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Old 03-28-2016, 08:46 AM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,223,001 times
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I have a mom just like her....

I stopped listening to everyone else & took care of me. Save your own child from the same life.
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Old 03-28-2016, 11:16 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
15,207 posts, read 10,238,419 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelassie View Post
Agreed, and what in the world would you say on a card that you sent with those flowers???

My sister and I had a mother who left us when we were very young. We rarely saw her at all until we were in our 20's. We have always had a difficult time picking out a Mother's Day card for her. Not too many cards say "Thanks for abandoning us when we were little to our psycho grandmother".
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Old 03-28-2016, 11:27 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
15,207 posts, read 10,238,419 times
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Like some on here have said - it's very sad that so many of us had mothers, and in my case, a mother and then a grandmother, who was so toxic in our lives. The hateful words are still in my head and have been for 40 years. I can look at my past and see where I made a lot of mistakes because I kept listening to those words in my head.


TO THE OP: - say goodbye to her - if she has nothing to contribute to your life or your child's and only causes you grief, anxiety and sadness cut the string and never reattach it. These people don't deserve their children.
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Old 03-28-2016, 12:24 PM
 
527 posts, read 685,436 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
Like some on here have said - it's very sad that so many of us had mothers, and in my case, a mother and then a grandmother, who was so toxic in our lives. The hateful words are still in my head and have been for 40 years. I can look at my past and see where I made a lot of mistakes because I kept listening to those words in my head.


TO THE OP: - say goodbye to her - if she has nothing to contribute to your life or your child's and only causes you grief, anxiety and sadness cut the string and never reattach it. These people don't deserve their children.
What I think is SO sad about people like my mother and your mother and grandmother is that I see the same pattern. My mom's family is a motley crew of mental illness. They lie compulsively, cheat, and abusive everyone they are in relationships with. The cycle stops with me, but it's SO sad to see my mother continue the behavior.
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Old 03-28-2016, 01:34 PM
 
1,295 posts, read 1,031,884 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Caarmour View Post
And like clockwork she comes back. She's sick again and now EVERYONE is like "I know you guys don't get along but you really should..."

A little backstory, when she was sick the last time I left my job to move home and take care of her. This was about 3 years ago. As SOON as she felt better, she reverted to her evil abusive ways, and here we are. And now I suppose I'm expected to do the same with a full-time job and pregnant. I really can't. I don't want to.
Then don't.

Remember earlier in the discussion when I said "to thine own self be true?" Those are words to live by IMO. You have yourself and a baby to look out for, so tell all the guilt trip people to **** off.
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Old 04-02-2016, 09:57 AM
 
4,899 posts, read 6,203,902 times
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Caarmour, congratulations. I have read the entire thread and chiluvr's post is spot on:

Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
Like some on here have said - it's very sad that so many of us had mothers, and in my case, a mother and then a grandmother, who was so toxic in our lives. The hateful words are still in my head and have been for 40 years. I can look at my past and see where I made a lot of mistakes because I kept listening to those words in my head.
TO THE OP: - say goodbye to her - if she has nothing to contribute to your life or your child's and only causes you grief, anxiety and sadness cut the string and never reattach it. These people don't deserve their children.
When I checked the link (beginning of the thread) my mother had 8 out 9 traits. I was a dutiful and
loving daughter who wanted to please my mother but anything or everything I did was never enough.
She was very manipulative, mentally abusive, critical and cold as ice to me. I did not want her
to do the same things to my children. Actually, she really didn't show any affection to her grandchildren
except when someone was taking photographs and she really didn't care to see them or show any
love. However, to everyone else, people just loved her.

Why it took me over 50 years to say "no more" was foolish. I guess the last straw was when I had
to be taken to the ER (almost died) but surgery saved my life. I never asked my mother for help
or anything else but I did ask for her to come and help me during my recovery. She refused.
Actually, her friends were shocked and tried to convince her to help.
It was then that her friends and the rest of my family began to question her stories. She enjoyed
creating problems and telling lies as a form of entertainment.
Even after the surgery, she would rarely call because her motto was "a daughter should be the one
to call her mother," and I would but not as often.
Also OP, you mentioned that your mother is sick again. If there are people saying "you should..."
maybe they should be signing up to take care of her. You need to take care of yourself and your
baby.
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Old 04-02-2016, 04:39 PM
 
Location: South Wales, United Kingdom
5,238 posts, read 4,041,938 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
I have a mom just like her....

I stopped listening to everyone else & took care of me. Save your own child from the same life.
Yes, this is what I've been trying to do too.
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Old 04-10-2016, 05:58 AM
 
527 posts, read 685,436 times
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Do any of you guys watch Shahs of Sunset? Mercedes' mom seems to share a lot of my mothers' characteristics. It'a kind of scary. How many of us are there?!
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Old 04-10-2016, 09:12 AM
 
1,483 posts, read 1,376,651 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eok View Post
If I were hanged on the highest hill
I know whose love would follow me still
If I were drowned in the deepest sea
I know whose tears would come down to me
If I were damned of body and soul
I know whose prayers would make me whole

When your mother is a jerk, you need to avoid spending time with her, but still give her your love and respect. Even if you don't talk to her for years, you should at least send her some flowers or something every Mothers Day. And it's always better to say nothing than to say something mean.
The problem with having a toxic parent is that the damage inflicted on the child can follow them well into adulthood. Verbal damage, and the actions (or non-actions) that may accompany those words can instill psychological injury that is as harmful as any physical abuse. If a parent were to beat a child, teenager, or even adult child on a regular basis, would the correct advice be to "still give the parent love and respect"? Of course not. The reality of the long-term damaging effects of verbal abuse, sadly, is still often overlooked, sometimes by those with the best of intentions.

When a parent is harming a child, regardless of the method, it needs to be stopped for the sake of the child. If it follows the child into adulthood, and the child (now an adult) recognizes that the parent has to be removed from their life, it can be one of the hardest decisions to make. But it's necessary. Not every parent is worthy of being a parent...and in every case, the reason for the abuse that is subjected onto the child has NOTHING to do with the child. It is the parent's mental flaw; whatever issue they are dealing with, be it a mental medical issue or unresolved issues from their own childhood, they turn it outward, subjecting their own offspring to harm.

The problem that lies within all of this is that children are taught, and reminded by others, that they are to always respect their parents. Well, as with everything else, respect is not something that must be given; it needs to be earned. For those parents who disrespect their children over and over again, they have NOT earned the respect of their children. And for those children, or adult children, of those parents, the hardest, and yet most necessary step that they need to take is to recognize when they are being abused, to recognize that it is not their fault; that they did NOT deserve to be treated like that, and once they are able to walk away from it, they have taken the step to finally respect themselves. Not an easy thing to do, ever.

OP, I wish you all the best with your baby and applaud you for walking away from someone who has been harming you. I imagine it took a tremendous amount of courage, yet you did it for yourself...and for your unborn child.
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Old 04-10-2016, 03:19 PM
 
1,295 posts, read 1,031,884 times
Reputation: 2823
Quote:
Originally Posted by bassetluv View Post
The problem with having a toxic parent is that the damage inflicted on the child can follow them well into adulthood. Verbal damage, and the actions (or non-actions) that may accompany those words can instill psychological injury that is as harmful as any physical abuse. If a parent were to beat a child, teenager, or even adult child on a regular basis, would the correct advice be to "still give the parent love and respect"? Of course not. The reality of the long-term damaging effects of verbal abuse, sadly, is still often overlooked, sometimes by those with the best of intentions.

When a parent is harming a child, regardless of the method, it needs to be stopped for the sake of the child. If it follows the child into adulthood, and the child (now an adult) recognizes that the parent has to be removed from their life, it can be one of the hardest decisions to make. But it's necessary.
It can be pretty damn liberating too.

As for everything else you said though, I agree 100%.
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