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-"I need to feel like a person.", In your words what is a person?
-"Without affirmation, I get really depressed." You use affirmation to fight your depression, have you tried other ways to fight your depression?
-"audience, because I want to prove to myself that I communicate well". So you are using other people. You need their approval because your approval isn't worth anything. So to validate your existence you use them. In turn, you conform yourself to meet their approval. You are giving them power over you, you are letting them walk all over you.
-"Appreciate my communication as art." So you want to be an artist. You have said everything from literature to acting. I feel you are being way to broad in your selection, it is like you are trying to paint with a saxophone.
-"I want to counter these "voices" in my mind that keep telling me, "well, you can't really do anything, and you aren't anyone of importance." Their are three types of conflicts as you know, man vs man, man vs nature, and man vs himself. I feel you might have issues with the other two but your main one is man vs himself.
-"People with a little bit of power and influence can walk all over you like they did in school. Nothing has really changed." Yes but you are broad casting that signal that you want them to mold you. Further more, you don't have any boundaries, letting them come and go freely. I feel you need to start building a wall and a gate.
"Hey you, hey you, finally you get it
The world ain't fair, eat you if you let it". - Korn
-"I don't know if CDF is a demonstration of me trying to meet that need, but staying in college probably is, and so was becoming a teacher." First, did you pay for college, or have student debt? Using CDF for quick, easy answers is lazy. Screwing around in college is lazy. Working hard in college and becoming a teacher isn't lazy, it is hard. Please segregate hard accomplishments from uncertainty and procrastination. Further more, take a look at your replies, I hate to be mean but most are negative. If you were looking for approval, you would have stopped by now. I think you still feel unhappy with yourself and want 'molding answers'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I chase after the good grade, the interesting paper, the well-thought-out argument, or just the most advanced credential. As a teacher, I thought I would "wow" my students with cool lessons and learn how to put on an educational "show." Well, looking back, I'm wondering what led me to believe that. Teaching and acting are two very different things. In college, though, they seemed similar.
-The first part is normal, nothing wrong with that statement, over achiever isn't a bad thing, it means you have drive. If you forgo your drive, that can lead to depression. The origins for the word emotions is drive or movement. With out emotions we would have no drive.
-What? I don't understand the last part. I do except that you know more than me because you are teaching in that field, but I have 16 years of schooling that says other wise. Like I said earlier, I had an English teacher that would act out Greek mythology with her students and you could always be an acting teacher. I feel something has went wrong between college and now to separate you from this dream.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
It is true that I'm an insanely creative outside-of-the-box thinker, but that's not always a good thing.
That is absurd. I won't do it because it will take up nine pages but many famous artist needed this. I can understand in the teaching, Dead Poets Society.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I break social conventions and participate in potentially "rude" behavior before I even consider the ramifications. I want to win the trophy, the gold metal, get the A in life, but I don't know many of the rules. These are little things that a "normal" person would probably take for granted, and I can't really point them out. Sometimes it seems like the only way I know these "rules" exist is when I break one!
-I'm sorry if I seem rude, but you are way off here. This is true for everyone. If you speak to an honest older person, you will find out they are still learning the rules, that is if they still care to follow them.
-We see this many times with experienced comedians, they have bad or too offensive joke. Experienced directors or actors make or appear a bad movie; Adam Sandler, Edy Murphy just to name a few.
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." - George Carlin
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." – Mark Twain
"A ship is always safe at the shore—but that is not what it is built for." – Albert Einstein
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
It's a silent humiliation that I cope with the best I can.
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing". – Helen Keller
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I can't find people willing to give me what I think I need
1. I have troubles with this. From what I gather it is, "I need to feel like a person." and "I need reaffirmation". So you can't find people that make you feel valued(feel like a person) and you can't find people that value your work(I need reaffirmation).
2. "I think I need", you have no self worth. Their for you place no value on what you think you need. This won't matter if it comes out of your puppet's mouth or yours, it isn't what you want to hear. Therefore you won't except it. This sentence make me think you are self destructive. You are having a man vs himself conflict, not a man vs man conflict.
So if you want an audience, enjoy communicating online, and have issues with face-to-face contact, how about starting your own YouTube channel?
The problem is she can't communicate well at all, which is why she is struggling with teaching. These again are daydreams, OP wanting/wishing she were a different type person. I think at some point people need to accept their limitations, even while striving to improve them. It doesn't make OP a lesser person because she has a communication disorder, but refusing to get help for it, real, professional help, is keeping her stuck in a dead end worrying about being homeless and unable to advance or even succeed in her chosen career. OP is also well over $100,000 in student debt, currently in deferment. I mention this because the last thing OP needs is to devote her time to yet another fantasy. KMB, you already know what I think of the math class, I think it's a huge waste of time and money and won't even remotely improve your station in life.
I just NEED an audience. I need reaffirmation. I need people to tell me I can do X, Y, or Z well. I feel like I need an audience, because I want to prove to myself that I communicate well and even have people appreciate my communication as art.
-I feel over achieving is common among people with disabilities. We feel we are not up to par on a subject and try overcome that hurdle.
-I feel I did this with my job. I always had issues getting and maintaining a job. So I worked 70-80 hours a week for along time. I needed affirmation from my boss to prove I had self worth. This stemmed from people and my family telling me I was worthless and lazy for having these issues. That was the cause, the problem is the effect it had. He expected me working these hours all the time, gave me his work and my coworkers task, and refused to give me any vacation time. This was all my fault as I didn't draw boundary lines.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
Without affirmation, I get really depressed.
Depression is very common among autistics. For me I need affirmation that I'm not going crazy, as many N/T's and people who want to take advantage or walk all over me would suggest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I want to counter these "voices" in my mind that keep telling me, "well, you can't really do anything, and you aren't anyone of importance.
I literally have those too. It is embarrassing as many mental filter is broken, so I will tell them to shut up out loud. People look at me like I am crazy, but to be fair... Any who, where did this start for you? For me, it was my family and people who wanted to take advantage of me. This started very young, so it drilled deep into my head; that is why it is so hard to remove. If we want to remove it, we have to start deep in our heads to get it all out. Easier said than done though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I don't know if CDF is a demonstration of me trying to meet that need.
I feel it is a crutch, I don't know if you have OCD but I do. Please get and read Brian Lock if you haven't. It will show you the minds subconscious way of using crutches to meet its needs, not yours. I have used many myself. I recently sobered up as alcohol and/or drugs are a very common one for autistics. I still use humor a little too heavy though. That would explain to you why my post are chalked full of cartoon stupid clips.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
but staying in college probably is, and so was becoming a teacher.
I don't find these things to be a bad crutch. You worked hard to get them, they still mean something. I have an associates degree that is worthless, I was forced into going. I was lazy and fearful, but it was not what I viewed as a crutch.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I chase after the well-thought-out argument, or just the most advanced credential.
If you went to an autistic meeting you would see this going on all around you. We pride our selves on being logical and having a well-thought-out argument. I personally feel like there was a large peeing contest when I first arrived as to who had the most credentials. We pride our selves on knowledge, and one way of showing this is having a high credentials or a high IQ. This is why many people on Wrong Planet state their credentials and IQ levels. To be honest I feel very inadequate in this department when I am around other autistics. It also doesn't help when everyone advertises autistics as very smart and having high level jobs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
As a teacher, I thought I would "wow" my students with cool lessons and learn how to put on an educational "show." Well, looking back, I'm wondering what led me to believe that.
IMO, you hated school and wanted to go back and make it a better place. The real question that will dissolve this answer is did you want to go back and make it better for you or the children. I don't mean an offence, but you did say earlier that it was all about the kids and you said you had to learn this. I feel you need to be honest with yourself. If you don't like kids I feel it would be best for you get out of the teaching field, that is unless you think you could be a professor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I've gotten better about that, though, but I think my behavior fluctuates, from reckless risk-taker to overly-cautious antrhophobe. I feel like I'm a little, or maybe a lot, behind on my development.
-I, and many other autistics I know, even females, have noticed this. We believe it is a bit of two things. Like we said before, we over achieve to show that we can be successful. This would get you your incline and peak(0* TO 90*). Along the way we ignore our emotions to achieve higher goals. Most, to all, autistics suffer from sensory overload and stress control. When you get to the apex(axes of symmetry or 90* in the picture) of the parabola of success, our damn that we use to hold back our emotions and stress breaks. This floods us and we can't handle it. That starts your down hill progression. The lack of success makes you even more depressed(This takes you from 90* to 270* in the picture.) Then we get ourselves together and rebuild the damn when the emotion and stress level are at a low point(270* to 360* in the picture), starting the self destructive cycle all over again. http://www.electroniq.net/files/begi...-wave-form.jpg
-Many idiots out there often call us Bipolar because of this, but they are completely stupid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
There are still things I could learn from elementary school teachers (things the students would be learning, not necessarily teaching advice.) It's a silent humiliation that I cope with the best I can.
-1. I know older, wiser people that read children's books, Dr. Seuss, etc.. They need to remind themselves of some of the simplest teachings.
-2. Why do we constantly have wars when veterans know it is the worst thing ever? It is because we as a humanity forgets.
-3. Why do we need to reinvent things? The printing press and the steam engines where very important devices that revolutionized our world. The sad thing is they were invented centuries or millennia before they where reinvented. The fact is we forgot we had them.
-You are either getting at the fact that you have bad memory. Or that you are behind on your skills, which is just funny because there is many people that don't know what they are doing and fake it through out the day. I have seen this many time as I was in the mechanical field, not all mechanics know what they are doing, I feel you should know this already do to your car troubles. Either way you are just fine, you are just following the ways of the world.
-By the way, a good teacher is a learns everyday, so technically.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I don't think it's Christians who make it a bad place. Real Christians are great people; it's the people who pretend to be Christians who make things so bad.
100% agree but I also think the 'real Christians' rare. I use the phrase 'fake people" to help encompass all people. I recently went around America looking for a 'good liberal place' for autistics. You have to be careful when looking for these 'good liberal places' as they are chalked full of 'fake people'. They broadcast one thing and when you get there, and it ends up being another. I found this very common in good weather, utopia places. If you do decide to move, be wary of utopias. Also, if you get too many 'fake people', your since of community breaks down.
This city desert makes you feel so cold
It's got so many people, but it's got no soul
And it's taken you so long
To find out you were wrong
When you thought it held everything - Gerry Rafferty
In conclusion, would suggest seeing a therapist, although I believe there are many bad ones out there. In my opinion a good therapist is four things, a good listener, a mirror, a solvent, and a supporter. They listen(listener), brake down(solvent), reflect your words(mirror), and support you as you try to change your life and/or behavior(supporter).
Okay, I assume you all know why you're here. (ducks as chair thrown at him) That's right, you're all angry, sick people. But, over these next eight hours, you will be broken down to the level of infants, then rebuilt as functional members of society, then broken down again, then lunch, then, if there's time, rebuilt once more. - Chief Wiggum in Screaming Yellow Honkers Episode.
Nothere1, thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, I'm a lot like that. In fact my inner voices are sometimes so loud that I can't concentrate much on the outside world. I do have to talk to them to keep them in check. It's become a semi-destructive habit, and I guess people who don't know me might think I'm crazy if they see me doing it.
Because, I literally don't know where to look. I guess to people on the outside of this that doesn't make any sense. I realize people have posted links to supposed help, but I know what I'm going to hear. It seems like people here are mainly interested in money; no one really seems dedicated to helping you out, or maybe, as someone recently pointed out to me, I'm going about it the wrong way. I'm not "asking" for help, so maybe I'm not getting it. I guess I don't know how to ask the right way, though, and it's just frustrating. I do sometimes get really depressed and don't see a way out, so I just continue with the status quo even though I'm miserable. It's like I just stop seeing ways out. I feel like I know what would happen if I tried again; I would out even more money and no closer to finding a good solution.
Of COURSE they are interested in money - mental health services are their JOB. They need to put food on the table. You're not going to find someone willing to provide the intense level of therapy that you need for free. The fact that they are doing it for money does not invalidate their skills or knowledge or the advice they give you. If you think the therapy isn't helping, you are free to stop it at any time.
But here's the thing - you have been unhappy for a LONG time on these boards. And you keep addressing things in very much the same manner and not really getting much in the way of results. That's the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
If you don't take some steps and trust a professional who specializes in your disorder, you are going to be just as miserable in a few years. So what exactly do you risk beyond money and time by actually getting yourself a therapist?
Of COURSE they are interested in money - mental health services are their JOB. They need to put food on the table. You're not going to find someone willing to provide the intense level of therapy that you need for free. The fact that they are doing it for money does not invalidate their skills or knowledge or the advice they give you. If you think the therapy isn't helping, you are free to stop it at any time.
But here's the thing - you have been unhappy for a LONG time on these boards. And you keep addressing things in very much the same manner and not really getting much in the way of results. That's the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
If you don't take some steps and trust a professional who specializes in your disorder, you are going to be just as miserable in a few years. So what exactly do you risk beyond money and time by actually getting yourself a therapist?
I mentioned already that I'm seeing a therapist. It doesn't seem to be helping.
I mentioned already that I'm seeing a therapist. It doesn't seem to be helping.
Because he does not specialize in ASD. You don't need talk therapy, you need specialized help that will look more like life coaching than talking - people trained to work with these disorders will have practical help and advice for you and help you learn to navigate your life, not just understand it, which is what talk therapy is for more or less.
You said previously you are this therapist are focusing on your OCD and not the ASD. What have you told him about how ASD affects you? What is he having you do for your OCD? Does he think the two are related or have you not even brought it up? Again, I think you are not being proactive enough. I recall you wouldn't even tell your therapist in college the real issues you were having or about the ASD.
Because he does not specialize in ASD. You don't need talk therapy, you need specialized help that will look more like life coaching than talking - people trained to work with these disorders will have practical help and advice for you and help you learn to navigate your life, not just understand it, which is what talk therapy is for more or less.
You said previously you are this therapist are focusing on your OCD and not the ASD. What have you told him about how ASD affects you? What is he having you do for your OCD? Does he think the two are related or have you not even brought it up? Again, I think you are not being proactive enough. I recall you wouldn't even tell your therapist in college the real issues you were having or about the ASD.
She knows that I have ASD and does specialize in helping children with ASD. Didn't I mention that already? Still, though, she doesn't seem like she knows what I really want.
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