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Keep an eye on what exactly? You're right; your description of the situation sounds lame and feeble to me. On what planet does a person diagnose kindness, gratitude, and generosity as a personality disorder? He's up to date on his rent, he hasn't made a pass at you, he's been your friend for 40 years, he's financially stable, you have wonderful conversations and a good time together, and he remodeled your bathroom without asking for anything in return. Am I missing anything? With friends like these. . .
You make some very valid points. Thanks for your opinion!
I didn't want to go into minute details in my first post ... but here are the warning flags:
I suggested that I detected a kind of "neediness" on his part. He is trying so hard to be liked. I've known Mark since we were both teenagers and since he arrived to Philly I can not help but note that he has been laying on the charm in buckets. He has an agreeable personality naturally, but his friendliness seems to be in overdrive. It's as if he has a hidden agenda ... I cannot help but think he his trying to be manipulative or coercive with his extreme generosity.
Professor Robert and I were chatting last night ... both Robert and Handyman Rod were the ones that asked me to agree to letting Mark move in. Now even Robert has questions: why is he feuding with his brothers? How come his Florida friends have become cooler towards him?
Perhaps the bottom line is that for a 60 year old man Mark has a degree of immaturity ... he is impulsive.
Intuitively I detect something is not quite right ... there is some kind of agenda or dynamic going on.
OP, feel free to come back periodically to give us updates. Your house sounds cool, actually, and kinda fun. Oh, but it's way over in Philly. Oh well. I was thinking of dropping in. I'll let you know if I'm ever planning a visit to the area. Not likely, though.
The house was built in 1895 and it is in the French Second Empire style, which means it has a sloping Mansard roof with projecting windows. This was a Victorian style that was popular in the late 1860's and 1870's ... which speaks volumes about how conservative Philadelphia home builders were. It is a semi-detached townhouse that looks deceptively small from the street, but in fact has 6 bedrooms and three bathrooms.
I bought the house because it had almost all the original Victorian features - leaded stained glass windows, pocket doors, high ceilings, 3 fireplaces (two real, one "ornamental"), even back servant's staircase. There are "victorians" and then there are "Victorians" with a capital "V" - which is mine. Handyman Rod has helped me decorate the place in a rather opulent and ornate manner. There are oriental rugs, oil paintings in heavy gilt frames, crystal chandeliers and marble topped console tables. Not the typical home of a "kampus kop."
It is the male version of The Golden Girls. Besides housemates we are also good friends. There is NEVER any friction, arguments, or problems. Professor Robert has been here the longest, 11 1/2 years ... his degree was from Harvard and he teaches at Drexel University, just a mile from here. I like my living situation and am very comfortable how things are, which may be the reason I'm feeling a little anxious about someone else moving in.
You've known him since high school so you should know who he is better then anyone. I personally don't see a personality disorder. I see a lonely man with no family that has created one of his own. Does that make him needy? Honestly I don't think so.
I can totally relate. I have no family and my friends are very important to me. One of my besties moved into a new house with an awful living room. My house warming gift to her was a complete living room make over. It took me nearly a week of hard work with all of the plaster repair that was needed. Does that make me needy? The only difference between your friend and I is that I don't live with her and her husband.
Some people are just generous by nature and that's what I'm seeing in your friend. He may appreciate the family he's created for himself more then you know. You as one of his oldest and dearest friends are probably deeply treasured. Why wouldn't he be generous with you? It seems like everyone is happy and getting along so why manufacture a problem until one really exists?
Keep an eye on what exactly? You're right; your description of the situation sounds lame and feeble to me. On what planet does a person diagnose kindness, gratitude, and generosity as a personality disorder? He's up to date on his rent, he hasn't made a pass at you, he's been your friend for 40 years, he's financially stable, you have wonderful conversations and a good time together, and he remodeled your bathroom without asking for anything in return. Am I missing anything? With friends like these. . .
This is exactly what I was thinking.
How on earth do his actions add up to a mental disorder??? Sounds like a lonely guy who wants to be by friends and is generous with his money. He's grateful you let him live there so decided to give you a big gift.
It's amazing how kindness equates to mentally ill to some people.
Plus, I have known two people in my life with diagnosed BPD. This seems NOTHING like those people. Not even 1 iota close.
The house was built in 1895 and it is in the French Second Empire style, which means it has a sloping Mansard roof with projecting windows. This was a Victorian style that was popular in the late 1860's and 1870's ... which speaks volumes about how conservative Philadelphia home builders were. It is a semi-detached townhouse that looks deceptively small from the street, but in fact has 6 bedrooms and three bathrooms.
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Oh, thank you for this! There's a house like that in my town, and it sticks out like a sore thumb! It looks like an odd hybrid; we couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be--looked kind of like a schizoid French Victorian. But now I know! It was actually a style in its day. Your whole house sounds wonderful. Your friends sound great, too. Congratulations on creating such a stimulating and hospitable environment for yourself and your friends.
I'm not a psychiatrist but I have lots of experience with mental illness. Two things that you mentioned caught my eye. A person being overly generous and or just spending lots of money and impulsive decision making can both be signs of Bipolar 2 disorder. Many people are not diagnosed until late in life such as myself.
I wouldn't label him with a personality disorder because he probably doesn't have one but we are all quirky in our own way. Everybody has an agenda. Even if that agenda is to be a 'good person', one might question motive.
Normally we don't run around being suspicious of others motive/agenda unless something seems 'off'. Then we feel like something is wrong. We can't put our finger on it but we know that something is up.
This is intuitive, but also based on things that don't add up. If you feel something is 'wrong' then you are probably right.
I had a similar situation, it was similar enough. It was weird, so I never did get it. I knew there was an agenda but it didn't make sense to me why someone would be like that. This person was 'like that' and she did do weird controlling things. It never did make sense but the situation escalated so that little things, became big things and were very obvious to myself and others. I still couldn't say what the motive was, but there was one. The red flags were there since day one but the motive was odd. I still don't get it. Fortunately I wasn't alone in observing how things progressed so I had another mind and set of eyes to help confirm that something was way off base. That situation didn't end well, but I did put a stop to it.
I am not saying that your situation is the same at all. People can be very strange and if you have a 'funny feeling' then usually there is a reason for it. You can have talks and agreements all day long but it isn't about what someone says, it is about what they do. He might be perfectly innocent and just a little odd, but watch the boundaries.
I wouldn't label him with a personality disorder because he probably doesn't have one but we are all quirky in our own way. Everybody has an agenda. Even if that agenda is to be a 'good person', one might question motive.
Normally we don't run around being suspicious of others motive/agenda unless something seems 'off'. Then we feel like something is wrong. We can't put our finger on it but we know that something is up.
This is intuitive, but also based on things that don't add up. If you feel something is 'wrong' then you are probably right.
I am not saying that your situation is the same at all. People can be very strange and if you have a 'funny feeling' then usually there is a reason for it. You can have talks and agreements all day long but it isn't about what someone says, it is about what they do. He might be perfectly innocent and just a little odd, but watch the boundaries.
Veronicka, your comments were not only insightful ... but extraordinary.
I am astonished that you - and others - have posted comments here that communicate a real understanding of the dynamic that is going on and why I have these strange feelings about a friend of more than 40 years duration.
So after reading and re-reading this thread I am making some conclusions: 1. I was a bit too harsh by branding Mark as having a "personality disorder." 2. I still stand by my intuitive feeling that he is in some ways "needy" and seeks the approval and affirmation of others - hence his overly generous largesse and going overboard with the charm. 3. Because of the estrangement with his siblings and their families and the cooling relationships of his few friends in Florida, he was put into a mini-crisis: now retired and with almost no support system he turned to me, his oldest friend from from High School days. After visiting my home and meeting my housemates, neighbors and friends he became enthralled with my living situation and enlisted my housemates to advocate for his moving in. 4. Yes, he was until now lonely. 5. I have to be mindful of some kind of "hidden agenda" on his part. He does like to take charge; but the bottom line is that it is my home and I am the landlord.
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He's up to date on his rent, he hasn't made a pass at you, he's been your friend for 40 years, he's financially stable, you have wonderful conversations and a good time together, and he remodeled your bathroom without asking for anything in return. Am I missing anything? With friends like these. . .
I'll let you know if I'm ever planning a visit to the area. Not likely, though.
