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Please be as specific as possible. I Googled "how to be happy alone" and I got a ton of very vague "tips". Things like "exercising", "practice self love", "find your passion", etc. I noticed a lot of people on here say very feel-good fufu things that doesn't really have a ton of meaning behind what they say. They're cliches and anyone can say them. I hope someone can really answer this question or at least think it through with me on an honest level.
I like who I am as a person. I'm funny, I'm sweet, I care about people, I'm smart, and attractive. I love what I do, how I look, and who I am, even the ugly parts. I work out 6 days a week and I work hard at whatever I do. I'm a great friend and I've been a great girlfriend. I feel pretty lucky as I feel I have it all. I have overcome many obstacles and I know I'm a strong person, physically and emotionally. I would say I'm pretty happy with myself.
But I still wake up with that empty void like something is missing in my life. I still feel needy from time to time. I think of people who aren't good for me and contact exes. I put up with bad behavior sometimes not even really knowing why. I can go on vacations by myself and enjoy 80% of it but when I see something cool I wish there was someone to show it to.
I think when people say "learn to be happy by yourself", I think what they really mean is:
-distract yourself until someone comes along
-go with the flow and accept whatever comes your way even if it means you have to sit through empty and dark silence for a while and feel bored, which goes back to distracting yourself
It's ultimately up to YOU to find your own happiness. Me personally, longing for companionship to the point of letting it affect my mood is pointless, so I became apathetic to the whole thing. I refuse to let something that trivial affect my happiness. But that's just me and how I see it. A person can't control whether they have chemistry and compatibility with another person. It's best to forget about it. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't oh well.
All of those concepts are vague because they are only there to help guide you. They help you make a list, so to speak. Inner peace and happiness is a life journey. No one can take it for you.
I spent many years living alone, you have to be happy with your own company, if your always going to be pining for company then you'll be permanently miserable.
I believe that most people -- even those who are very comfortable in their own skin and not searching for some idyllic sanctuary -- still experience those occasional periods of loneliness in their lives. The ebb and flow of a relationship and day-to-day living will typically incorporate a variety of highs and lows.
Going through the motions and settling for whatever passable options come your way strikes me as being something that a person does when they are in a really bad state, and you do not fit neatly into that category. I would not be surprised if what I have mentioned is deemed to be what you have described as "very feel-good fufu" commentary.
Many people can vacation alone and enjoy themselves. However, being in a relationship is what most desire and for that to be rewarding enough to substantially minimize or preferably eliminate the "empty void" in your life requires that you place the highest emphasis on what traits and values are most meaningful and then try to ensure that any future partner possesses them.
Stop thinking about people who are not good for you and also do not reconnect with exes ... after all, did they not earn the title of an ex for a bonafide reason? You stated that you are happy with yourself, but searching for more on other fronts. You appear to be a woman for whom being with that really special person means more than you may care to acknowledge. Focus in on exactly what makes you feel appreciated and valued.
Do not settle for leftovers ... I feel you deserve much more than that.
lonliness is a state of mind and if one is truly happy being alone this state of mind does not exist.
lonliness is something I have never suffered from or will ever suffer from.
I think it helps that I grew up as an only child in a rural area, with no other kids around. My private school was 30 minutes away, so I didn't know kids locally except my cousins. And I was a social outcast for much of my youth. That means I got used to being alone. As an adult, I've made a lot of friends though, and I think part of the reason is that I have a high tolerance for others' awkwardness.
At 40, I don't have time to be bored though. I love to write fiction and read, work with my dogs, garden, cook, go for runs (working on this) and just ramble around on my own, exploring random spots. I guess I'm happy because I'm always occupied. I haven't had a committed relationship in a few years, and I'm absolutely uninterested in one. My emotional fulfillment comes from my friends and relatives - I've been very lucky to meet some wonderful people, and my family is a lot of fun too.
Every once in a while (like a couple times a year), I get together with a guy I know who's like-minded about relationships. We have some fun (sex, conversation and food) and go our separate ways. But I can live without him if I have to, even if I'd miss the giddy excitement of our times together. While I genuinely like and care for him as a person and find him very attractive, he's not crucial to my happiness.
Mostly, these days, I just feel grateful and joyful. I cherish my own freedom. But it's a lot of work, this business of being happy on your own. Mindset is crucial. And yeah, loving yourself is important. Forgive your own mistakes and learn from them. Appreciate and cultivate your strengths. In any interaction with another person, lead with kindness and compassion, but don't become a doormat.
I think it makes a difference whether you're naturally an introvert or an extravert. I'm an introvert, and part of that is craving time alone and getting my energy from alone time and getting drained by time spent with others. If you are naturally an extravert, you're always just going to have more of a need for contact with others than someone like me has.
When I was in my 20s, I spent a lot of time single. During that time, I used to feel soooo needy for a relationship, but at the same time, I knew that I was still better off alone than in a bad relationship. My brain knew that, but my heart was in need. I wished so much to be "coupled." Then from age 29 I was in a long term committed relationship. There were a lot of positives, but also a lot of negatives. For most of the time the positives outweighed the negatives, and I could tolerate the negatives as long as I was getting enough time alone. But my partner was very needy of time and attention, and as time went on, instead of him settling down and just understanding my need for time to myself, he demanded more and more. So he got more and more needy, and I backed away more and more.
Now I'm in my 40s, and in the past couple years, I've been single, and I'm grateful every day that I'm single. That's not an exaggeration: I'm actually grateful every day. I have my own house, with my own stuff where I want it to be. If it's clean, that's because I wanted it clean, and if it's messy, it's because I made the mess. I can go out when I want or stay home in my pajamas when I want. I can lie around all day on a Saturday reading a book without someone jumping around me like a puppy "let's go out! let's go out!" I can pay attention to my own thoughts and not have someone asking why I'm being quiet. I can pursue my own solitary hobbies and totally lose track of time, because there's no one requiring my time. On holidays I go see my family, and don't have to spend hours in a car going to my partner's relatives' homes. All of those demands and obligations are gone.
Of course, relationships are not all demands and obligations, but all relationships have at least some. They have benefits too, but at this time in my life, the benefits of being in a relationship don't in any way equal or outweigh the negatives. If I ever should feel "lonely" in the future, I'll just remind myself of my long list of things I don't have to deal with, being single.
I think it makes a difference whether you're naturally an introvert or an extravert. I'm an introvert, and part of that is craving time alone and getting my energy from alone time and getting drained by time spent with others. If you are naturally an extravert, you're always just going to have more of a need for contact with others than someone like me has.
When I was in my 20s, I spent a lot of time single. During that time, I used to feel soooo needy for a relationship, but at the same time, I knew that I was still better off alone than in a bad relationship. My brain knew that, but my heart was in need. I wished so much to be "coupled." Then from age 29 I was in a long term committed relationship. There were a lot of positives, but also a lot of negatives. For most of the time the positives outweighed the negatives, and I could tolerate the negatives as long as I was getting enough time alone. But my partner was very needy of time and attention, and as time went on, instead of him settling down and just understanding my need for time to myself, he demanded more and more. So he got more and more needy, and I backed away more and more.
Now I'm in my 40s, and in the past couple years, I've been single, and I'm grateful every day that I'm single. That's not an exaggeration: I'm actually grateful every day. I have my own house, with my own stuff where I want it to be. If it's clean, that's because I wanted it clean, and if it's messy, it's because I made the mess. I can go out when I want or stay home in my pajamas when I want. I can lie around all day on a Saturday reading a book without someone jumping around me like a puppy "let's go out! let's go out!" I can pay attention to my own thoughts and not have someone asking why I'm being quiet. I can pursue my own solitary hobbies and totally lose track of time, because there's no one requiring my time. On holidays I go see my family, and don't have to spend hours in a car going to my partner's relatives' homes. All of those demands and obligations are gone.
Of course, relationships are not all demands and obligations, but all relationships have at least some. They have benefits too, but at this time in my life, the benefits of being in a relationship don't in any way equal or outweigh the negatives. If I ever should feel "lonely" in the future, I'll just remind myself of my long list of things I don't have to deal with, being single.
Ohhh yeah... your partner's family and parents. I completely forgot about that. I haven't been in a serious relationship in 5 years so I forgot about that part. That was my least favorite thing about being with the person haha. I think I'm just telling myself I'm done with messing around and want something a little more serious.
even if it means you have to sit through empty and dark silence for a while and feel bored, which goes back to distracting yourself
I also think that this means you are not an introvert like I am. I never feel bored. Actually, I do sometimes, but I only get bored when I'm in a situation that's "mandatory" that I can't get out of. Like a staff meeting or training seminar, when I feel like I have more important things to attend to.
When alone, I always have numerous things to focus on. I LOVE silence. I don't even have a concept of "distracting myself" because to me, it's more like "Oh good! Thanks God I now have time to myself to focus on all these things I'm interested in."
Please be as specific as possible. I Googled "how to be happy alone" and I got a ton of very vague "tips". Things like "exercising", "practice self love", "find your passion", etc. I noticed a lot of people on here say very feel-good fufu things that doesn't really have a ton of meaning behind what they say. They're cliches and anyone can say them. I hope someone can really answer this question or at least think it through with me on an honest level.
I like who I am as a person. I'm funny, I'm sweet, I care about people, I'm smart, and attractive. I love what I do, how I look, and who I am, even the ugly parts. I work out 6 days a week and I work hard at whatever I do. I'm a great friend and I've been a great girlfriend. I feel pretty lucky as I feel I have it all. I have overcome many obstacles and I know I'm a strong person, physically and emotionally. I would say I'm pretty happy with myself.
But I still wake up with that empty void like something is missing in my life. I still feel needy from time to time. I think of people who aren't good for me and contact exes. I put up with bad behavior sometimes not even really knowing why. I can go on vacations by myself and enjoy 80% of it but when I see something cool I wish there was someone to show it to.
I think when people say "learn to be happy by yourself", I think what they really mean is:
-distract yourself until someone comes along
-go with the flow and accept whatever comes your way even if it means you have to sit through empty and dark silence for a while and feel bored, which goes back to distracting yourself
Anyone have any real insights to this?
Everyone - everyone in the world - needs a partner in life.
Spouse; boyfriend; girlfriend; best friend, parent; sibling; offspring;........I have seen partnerships of all sorts and every one of them is better than life on an island by yourself.
But you're learning this, so I'm preaching to the choir.
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