Learned helplessness (counselor, therapy, depressed, mom)

[bawac34618]

Is anybody familiar with this? I heard Dr. Phil talking about it and it's like a lightbulb went on and I think I suffer from this.

Basically, it's when a person goes through so many traumatic experiences over the course of their life that they settle into a mindset that there is nothing that can be done to improve their situation. Sometimes, as in my case, they make poor decisions that make getting out of their undesirable situation even more difficult than it otherwise would have been. My twenties were pretty much one bad decision after another that has me stuck in a place and situation I don't want to be in. Each bad decision further cemented me into my current situation. While change will be difficult and risky, there are things I could do to improve my life but I can't seem to get the drive, ambition, or self-confidence to make the changes I need to make for my own good.

Another aspect of this is the tendency to see the negative in everything, over-exaggerate the negative and downplay the positives. I seem to find a way to turn an accomplishment I should be proud of into a failure in my mind, if that makes any sense. I have the nagging sense that my life has been stolen from me. I have an image of what I would like my life to be, but I have no idea nor the confidence to try to make it reality.

If you've ever met somebody who complains continuously about their situation but never seems to do anything about it or never seems to make any progress towards a goal of getting out of that situation, learned helplessness might be a factor. Many times as they continue to complain, friends will be sympathetic and try to help, but the person will reject that help and continue complaining and continue in the cycle of self-pity. After a while, those friends will stop coming around and that perceived rejection will contribute to the continued learned helplessness cycle.

Thoughts?

[mainebrokerman]

its easy and disturbingly comfortable to be negative,,,,,,it sets the bar low for any expectations

and a smart ass turns into a wise ass turns into a sneering a-hole...

we live life in layers,,,it takes more energy to be positive than negative...

what happens to most of us,,,is that we are clumpers....
the pile on affect,,,,,,all worlds negative energy and problems get rolled into one big ball of crap
and that becomes of attitude,,,because we choose to carry it around,,,and it gets heavy,,,,

how to rid this ball of shyt??

break it down into pieces and hit it head on..... you keep doing this and the ball gets lighter and lighter and you need to try to replace the negatives with positives..

[bewitchyou]

yes, recently i have came across the whole 'learned helplessness' thing in my life, it was a real eye opener. from my experience i will tell you this, it is a very GOOD thing that you have found out about this learned helplessness so now you can go about learning how to not be helpless lol. in other words, i bet you feel like you aren't as held back anymore right? it's like you have been given something to work with and you can use it to move forward in your life, you can take back your power and build up your confidence and self-esteem.

you know it's funny, life is one mind trap, a game of survival...when we are born and as we grow up we have no idea what is normal, and just think of all the crap life hands us. either it makes us stronger or it kills us. id say you are on the right road, just take it one step at a time. another word of advice, i know it seems impossible but when people tell you to stop living in the past, do it, it really helps, it feels like this giant weight being lifted off your chest and you feel free! just live in the moment.

as for all the other stuff in your post, congratulations you just realized you are 'stuck', not many people do, nor do they ever believe they can do anything to change their situations..a lot of times they can, and it involves them changing from the inside out too, but it's rare when people grow up in this world. what you need to do is get a notebook and just write down everything that has consisted of your life so far, then separately write down things you wish were different, then separate from that try to brainstorm ways (even small ways can be helpful) that you can invoke change in your life. from the looks of it, you could also have a low form of depression? It is part opportunity, part you growing up, part situation, and part you making some moves to bring about the physical manifestations of the changes you are wanting in your life.

Take me for example, and the cheesy your wealth is in your health has some merit to it now that i finally experienced it, i never gave a **** about myself the concept of loving myself was so alien to me, that's how far gone i was insofar as misery and helplessness, but then one day i just realized that nothing will change if i stay the same, i was finally aware that i was stuck and that i was tired of my life being the way it was...so i really focused on getting my **** together in life and thought of some realistic attainable goals (for me), and i now i look and feel better than i ever have, i joined a gym even though i hate gyms and i got a cute trainer to help me with my health goals, well me and him had a thing but i didn't really go anywhere, but he kind of got to know me on a certain level and he connected me with his aunt who is an author (specializing in creative writing and also has a degree in psychology) and now i am scheduled to meet with her to discuss career goals and how she can be of help so it's like life is finally working with me, im finally getting a taste of what life, real life is like..and compared to before, its like i don't even know my 'old self' anymore, but i will never forget my journey. i never expected any of the above crap to happen to me, but it did...and i have myself to thank for it, it feels good to feel good about myself, it is nice to know and believe that i am worthy of more than this, more than whatever the hell i was going through before. it is nice to know that there is more to life than whoever i was before. i wish you the same luck my friend! have you thought of seeing a therapist, they can be helpful. sorry for typing so much, i just felt i needed to reach out to you and share my story to try and show you that it may not seem like it but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. just don't give up on yourself, care about yourself.

[Nov3]

I seem to view learned helpless to be instilled in upbringing. A damsel in distress..concept....

Seen my share of a specific gender using it way too much. Ergo ...the princess mentality. Little ole me just can't do it... (cringe)

Which is what is the downside of gender upbringing....

My mom was not of this nature. She did for herself..her family and she never considered the lil poor me attitude would get her anywhere.

I genuinely can understand when a series of events can wear on a person's spirit. Witnessed some horrid things...and for a time was pessimistic. Then life dealt a blow that changed perspective. It's one thing to acknowledge that event , negative in its nature...then to move from it...to a realistic resolution.
Adjust the sails when the wind changes course...

I had to learn to ask for help because I was taught to survive....as opposed to being help-less.
Still I learned to weigh in what I could effectively do...and when it was time to ...call in the marines so to speak learned to be humble in that instance...

I don't subscribe to making lemonade theory....I accept the lemon in its natural state...then I go bake a pie with it or use it in a scented candle. It's a choice..

[NoMoreSnowForMe]

Sounds like depression. Something that really helped me when I was depressed and couldn't see a way out of my situation, and I really wanted to quit my job and retire, I learned in a self-help group I attended at the urging of my doctor. It's called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT.

With CBT, you don't dwell on the past or why you're where you are. You just look at how your mind works, and you work on changing your thinking and your behavior.

For instance, when you start thinking something like, "I'm such a loser. I never accomplish anything, etc." You then do something like get out a notebook and ask yourself, "what are the facts?" The facts are that yes, you have accomplished a lot. And you list them. You got the job you have, you have kept the job, you show up on time, you pay your bills on time, etc.

So, you basically burst the bubble of the negative loop going on in your head.

For me, once I started using these tricks, it enabled me to stop that negative loop here and there long enough to come up with a plan to quit my job and retire. I promised myself I'd spend 10 minutes a day researching options or sending out applications to get on waiting lists for affordable housing, etc.

Then, once you start doing just something toward making a change in just that little effort every day that is hopeful, it starts to change how you think. Then, you might spend a little more time every day working toward the change you want to happen.

Once I started changing how I thought and changing my behavior, even slightly, and making that little effort every day - the next thing you know, it's a year later and I was able to quit and move away to an affordable senior apartment. I had it stuck in my head that I needed to stay in the area I was living in, which was not an affordable area. Once I let go of my desire to live in the area where I could never have retired in - things changed. I'm not in the area I'd prefer, but it's fine and I was able to quit and retire.

Anyway, if you can find a counselor who is familiar with CBT I highly recommend it. You just learn so many great techniques that are positive changes in little ways. I was really burned out on counseling that wanted me to dwell on the negative junk in the past. I wanted help dealing with "today" not yesterday, and this worked really well for me.

By the way, if you don't want to take anti-depressants, a natural alternative that's really helped me is vitamin D and magnesium oxide (mag-ox). Especially if you are somewhere that doesn't get a lot of sun, like me.

Good luck to you.

[bawac34618]

Originally Posted by Nov3

I seem to view learned helpless to be instilled in upbringing. A damsel in distress..concept....

Seen my share of a specific gender using it way too much. Ergo ...the princess mentality. Little ole me just can't do it... (cringe)

Which is what is the downside of gender upbringing....

My mom was not of this nature. She did for herself..her family and she never considered the lil poor me attitude would get her anywhere.

I genuinely can understand when a series of events can wear on a person's spirit. Witnessed some horrid things...and for a time was pessimistic. Then life dealt a blow that changed perspective. It's one thing to acknowledge that event , negative in its nature...then to move from it...to a realistic resolution.
Adjust the sails when the wind changes course...

I had to learn to ask for help because I was taught to survive....as opposed to being help-less.
Still I learned to weigh in what I could effectively do...and when it was time to ...call in the marines so to speak learned to be humble in that instance...

I don't subscribe to making lemonade theory....I accept the lemon in its natural state...then I go bake a pie with it or use it in a scented candle. It's a choice..

I agree with this completely.

I was taught a "victim mentality" from a very young age because of my fundamentalist Christian upbringing. There is actually a name for it, it's called "worm theology" where Christians are supposed to see themselves as "worms" in the eyes of God.

I agree about the lemonade theory. I think that can re-enforce learned helplessness. Basically it says settle and have a positive attitude, but don't try to change it.