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I wasn't very clear, so let me ask this differently.
You had indicated, when at parties or large gatherings, you tend to retreat to a quiet/private area. When this happens, what occupies your time? Do you prepare for an escape when you know you will be in a position in which you are likely to be uncomfortable?
Oh, during those times, nothing at all occupies my time. The whole point is to go somewhere and sit quietly. I'll concentrate on my breathing, calm down, enjoy the quiet. If I can go outside, I'll walk around and enjoy the outdoors.
Then, when I've recharged enough, I go back in and brave the crowds some more for a while. 3 breaks of 15-20 minutes each is usually enough for most events.
No, ignoring the kid is not going to bring him out of his shell. Nor is judging him or insisting that he must have a mental problem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted. As other people have said, it is not a disease. It is simply a personality trait that should be respected just as one would extraversion. Even if you don't communicate to him that you think that there is something "wrong" with him, I am sure that he can sense it. You have to have a GENUINE interest in getting to know him (an introvert can sense a phony a mile away), don't interrupt (that will just shut him down), and don't take it so personally if he doesn't respond. It is not about you. A gathering of 40 people, even if it is just family, can seem overwhelming to an introvert. If he is doing so well in school, I would think that he would have a modicum of social skills because some grades depend in part on cooperation and communication with others. Seek to understand, then seek to be understood.
Personally, from the description given I think everyone saying he has autism or some psychological issue that needs treated needs to back off. What is wrong with letting people be themselves.. even if that is different? Just from the information I see in this thread, the kid is introverted with maybe a case of social anxiety, but not enough information has been given to say how much social anxiety he is suffering from, and definitely not that it needs to be treated. Saying that everyone needs to learn to be able to give presentations or lead discussion groups is like saying everyone needs to know how to change their brakes, build an e-commerce website, or troubleshoot a Linux computer system. Some people love to be in the spotlight, some don't mind it, and others prefer to stay in the shadows.
I'm 40, married with two kids, introverted, shy, and consider myself to have social anxiety issues (self diagnosed). Here's the kicker.. I don't need any extroverts telling me I need to be more social! I have a good job and do well at it, communicate with my coworkers and family (except extended family like cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.). However, put me in a social setting like weddings, family reunions, even happy hour with fellow employees (but not direct coworkers) and I clam up. Put me in a concert setting or huge crowds (Disney World - shudder) and I'm scoping out the nearest exits and paths of least resistance to them. Doesn't mean I don't suffer through, especially Disney World for the kiddo's, just that it drains a lot of the fun out of those types of activities. I could happily work from home, by myself, 5 days a week without any issues, but when 5 o'clock comes around spend the evening playing games with the kids, talking to the family at the dinner table, etc.
My ideal vacations have been those where we just rented a small cabin or beach house away from the hustle and bustle. After our first Disney trip I made the mistake of not scheduling a day or two of additional PTO for isolation before going back to work... never again. I can take a week off to go backpacking/hiking by myself and jump right back into work the next Monday recharged and energized. Not to mention the enjoyment of a 6-8 hour drive by myself to get there and back. A week on a Disney cruise.. and I need 1-2 days of "veg time" at home after getting back, and that 12+ hour drive with the family doesn't help any.
For you extroverts out there, put yourself into our introverted shoes for a second. Imagine society told you to spend at least one day a week completely by yourself, no social media, phone, message boards, etc. Or better yet, try it for just one day and see how you feel at the end of the day. That is the way many of us introverts feel when we are told we need to be social and attend social functions. Some of us can "grin and bear it" better than others, but it is still mentally exhausting.
Thank you so much for this post. You sound very much like my husband (except he was a Babylon 5 fan as opposed to a Farscape fan lol). We used to fight all the time about outings and he would get mad that I wanted us all to hang out with people, and I would get mad that he wouldn't. Until I finally realized that he feels the same way with a group of people as I feel when I'm all alone. And he realized that I feel the same way all alone as he feels with a group of people. So now we are more attentive to each other's needs, and when I have a social weekend, I make sure to block off the following weekend and not schedule anything with anyone. And when we've had a weekend with no social engagements, my husband now is more receptive to having more social engagements the following weekend.
Of course, I should also mention that my son is borderline Autistic, and my husband is probably fairly close to that line as well. But there is a difference between introversion and being on the spectrum. Introversion is when you feel most comfortable and draw your energy from being alone, and being on the spectrum entails having difficulties with being social AND with communicating, and also having the need for predictability and repetitiveness.
And it sounds like OP's grandson could possibly be on the spectrum or near it. Not just because he's an introvert, but because he has to be prompted to say "hello", can only whisper it, and avoids eye contact. Those are some pretty heavy red flags. THAT BEING SAID. Grandma's posts on this thread make it very evident that she does not care about helping her grandson deal with any difficulties he may be facing. She only cares about her own feelings and how his issues affect HER comfort level. She wants to play mind games a cause drama with a CHILD, her own GRANDSON, who may have a disability. My advice to grandma would be to go one of two directions.
Either 1) stay "not too close" to your grandson because he doesn't need your drama to add even more complications and hurt to his life.
Or 2) take a long hard look in the mirror, change your ways, and focus on trying to be a loving an accepting grandma, and make it about the kid, and not about you.
I'd prefer number 2, but I'll take number 1 over neither.
Same here. I'm very introverted around my extended family. I'm maybe nicer than what OP is describing but I don't talk much. I never start a conversation except to my sister, parents or grandparents. I'm generally shy as is but I can be very outgoing with my friends. For some reason I just clam up with extended family. I think too many people are jumping to conclusions about this based on just one situation. For one, the story is what OP is perceiving and could be quite a bit different from reality. Second, it's just one scenario, we have no idea what he's like the rest of the time. Like I said, I'm completely different around friends.
Agreed, I just added autistic and introvert references because that is what I know/am. I do think slapping a quick label on this isn't the way to go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sedimenjerry
I also find it hard to believe that at 17 that even the worst public school would never have noticed if he was autistic or had some other sort of disability.
You would think, but there are many of them. I wasn't diagnosed until 24. If the school suspects something, they don't want to deal with it.
My seventeen year old grandson is allegedly an introvert. I know he likes being by himself to play his guitar and watch tv. If forced to attend a family gathering he will just roam around not saying a word and, to me, it seems very rude. In fact, if his mother tells him to say hello to me he will actually say it in a whisper without even looking at me! At holiday parties his other grandmother will host forty relatives and he'll simply sit in a chair looking straight ahead. He asked his mother if he could leave and she said no.
I was wondering : if I don't look at him at all or speak about him in front of others as if he isn't even there do you think it would snap him out of it? Or do you think he has a personality disorder that many kids take for depression?
I dread Christmas because I'm afraid he won't come over here. That would really hurt my feelings.
Well, I knew a teenager like this in a family I knew some years ago. In fact, at one point he only communicated in writing. He grew out of it, and he did it by himself, developing his own talents.
He went on to become a bartender!!! A freakin' bartender who has to talk to people all the time, couldn't believe it...his cousin said he was fine at it. He had liked to play the guitar, and he then went on to become an entertainer in bars and clubs. And according to his cousin who visits with him, he is making a fine living and has a host of friends...and yet, he still has a quiet side, writes poetry, etc.
Being withdrawn is not the end of the world, and I would be chary of trying to reshape such a child nearer my heart's desire.
As for your grandson, what have his parents done about what you perceive as his "problem"? I would think it would be there job, and not yours.
My seventeen year old grandson is allegedly an introvert. I know he likes being by himself to play his guitar and watch tv. If forced to attend a family gathering he will just roam around not saying a word and, to me, it seems very rude. In fact, if his mother tells him to say hello to me he will actually say it in a whisper without even looking at me! At holiday parties his other grandmother will host forty relatives and he'll simply sit in a chair looking straight ahead. He asked his mother if he could leave and she said no.
I was wondering : if I don't look at him at all or speak about him in front of others as if he isn't even there do you think it would snap him out of it? Or do you think he has a personality disorder that many kids take for depression?
I dread Christmas because I'm afraid he won't come over here. That would really hurt my feelings.
It would be pretty hard (if even possible) to "snap out" of being an introvert...he is what he is....hopefully you won't use that against him to blame him for your "really hurt feeling"...especially when you already KNOW what his character is.
I don't think he has a "personality disorder", though I can see people saying he does just cause he's not like them...or doesn't act like they think he should.
Every time I see this thread show back up, the title reminds me of people who think you can "pray away the gay". You aren't going to be able to change such an integral part of who someone is, not and expect that person to live a happy life. Being an introvert is just as integral.
I was wondering : if I don't look at him at all or speak about him in front of others as if he isn't even there do you think it would snap him out of it?
Where would you get such a notion, and why would it be your personal mission in life to "snap him out of" anything? Mind your own business.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O
Or do you think he has a personality disorder that many kids take for depression?
He may or may not have a personality disorder such as Schizoid Personality Disorder. He may or may not be on the autism spectrum, though clearly high-functioning. He may or may not be depressed. Or he may simply be very introverted which is not a disorder at all but simply a different way of being. This is not for you to meddle in or judge, it is for he and his parents to deal with (or not) as they see fit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SusanG_O
I dread Christmas because I'm afraid he won't come over here. That would really hurt my feelings.
And this is the real problem, it's all about you and how you feel. Why on earth would your feelings be hurt by someone you care so little about in the first place, such that you are trying to control him and get him to behave in ways that make you less uncomfortable?
Let other people be as they are. Don't demand that they be comprehensible to you. If you really "care" then read up about what introversion actually is and try to reach him on his own terms. Otherwise leave him the heck alone. Most likely his senses are already assaulted in a social setting as it is. He doesn't need people tormenting him about getting more involved when he may well already feel like he has ants crawling around inside his skull and would just like to be in a nice quiet place where he can recharge.
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