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I was raised to never think of myself when deciding to help others. That might not sound like a personality flaw but it is. You can't give away the food your family needs, the clothes off your child's back, etc. if you can't afford to do it. You can't take in another family if it means there's not enough space for anyone. You can't volunteer huge amounts of your time just because someone else is too lazy to do something for themselves, or unwilling to pay for it (like babysitting).
I had to learn how to value my needs and my time and to think it over before instantly offering to help someone. It was a long process that led to countless arguments between my husband and myself. And it also led to thinking about why I was raised that way when the person who raised me was very selfish herself, which led to me realizing how much my mother takes advantage of me. So I've learned to be more selfish and it's actually not a personality flaw for me
In a bunch of these threads, we talk about annoying, unhealthy, or "toxic" personality traits that other people exhibit. We often talk here about confronting someone about their negative trait/habit, making them aware of it so that they might change it. But I know we aren't all perfect.
Were you ever struck by a negative personality trait YOU had? Did someone have to tell you about it, or did you discover it yourself by looking at the evidence in your life? Did you successfully get rid of it? How?
Maybe in their thread we can show those other people how it's done!
Here is one of mine:
In my 20s, when working in my first mental health jobs, I was a "stress-b*tch." I wanted so much to prove myself, that I worked harder than everyone else, worked late when I didn't have to, worked through lunches, took on a lot of stuff that others had slacked on, and really became a "workaholic." The workaholic piece isn't necessarily a negative character trait, but what I did was I made it too visible and obvious. Not only was I working super-hard, I wanted everyone around me to KNOW I was working super-hard. I think I started this a little back in high school on the track team. I knew I would never be the fastest runner, so I became a long distance runner. I knew I wouldn't be the best distance runner, but I could be the hardest working distance runner. I ran, and ran, and ran more than everyone else. Before practice, during practice, late at night after my homework, on weekends. Even when I didn't get first place in a race, people would at least say things about how I worked harder than anyone else. I remember that feeling really good, so I applied it to my early professional life. I couldn't be the best mental health counselor, but I'd sure as heck be the hardest working one. And people had better notice.
I would get visibly ticked off if a co-worker called out sick ("must be nice to be able to relax all day and leave all the work for the rest of us"). I was rarely sick, but if I was sick, I would still come to work and make sure people KNEW the sacrifice I made, coming to work sick. ("I can throw up in the ladies' room, brush my teeth, and get right back to work! Why can't others do that? But oh no, they call out if they have a sniffle! Boo-hoo.") I would always have a stressed-out expression on my face (with co-workers and supervisors, not when clients were around). I think I figured that being so stressed-out meant that I obviously cared more about the work than anyone else did--or they'd be stressed out too. If they weren't, then they were slackers. I never took days off--I donated my vacation days to another employee who had cancer. But I felt like I had to make sure my co-workers knew that--I didn't do it for the cancer lady, I did it for our department--I wouldn't be taking vacation days off and letting my co-workers down, like they seemed to always be doing whenever they took days off. A new client would come to our program with a diagnosis that was less common, I would read 5 books on the subject and recommend them to my team who didn't seem so interested. I became the "expert" on psych meds in my dept, knowing which neurotransmitters each medication affected, etc. I'd get annoyed when someone else would ask "Is Zoloft an SSRI?" and roll my eyes at someone else, thinking "duh."
I wanted supervisory people to recognize how hard I worked, and how I picked up everyone else's slack. They would make some positive comments, but when a new more challenging task would come up, they would give it to one of those "lazy" non-stressed people who didn't memorize the DSM or all the categories of psych meds. Going for some enhanced training to run a special therapy group. Learning to do intake assessments and taking over that duty. I watched other co-workers get those plumb assignments, when I was totally capable, and would happily work 12 hours just to get that plus all my other work done.
It's not that I didn't get along with my co-workers. Since we were all in our 20s, we became friends outside of work too. They definitely liked me, but I think they liked me better on weekends and at happy hour than they did in the office. (Most of us are still friendly today, and they sometimes comment about how calm I now am.)
I think I gradually became aware of this problem in a few ways: I had a lot of trouble with sleep, for one thing. I also figured out that the supervisors were assigning those higher-level tasks to the people who appeared calm and collected. In my mind I still saw them and kind of lazy, but I figured out that even though I knew I was working harder than the others, I had to appear calm and collected, and not like I was complaining about it. In fact, I cut down complaining at work drastically. Complaining about the stress and the deadlines was pointless. Instead I kept doing a lot, but I didn't talk about it, I didn't sigh loudly or have an anxious look on my face. And wow, I started getting lots of positive feedback on how much I do for the department! All I had to do was stop b*tching and suddenly everyone noticed how much I did. I had thought that the b*tching and appearing stressed was my only way to draw attention to how much I was accomplishing. I started getting promotions, etc. I started sleeping every night, because sleeping 7 hours didn't mean I was a slacker.
I still feel like I do more work than a lot of other people, but now, people recognize it. They also comment about how I'm level-headed and calm, something I always wanted to be. It started off as an "act" I guess, acting calm when I really wasn't. But over time, I've truly become a very calm level-headed person. People at work come to me with problems/challenges because they know I'll come up with a well-thought-out plan based on the facts. I don't decide things based on anger or anxiety. I also learned that there is not a direct correlation between looking stressed out and how much you care about your work.
So what negative personality trait have you overcome? How do you do it? How did you become aware of it being a problem?
As humans, we all have many flaws, and I'm sure that most of us spend our whole lives working on them. After all, we are not going to attain to perfection in this life. That said, I had an experience when I was eleven that I know I'll never forget.
I told a lie to my great-grandmother, and she called me on it, and the look of disappointment on her face still haunts me, half a century later. She was, perhaps, my greatest teacher in life, and as a child, I looked at her as sort of like God with skin on. I knew it was wrong to lie, of course, but until that moment I never realized the magnitude of the sin, nor the social ramifications of betraying someone's trust.
As I'm sure you might guess, truth became a cornerstone of my life that day, and I always strive to live in it.
Wow, I'm surprised at how few responses my post has received. We like to post a lot in here about other people's personality flaws, but hesitate to admit to our own? Even in an anonymous place? Even in the context of telling how we DON'T have that trait anymore?
Agreed. I have noticed this especially in the relationships forum. People love to bash their exes or current significant others, saying they do this or that wrong, yet won't take any of the blame for relationship problems themselves. As for my major personality flaw, it is selfishness. Yes, I will admit that I am a selfish person. In my defense, and I have a legitimate one, I had an atrocious childhood, with an abusive neglectful mom (who's now deceased) a flaky dad who was mostly gone, no extended family (because my mother sued her mother for faked child abuse just to get money and alienated the whole family), and few friends. However, that doesn't excuse this personality trait, because everyone is responsible for their own behaviors, and that includes me. I have consciously worked on improving this and it has gotten a lot better with time. I will continue to work on it.
I never realized how many negative words I used daily in my conversations. When practicing listening to self-talk I began to hear how negative the flow of my words could sound and to think about how that may be influencing my state of mind.
For example the word, "hate." That's a strong word to use for a simple dislike. Using it was negative, and somewhat dramatic, habit.
How many things did I actually hate? Not that many. Mostly I "preferred not to" or "didn't care for."
This exercise helped me to gentle my speech and I think my attitude as well.
And a comment on bad habits - For me I have learned that, no matter how much I dislike a certain behavior, I am repeating it because there is a) some hidden benefit I think I am getting by doing so.
Once I can b) get honest with myself about my motive, c) examine it to see if there is truth or worth to that and d) figure out if there is a more healthy way to accomplish the same goal then I find it much more easy to release a bad habit.
Well I got over shyness in professional settings. If I am handling something business oriented, it's no problem at all. I used to be shy all around where any kind of interaction was challenging. I have gotten better there.
Otherwise, other flaws I have, I still have them lol
I am shy in any kind of off-business social interactions, not counting family.
I used to be an angry person who was told by my best friend that I had an "attitude". As I matured, I realized this stemmed from me being possessive, jealous, controlling, and insecure. Those qualities have lessened, once I finally embraced the idea that I can only control myself and not those around me. Plus, learning a motto my favorite aunt used to say "We know this is your world, but other people live in it too." Knowing that things cannot go always go my way, because I'm just one in 7 billion. That I'm not the center of the universe, and there's no need to be upset when things/people/situation/consequences don't go as I expected.
Mmmmm...mine is being too indecisive. I hate that about myself. I admire people that can make a decision and stick with it. I also have a tendency to be overly positive about people and their intentions. I think everyone is like me..honest and well intentioned for the most part.
I have not overcome these things, but I am becoming more aware. It's probably just part of my personality (ENFP) LOL
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