Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
When I was in my late 20s, I was plagued with thoughts like this--I dated the wrong person, I picked the wrong major, I picked the wrong apartment, I have the wrong job--I have made some fateful decision that has ruined my entire future. If only I was nicer to that boss, I'd be further along. If only I had not broken up with that one...
I then sorted it out for myself. I am not worse than everyone else. I have made bad decisions just like everybody else has.
When I made a decision to change my direction it was a good thing to learn the difference between shame and guilt. I see you used the word shame in your title.
Shame can be a permanent condition and makes us feel forever less than everyone one else. And it's also a lie we tell ourselves and then we believe it.
Shame tells us, "I did a bad thing and therefore I am a bad person." A bad person can't be fixed.
Rather, in order to heal, we begin to transform our shame to guilt. Guilt tells us the truth when it says, "I did a bad thing that I maybe can't fix. But I don't have to keep experiencing guilt if I stop doing the things that make me feel guilty." It's a friendly reminder that a change is needed.
Then we go ahead and make the decision daily to make the right choice. Every time we make a good choice, or better yet do a good thing, we are building a foundation of okay-ness and confidence in ourselves.
Sounds like you have an issue with impatience as well. It may take you as long to dig out of your mess as it took you to dig yourself in. Take heart in that you are moving in the right direction.
I also make it a rule in my life to never compare myself to others to see how I'm doing. That's a sure-fire set-up for lifelong frustration. It's better to compare myself to the me I was yesterday with the goal of making some improvement daily.
Basically I feel I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and I think my autism has had a lot do with it, and the choices I was driven to make. Basically I feel that I wasted a lot of years on bad jobs, and not advancing towards any type of career or anything.
I feel I am a lot better now, and like myself today, a lot better. But I hated who I was before, a few years ago. I am 32, and didn't start liking myself and making good decisions till I was around 28.
But I can't get over the past, cause I feel my bad decisions have crippled me to a degree, or painted me into a corner with what I can do with my life, and I feel that even if I try to make up for it now, it will take years, and I am tired of all the lost time, and would like to build a life for myself that I am happy with. But at the same time, all the lost time is making me feel bad.
It's given me a lot of depression and anxiety lately. Does anyone have any advice or input, on how to handle a past of unforgiving memories. People say don't dwell on the past, but when it's the only memories you have, how do you not stop them from pre-occupying your head so much?
Making a mistake is discovering a way that didn't work.
Basically I feel I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and I think my autism has had a lot do with it, and the choices I was driven to make. Basically I feel that I wasted a lot of years on bad jobs, and not advancing towards any type of career or anything.
I feel I am a lot better now, and like myself today, a lot better. But I hated who I was before, a few years ago. I am 32, and didn't start liking myself and making good decisions till I was around 28.
But I can't get over the past, cause I feel my bad decisions have crippled me to a degree, or painted me into a corner with what I can do with my life, and I feel that even if I try to make up for it now, it will take years, and I am tired of all the lost time, and would like to build a life for myself that I am happy with. But at the same time, all the lost time is making me feel bad.
It's given me a lot of depression and anxiety lately. Does anyone have any advice or input, on how to handle a past of unforgiving memories. People say don't dwell on the past, but when it's the only memories you have, how do you not stop them from pre-occupying your head so much?
You are on the right track. It's all that matters.
You're very young. I will be 50 soon and I still feel as if I've only lived a small part of my life. There's so much more ahead of you than behind you.
People you interact with don't think about your past. Even if they know it. They think about their problems. And when they interact with you, it's "today" you. You're the only one who dwells on your past mistakes. And you can tell yourself to f'k off.
Treat your life like a project. You bought a house that the prior owner didn't maintain well. It may take years to fix all the problems, but with every new good thing you do for yourself, it gets just a bit better. And better. And better. Try to enjoy the process, as long as it takes, as long as you are on the right track and making progress.
Make a set of goals, break them into small steps, try to achieve xx of these steps every day, or every week, or every month. Remember, you don't have to be perfect tomorrow, you just have to be better than yesterday. Try Toodledo - it's a great task manager / goal setting system. Also helps to get organized.
we are often shaped by life events, not put in a safe pre-written storyline.. we don't come with an owners manual,
we learn to walk after falling down thousands of times.....and often hurting ourselves but we still try
we often curse the babies and kids with loud , high spirits, that act out,,,,but look at the animal kingdom....these are the survivors...
we are so blessed and fortunate......to be living in todays world...
can you imagine being an immigrant in the early 1900's working 14 hrs a day in a sweatshop hoping to make enough to feed your kids..
imagine being a farmer in the dust bowl,,,,,the whole family is at risk,,,,
imagine being in a town where disease is killing half the town and no one knows the cure
human challenges and suffering has been with us since forever...
appreciate what you have say 5 thank you's every morning..
god gave us free will what comes with that is the potential to make mistakes which we all do,,,but also the
ability to start from a clean slate..
the ability to stop marinating in misery of the past,,,its a choice..
live life thru your own eyes looking ahead,,,make short term and long term goals.....work towards them..
use the past as only a motivator..
it can always be worse...
look ahead hold your head up high become whatever you want to become...its a choice,,, don't be your own worse anchor...
set your compass forward .... and stop looking at other people,,,,
you should learn by now .....no matter what someone has,,,its never enough because they feel shallow
Well I am trying but it's hard to make up for like 10 years of regret since the new experiences are so far between it seems. I just feel I have a long way to go.
When I go on dates for example, I don't like to talk about myself, or my past much. I only want to mention certain things, and when other people have so much to talk about, I find myself getting very jealous and wish I could to. How do you think I should deal with that? Even if I create new experiences, that's still 10 years gone.
I have had to take time off work to deal with this as it's lead to lots of insomnia for the past few months, as well.
I don't know about autism but I keep people at an arms kink myself, sometimes. What you are creating, equals a bad result. Okay you over here------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------> You <-------------------------------
Depression, Past regrets <------------------------------------------------------------------> No sleep = No work.
This is a 24 hour cycle that turns in to a 48, then 60, then all week, then all month. So who are you hurting? You. I take meds for sleep and another problem that I had many years ago, never went away ( degeneration) Go to the doc... or you're going to be completely dysfunctional. as some point. ( Thats also a point where some people turn to street drugs and alcohol)
You can't change the past. The only thing you can do is go forward and go to bed ( if you don't do that, nothing will get better) eat right exercise a little each day, get some sunshine and join some type of meditation group. Not something that involves church but find a group that were people with autism can meet and relate to one another for an hour. ( I don't know, but get to a doc as well)
I've heard that said. A friend told me: "Write it all in a letter. Then don't mail the letter."
Doesn't work. The feelings of guilt and self-loathing remain.....
Im 34.5 but I have exact same situation as OP. Probably up until same.. Age 30-33. Didn't decide to make a change until after June 30th, 2016.
So burn it and drown it. Burning is getting rid of it and something new can grow from it. The you are washing it away with the water. It's just symbolization.
The letter writing is good for telling people off. You either can't or isn't a good idea IRL.
Then burn it to as if all the bad feeling are burnt up.
Hey, You are getting this for free when a shrink would charge you $250.00 per hour. You're welcome!
Ironpony, what DID you do in your 20s that was so bad/boring/uneventful?
You know, you can always read up on current news or find a hobby (meetup.com was already suggested) and have something to talk about with others.
I dont tell many people about my past and never run out of stuff to talk. Especially with coworkers and other people I dont know well I am careful not to get too personal.
Never let the past define who you are today. Learn from it but stop living in it. Now that you know you don't like the past, stop doing the things that you don't like about the past and start doing new things. Write down how you want your life to be and go after the new you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
