Woman with house cleaning obsession (addiction, anxiety, therapy, dating)

[Bearsdad]

I recently met a woman in her mid forties who lives alone in a nice home in the country. I went out with her several times and had a lot of fun with her. A month or so into "dating" I encountered an unusual problem. This woman gets off on constantly housekeeping (I swear literally gets off) and would rather clean house than go out and have fun.


We make plans for the weekend in advance for some form of fun and when the time comes we end up cancelling because she wants to clean the house. It never needs it because of constant cleaning. She invites me to "help" cause cleaning house is "fun" she says.


She gets a six pack, throws on headphones and ipod and goes to town. Scrubs bathroom and kitchen floor that don't need it on her hands and knees. I have never seen anything like it. Tells me, there is nothing sexier than watching a man clean house! If I endure 8 hours or more of this, I am guaranteed to have incredible sex. Housecleaning makes her horny. This came right out of her own mouth.


I have never seen anything like this. I tried to compromise with I will help you clean Saturday if you go have fun with me Sunday, but she always finds an excuse for MORE CLEANING. I am sure this is some form of mental illness but I can't find anything on it.


I was wondering how to get her out of the cleaning mode cause she can be fun. I offered to pay a housekeeper so she had free time, but wouldn't hear of it cause she LOVES to clean. OMG. I have told her repeatedly there is more to life than cleaning house, but it gets me nowhere. I am thinking of making plans (which will fall thru) next weekend and when she says we need to clean house first, tell her sorry, I need to have fun and housecleaning isn't it. Call me when you get done.


Ideas???

[baileyvpotter]

Sounds like obsessive compulsive disorder.

How Clean is "Clean?"

[silibran]

I am not sure of the OP's friend has anxiety about not cleaning, and obsessive compulsives seem to me to be anxiety ridden.

I do think she is odd. I am not sure what she thinks she is accomplishing with all the cleaning. If she feel compelled to do this, though, I do think she has some sort of problem. Since the OP can't persuade her to vary her routine, then perhaps she is driven to do this for some reason.

I doubt the OP can change her. She would have to want to change herself.

[Last1Standing]

This is a common form of OCD/addiction. It may have either biological or psychological origins. It can be changed if the person is motivated to change. Clearly this person is NOT motivated to change, and she is prioritizing her OCD over your relationship. She has made her choice and it's not you. I don't see a future for you together, any more than you would have a future with someone with any other form of addiction who is unmotivated to quit.

[Bluesmama]

She is OCD, and keep it in mind that she isn't likely to change, so do a good soul-search to learn if you want to continue with this person or find a way to deal with it. If you like some spontaneity in your life, you will not have it with this person.

We were visiting some friends of my husband last summer and it was my first time meeting them. The house was immaculate. We were sitting on the back deck and I observed the wife several times when she got up to futz with the drawstrings on the blinds, which wasn't needed and I got to the point where I wanted to yell at her to stop fooling with the damn blinds and just SIT! I work for an extreme OCD and that person is sending the rest of us into a early grave.

[mainebrokerman]

this can run deep

cleaning the house is equated with cleaning the soul....

ive met some ocd nesters .... its never "clean enough"

maybe they need to let go some anchors of the past that makes them feel "dirty"


it can be something superficial too....women are judged by other women (ironically) quite harshly if the house is a mess.. the woman gets the blame,,,not the guy

or maybe she grew up in a messy house- or the flipside... very very strict parents on cleaning,,, or maybe she was poor growing up ,,,but poor doesn't mean dirty


this isn't so bad a behavior.... its cheaper than going out to eat.... and while its some sort of addictive
behavior,,,it isn't harmful,,as in any substances ingested



if she great in all other areas then shes a keeper...

[bigpaul]

sounds like OCD to me.

[Calvert Hall '62]

I'd like to hire someone like her. The people at the professional cleaning companies act as if they're being tortured when doing their jobs.

[Bearsdad]

Originally Posted by mainebrokerman

this can run deep

cleaning the house is equated with cleaning the soul....

ive met some ocd nesters .... its never "clean enough"

maybe they need to let go some anchors of the past that makes them feel "dirty"


it can be something superficial too....women are judged by other women (ironically) quite harshly if the house is a mess.. the woman gets the blame,,,not the guy

or maybe she grew up in a messy house- or the flipside... very very strict parents on cleaning,,, or maybe she was poor growing up ,,,but poor doesn't mean dirty


this isn't so bad a behavior.... its cheaper than going out to eat.... and while its some sort of addictive
behavior,,,it isn't harmful,,as in any substances ingested



if she great in all other areas then shes a keeper...

The mother cleaned houses for a living and she says their house was spotless. Every time the mother comes to visit she goes on an eight hour cleaning frenzy so when the mother comes the place passes inspection.

[AnywhereElse]

I agree with others. If you don't want to accept her "warts and all", find someone else. No housekeeper in the world could help the problem and chances of her seeing a problem and wanting therapy to work through it aren't good at all.