real than the average person).
I think you're on to something here. I'm pretty horrible when it comes to group conversations because it is mostly BS but when I get someone alone I'm genuinely interested in learning about them. Most people prefer the phony BS for some reason.
I guess people might get creeped out by me asking too many personal questions though.
I think you're confusing functionality with artificiality.
Also, a person with outstanding social skills is inherently no more or less "real" than one who lacks them.
If we define being real as being unfiltered, then I'd wager that many of the socially adept people probably are less real than the more blunt, unfiltered people. Socially adept people tend to be very good actors who excel at impression management; they slip between personas easily and are prolific social chameleons, adjusting their presentation according to many variables. These people make good politicians. They excel at crafting their message to fit the expectations and needs of a specific audience. Low self-monitors are the opposite: they tend to say what they feel, consequences be damned. Naturally, those types don't excel at politics, but they do excel at being real ( unfiltered).
I think you're on to something here. I'm pretty horrible when it comes to group conversations because it is mostly BS but when I get someone alone I'm genuinely interested in learning about them. Most people prefer the phony BS for some reason.
I guess people might get creeped out by me asking too many personal questions though.
Most people that I know seem to think I am very sociable. And around them, I am, because I force myself to be. But by nature, I am an introvert who could sit for hours around others and not say a word. And I'd be comfortable with that. But I alter my approach because many people seem to expect extroverted/social behaviors, and me being a polite guy, I play along. But most of the time, I feel phony, like I am conning others into thinking I am someone that I am not.
But I think we all have to play the con-job more often than not, because society expects us to act in certain ways in various social situations. And if we don't conform, then we get marginalized, rejected, or labeled as social deviants. So we have no choice but to play the game. We have to wear different faces and show different behaviors daily, regardless of our true thoughts or desires. It's funny how superficial society forces us to be.
I'll say I'm pretty awkward in general, even around the people closest to me. I hesitate and second guess myself a lot. I think being uncomfortable also describes it.
I resent the people who just throw socially awkward people into the self-centered and self-absorbed pile. Tons of social people are very into themselves and can't stop talking about themselves. They just don't care or notice that they are this way.
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