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My question is, why does the parent of the child put up with the complaining step parent? I'd stand up for my child and kick the whining complainer OUT - ASAP!
Even if the complaints were valid? Like if your child intentionally lied about the step parent and terrorized and threatened them and basically treated them like crap? Children can be very manipulative and evil at times.
I notice that >50% of complaints in the parenting forum and irl are about step kids. Why even bother dating/marrying people with kids if you're going to find fault with the kids? A lot of the things they complain about is things they wouldn't trip over if it was their own kid.
There's a lot of wonderful stepparents out there but boy, there's a lot more who aren't.
On most of the posts, you can tell it's a step parent before they even tell you. It's more about how they aren't living life like you want but rarely any humanizing them. They are just some annoying thing that you feed. Well, why don't you date someone else instead of screwing up some kid?
Selfishness.
My stepmother was incredibly jealous of my mother and took it out on me while I was growing up. She screamed at me over the most petty nonsense. I was an 8 year old, and I remember her pitching fits because I forgot to put my dishes in the dishwasher after eating, putting my jacket in the dirty clothes hamper, and setting back a clock in the living room when the time changed (DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!!!!!!). She was just as nasty to my sister as well, and I remember her pinching her arm once.
My dad hated his stepfather and I've had other relatives and friends who had pretty horrible relationships with stepparents going on into adulthood.
There is no way in hell I'd date, much less marry, a woman who has children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
This is why women who have kids are an instant dealbreaker for me i'm not dealing with a resentful kid who has a bad attitude.
Usually, that "bad attitude" is a result of antagonistic behavior from the stepparent. My attitude towards my stepmother wasn't wonderful, but that's because she treated me like crap!
Even if the complaints were valid? Like if your child intentionally lied about the step parent and terrorized and threatened them and basically treated them like crap? Children can be very manipulative and evil at times.
They can sure be wretched in their teen years. Evil is a mighty powerful word.
A lot of these kids are on their third set of parents, mix and match. It can't be easy for them to feel they are getting their needs met or that their needs are even important. They lack skills to articulate all this so the best a lot of them can do is manipulate in some way.
So it helps to look at all that crazy teenaged behavior, or even younger, that way. And address it in the terms of what he/she needs. Not wants, but needs.
One year I hosted a teenaged boy for Christmas who had three sets of parents. It was obvious he was unhappy and would have liked to have been anywhere else. And like some teenagers do he made sure everyone else was miserable too. As hostess I was getting ticked with his behavior.
When we had a moment together we had a few private words. He said, "This is my sixth Christmas celebration this year and I don't know half the people I'm celebrating with."
Dear OP ~ It seems you've been taken out to the shed so to speak just for asking a question. I hate to be cynical, but it would seem that the one marrying the person with step-children often wants something other than to give their love, if indeed they get married and then complain all the time about the children. Either they had those rose-colored glasses on because they wanted this person but were not especially thrilled about his or her children, or they wanted that continual flow of money and/or sex and the only way to get these things would be to convince themselves and the other person that the kids were a good addition to the relationship. I used to be the most non-cynical person in the world...it's just that I've seen it and heard of it so many times.
Dating might be one thing, but marriage is a whole 'nother story entirely.
I've seen too many marriages with this scenario (one of the partners has kids from a prior) go right down the tubes.
I'd suggest that if you are going to get 'serious' with someone with children, at the point you realize that, and assuming you've been nice/civil to the kids until now, you bring them into the discussion. Really get to know them. Let them know your plans. Get on the right side of it. And before that, discuss it with the partner....how to handle discipline, finances, etc. What will be tolerated or not. obvious stuff. Don't want until after your get married.
Knew both men and women who married another with kids and they hadn't agreed on any important matters so everything was a fight. She didn't want the guy disciplining her kids or vice versa. He thought the kids should be given free reign and she didn't. It's a recipe for disaster if everyone isn't on the same page.
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