How do you feel seeing blood relatives aging? (mentally, thoughts, attractive)

[Lodestar]

I do volunteer work at a care center and seem to have found my niche in the dementia ward.


There was a very old woman there who spent most of her day in bed. She was permanently frozen at about three years of age and in her mind was left home all alone waiting for someone to come home and take care of her.


When my mother and MIL died about a month apart I went through about a week of being haunted by that woman's delusion and I certainly understood better what she must have been feeling. I kept thinking, No, I'm not ready to take your place, yet.


Holly Near sings a song that goes, "They are falling all around me. . . The strongest leaves of my tree are moving on."


Other than dealing with the expected moments of grief this just makes me more determined to be accepting of my inevitable death. I only get one chance to do this and I'd like to do it well.

[goodheathen]

Originally Posted by bpollen

This may seem more weird these days, where the younger generations live away from family, whereas in older times, several generations would live near each other and see each other regularly. It was normal for older generations to age and die, and then the next one, and then the next one.

It doesn't make me upset. It's what happens, if you live long enough. When you knew someone when they were younger, you still can see the younger version within the person...the eyes, the attitude, the body movements, personality.

It's more concerning the illnesses that hit when one gets older. I hate to see that, since I can't do anything about it, and it's a reminder that that will be happening to me, as my body falls apart.

The first part is true. People don't grow up with as many siblings, either.

I think today it's not odd for someone who isn't old to not regularly see specific old people over the years. Most people over 60 don't work full-time, and most old people aren't very social and when they do socialize with non-relations, it's usually people their age. The frail ones tend to be shut-ins.

Then TV and movies are used to gauge what aging looks like, but they leave out most old people and celebrities usually have to choose between aging well or risk losing their careers.

Therefore, nowadays rather normal aging sometimes can shock or upset.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by goodheathen

This is my follow-up to a very successful Fashion thread, although the preoccupation many years back to when I first heard a Bonnie Raitt song.

Spoiler

I see my folks, they're getting old
And I watch their bodies change
I know they see the same in me
And it makes us both feel strange
(from "Nick of Time")

I've never seen a discussion much like it and I figured now is the time, due to people seeing more relatives around the holidays. I've specified blood relatives because others add complexity, and if you're married to a blood relative, we don't want to know. So, it can be adult children, parents, siblings (including half-siblings), cousins.....

And it makes us both feel strange

It makes them feel strange (afraid) because they BELIEVE that all they are is an aging body that will soon DIE - what a shame! They might feel JOY if they could see or know that they are NOT just an aging body!
It only convinces me that we are NOT (aging) bodies but are eternal Spirit (notice I did not write Spirits). As far as I am currently concerned all that comes and goes, is born and dies is some interesting but temporary OBJECT, whereas we are "never-born" and "never-to-die" SPIRIT or BEING. So, Relatives or anyone else "aging" is no big deal (for me) since eternal life is both a fact and a comfort here.

[goodheathen]

I had a thought last night and cannot shoot down the truth I see in it. That being upset by aging isn't only about mortality but also by the end of peak of reproductive years. On some level, due to evolutionary psychology, people want their genes to carry on. Basically all parents want to be grandparents, and I think that's why children aging stands out more than siblings or cousins aging. It's not like the typical noticeable aging in 35-year-old son, for example, is much linked to death. (If I were trying to formally test the theory, I'd compare reactions to childless offspring vs. reactions to those who have produced their own.) After all, other lyrics in "Nick of Time" talk about getting too old to have children, which happened to Bonnie Raitt.

[Luckystrike1]

My brothers are 21 and 18 years older than me, and it's been very hard to watch them age. However, the older one, who is turning 86, is in considerably better health than I am. But he has other issues, so I still worry. The "younger" brother has had one foot in the grave for a long time, and every day I get nervous when I think about him.

With my parents it wasn't so hard. I was a late baby, so I never knew them when they were really young.

[Tim Randal Walker]

You are a kid when your grandparents start to pass away.

I am now 60, and have reached the time when your parent's generation begins to die. My elderly mother passed away last September.

This is a time of loss for me. For my mother it seems like her death and the aftermath was like...not so much closing a chapter of her life, as closing the book of her life for good.

I have seen the older generation reach the stage of being old and frail. I have a bunch of relatives in their 90s. And it seems to me that my siblings and cousins will be closing more books during the next few years, and eventually we will cumulatively closed the book on an entire (family) generation.

[mainebrokerman]

Originally Posted by Lodestar

I do volunteer work at a care center and seem to have found my niche in the dementia ward.


There was a very old woman there who spent most of her day in bed. She was permanently frozen at about three years of age and in her mind was left home all alone waiting for someone to come home and take care of her.


When my mother and MIL died about a month apart I went through about a week of being haunted by that woman's delusion and I certainly understood better what she must have been feeling. I kept thinking, No, I'm not ready to take your place, yet.


Holly Near sings a song that goes, "They are falling all around me. . . The strongest leaves of my tree are moving on."


Other than dealing with the expected moments of grief this just makes me more determined to be accepting of my inevitable death. I only get one chance to do this and I'd like to do it well.

I wish there were (legal) places we can go to check out with dignity

we didn't choose how we came into this world, but we should be able to choose how we check out

a place called "crossing over" or "out to pasture" or "its my time" or "i did it my way"
and you check in, they have ;awyers for your wills and testaments, they have "bucket list" coaches/companions and have a place/banquet room for one last party with friends and family..
of course this is all predicated on health and wellness...but, its a pre-emptive strike before you fail away into someone you are not


I would do this in a heart-beat.... as people age,,,their biggest fear is having a stroke and being a burden or being in pain or in a coma.... or nursing home for years ....

now that I'm over 50 I'm starting to think of this stuff..
I want to cross over in style......
we have two births in life....one at the beginning and one at the end...both are usually traumatic..

well,,,i don't believe the second one has to be..

if a mother and her dr can plan a date for a C-section (I remarked at the time to the dr. isn't that like playing god?? she said no more of a timekeeper...the birth is inevitable

well, so is death and I would like it to be on my terms.... is that too much to ask??
nope I don't think so..
ive lived 50 years......death doesn't scare me,,,,,but dying slowly does



my god,,,if we can bring a dog in to be put down because "its for the best" then why the hell cant we do it to ourselves???

[krmb]

Originally Posted by goodheathen

This is my follow-up to a very successful Fashion thread, although the preoccupation many years back to when I first heard a Bonnie Raitt song.

Spoiler

I see my folks, they're getting old
And I watch their bodies change
I know they see the same in me
And it makes us both feel strange
(from "Nick of Time")

I've never seen a discussion much like it and I figured now is the time, due to people seeing more relatives around the holidays. I've specified blood relatives because others add complexity, and if you're married to a blood relative, we don't want to know. So, it can be adult children, parents, siblings (including half-siblings), cousins.....

I hate seeing my dad age, because it means I may not always have him. I don't like seeing young people age, either, though, because it reminds me how old I'm getting.

[Mightyqueen801]

My mother is 88. Lately she keeps saying, "I look in the mirror and I see my mother! It's scary how much I look like her."

And I think, but don't say, "I know exactly what you mean, Ma."

[Mightyqueen801]

Originally Posted by goodheathen

I had a thought last night and cannot shoot down the truth I see in it. That being upset by aging isn't only about mortality but also by the end of peak of reproductive years. On some level, due to evolutionary psychology, people want their genes to carry on. Basically all parents want to be grandparents, and I think that's why children aging stands out more than siblings or cousins aging. It's not like the typical noticeable aging in 35-year-old son, for example, is much linked to death. (If I were trying to formally test the theory, I'd compare reactions to childless offspring vs. reactions to those who have produced their own.) After all, other lyrics in "Nick of Time" talk about getting too old to have children, which happened to Bonnie Raitt.

I think there is something to that. I will always be a tiny bit sad on some level that I didn't get the chance to have more children (marriage failed, never got another opportunity). I really wanted more children. On balance, I am grateful for the one now-adult kid I had, but she will never have children, so I will never be a grandmother. That doesn't really bother me now at 58, but I wonder if it will bother me more when I am older.