How to distance yourself from your parents and siblings? For good (no personality, therapy)

[SophieLL]

I have a toxic family, full of problems, and they have a sick dinamic between them. My dad is a denialist of every aspect of his life, and a phony, and a disturbed person. My mom is a follower who would take anything from my dad and do whatever he says, she has no personality. We used to be close, i used to help her a lot, but for a long time now she wont let me, so theres that. My brother is a numb 26 years old, with no self esteem whatsoever, being constantly told he is worthless by my father. He has no life, no work.or prospects, no girlfriend or prospect, is obese and cant express any emotion,mimicking my dads denialism.

My sister is material for a novel, and, like fyodr pavlovich in "brothers karamazov" she drives the plot of this novel and is crazy. I cant really write eveything she is so i will only name the things sshe is so you get an idea: evil, alcoholic, drug addict, a mom of a 3 year old, married to a foreign idiot with money who she hates and treats like dirt, a master nanipulator, a liar, a horrible person, an envious person, vulgar, crass, uncultured, ignorant, loud, bipolar. To name a few.

Im 34, my evil sister is 32,brother 26. Mom and dad in their 60s.

Now, my mom and dad are good persons. Both.of tbem. But they were always AWFUL managing my sister, she toyed and manipulate them all my life. They did what they could. Since i was an A student and functional, they left me alone since i was little. They neglected me. I could never count with them for anything. No emotional support. No love. No closeness. And of course i had to deal with my sister crazyness because "she is sick" and i had to understand. Even when she was physically violent against me since we were little, even hiting me with a hockey stick lefting me in the hospital, not to.mention verbally abusive.

Anyways, i suffered a lot about allthis in my teens, so i proceed to leave my house and my city when i was only 18.

I ve been living in a different city since i was 18 and i never looked back, amd that was amazing for me. Im the person im now thanks to that. If i hadnt left,.ill probably be crazy like my family now.

But i havent cut contact with them, i ve always mantain contact and see them in holidays, birthdays, when.i visit, when they visit, and seeing them always scars me emotionally. Ive tried to overcome this in therapy through the years but its not been easy.


But im tired now. Im a recent mom (my gorgeus boy is 1 month and a half) and have been seeing a lot of my family recently (logically my parents want to see their grandchild) and i just cant take it. Im completely different from them and i feel i dont want ordeserve the **** and crazyness that comes from hanging with them.

How do u distance yourself from your own parents? How do u deny them their grankid and is it fair to deny your kid from their grandparents?

Any experiences with this?

[TabulaRasa]

In order to successfully cut off contact with a toxic family you have years' worth of an enmeshed history with, you need to make sure that your own emotional health is as up to par as it can be, and make sure that you have a sufficient nonfamily support network. Not just a spouse, but a real network. If those things aren't seen to, at a minimum, it is far too easy to fall back into old, destructive behavioral patterns, and you are too vulnerable to being manipulated by the very people with whom you're seeking no further contact.

Whether or not you're making the right choice, in terms of if it's fair to your child, your child's grandparents, etc., is something only you can answer.

For me, I would probably only deny my child all contact with grandparents if I had legitimate concern for my child's safety and wellbeing, i.e. if the grandparents were abusive or neglectful. Not getting along probably wouldn't be sufficient reason, for me. I was very close, myself, to a grandmother who didn't get along with my mother. Our relationship was very enriching, though her relationship with my mom was not.

[chiluvr1228]

Originally Posted by SophieLL

I have a toxic family, full of problems, and they have a sick dinamic between them. My dad is a denialist of every aspect of his life, and a phony, and a disturbed person. My mom is a follower who would take anything from my dad and do whatever he says, she has no personality. We used to be close, i used to help her a lot, but for a long time now she wont let me, so theres that. My brother is a numb 26 years old, with no self esteem whatsoever, being constantly told he is worthless by my father. He has no life, no work.or prospects, no girlfriend or prospect, is obese and cant express any emotion,mimicking my dads denialism.

My sister is material for a novel, and, like fyodr pavlovich in "brothers karamazov" she drives the plot of this novel and is crazy. I cant really write eveything she is so i will only name the things sshe is so you get an idea: evil, alcoholic, drug addict, a mom of a 3 year old, married to a foreign idiot with money who she hates and treats like dirt, a master nanipulator, a liar, a horrible person, an envious person, vulgar, crass, uncultured, ignorant, loud, bipolar. To name a few.

Im 34, my evil sister is 32,brother 26. Mom and dad in their 60s.

Now, my mom and dad are good persons. Both.of tbem. But they were always AWFUL managing my sister, she toyed and manipulate them all my life. They did what they could. Since i was an A student and functional, they left me alone since i was little. They neglected me. I could never count with them for anything. No emotional support. No love. No closeness. And of course i had to deal with my sister crazyness because "she is sick" and i had to understand. Even when she was physically violent against me since we were little, even hiting me with a hockey stick lefting me in the hospital, not to.mention verbally abusive.

Anyways, i suffered a lot about allthis in my teens, so i proceed to leave my house and my city when i was only 18.

I ve been living in a different city since i was 18 and i never looked back, amd that was amazing for me. Im the person im now thanks to that. If i hadnt left,.ill probably be crazy like my family now.

But i havent cut contact with them, i ve always mantain contact and see them in holidays, birthdays, when.i visit, when they visit, and seeing them always scars me emotionally. Ive tried to overcome this in therapy through the years but its not been easy.


But im tired now. Im a recent mom (my gorgeus boy is 1 month and a half) and have been seeing a lot of my family recently (logically my parents want to see their grandchild) and i just cant take it. Im completely different from them and i feel i dont want ordeserve the **** and crazyness that comes from hanging with them.

How do u distance yourself from your own parents? How do u deny them their grankid and is it fair to deny your kid from their grandparents?

Any experiences with this?

Your post seems a little contradictory. Look at what I bolded. In one sentence you claim your parents are good people and in another you say the opposite.


You distance yourself from your family by telling them you think it is best for you and your son to NOT be around toxic people. Unfriend and block all of them on Facebook. Since you don't live near them change your phone number or block their calls. It is easy to avoid people you don't want to see if they are not near-by.


Don't subject your son to their behavior. It is not fair to him or you.

[Wild Flower]

At 24 I started traveling for a living. Putting distance between my family and me was the best thing I ever did for myself. My parents had their own problems and I didn't have much guidence growing up.

I understand what you mean about your parents being good people but neglecting your needs. Sounds like your sister didn't receive much contructive parenting if she learned to manipulate to get what she needs. I am not saying she isn't responsible, but she learned how to surrvive her own way.

I suggest you don't formally cut them off. Decide what you need and if that means at times (and even long periods) you stay away, take that time away. If you don't want the whole interaction with all of them, invite one at a time. Don't feel like talking, don't answer the phone. You could send a text saying not available IF you want.

Your brother may need you, to give him a little example of normal life. Chatting once in awhile, if it was comfortable for you might be a help to him. Even staying in your sister's life, telling her no if she tries to manipulate you is putting a boundry up... helping you to stay a step ahead of crazy.

If this seems too much now, do only what you are comfortable with. Step back as much as you need. Just don't close the door. In the future you might be able to be closer.

It has been 25+ years since I have been on my own. Long periods went without my visiting (having no $ helps sometimes). Sometimes I would call, sometimes not. I wasn't very close with my sisters.

I would call my younger sister but she would just answer yes, no or other short answer. I still remember the time she told me a story about her life!

I am closer to my sisters. My dad died but we had a little closure before he passed away. I am able to talk to my mother... ah, about the weather. Sometimes we actually laugh together and after it only feels slightly weird (when I feel the closeness... she was really mean to me growing up)

You sound like you are doing well- congrats about your sweet little one!

Keep learning how to get along with your family- teach your son by your actions... he'll learn how to treat others watching you. Keeping the door open may seem hard but remember, how far open can change as you need it to.

I am glad I did, though at times it has seemed that door was only a sliver.

One more thing- as I said, growing up I wasn't very close to my youngest sister. But little by little we talked. Then last fall I was homeless. I was afraid,and when I tried to talk to family, they just kept encouraging me but NOT hearing my fears or letting me talk/ leaning on them. Except my little sister. She listened, she talked, she let me cry it out a bit and I felt better.

Find little ways to connect with your family when you can. It might be the seeds to growing for all and the path to having a closer friendship later.

[NickofDiamonds]

You need to move far away and be able to take care of yourself without any psycholgical nurturing or support from them.
Once you achieved the alienation and estranged state for 5 years, you will have achieved total independence from the crazy train and the Mad Hatter's tea party won't effect you any more when you sit down at the table of insanities.
Good luck with this as it's not for the weak willed.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by NickofDiamonds

You need to move far away and be able to take care of yourself without any psycholgical nurturing or support from them.
Once you achieved the alienation and estranged state for 5 years, you will have achieved total independence from the crazy train and the Mad Hatter's tea party won't effect you any more when you sit down at the table of insanities.
Good luck with this as it's not for the weak willed.

This alone won't necessarily do the trick. I lived with a partner who created a physiological distance of over a thousand miles from a toxic, abusive family. Ultimately, though, he didn't emotionally distance himself sufficiently, and they continued to be a highly destructive force. While he was estranged from them when we met, it didn't last, even though there was huge geographic disconnection. And by five years later, the enmeshment was going strong.