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My dad and my late wife both had to grow up and take on adult responsibilities early on and lost their "wonder years". They both suffered very deep and damaging emotional/mental wounds which had devastating effects on the rest of their lives - especially my alcoholic, abusive, sadistic dad!
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Originally Posted by victorianpunk
One of the many, MANY things that my shrinks completed ignored no matter how many times I asked was what could be the long term effects of being a kid who was forced to grow up too fast. I went through three shrinks before I gave up and decided therapy is a scam. None of them would address this but instead wanted to talk about "womb memories" and other woowoo crap.
Due to limited $$, I did most of my therapy work in 12 step support groups and found most "shrinks" be either utterly incompetent or outright IGNORANT. Alice Miller helped me understand why so many shrinks are so bad. Miller speaks of the "unhealed Healer" in her books. Shrinks with unresolved "issues" cannot help anyone and often damage their clients even more!
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So anyway, yep, my entire "wonder years" were spent working, watching my sister's kids, and studying.
That happened to my dad and late wife who were forced to parent their siblings and go to work on the farm (dad) at a very early age so losing their "wonder years" left them: angry, unhappy, incomplete, emotionally troubled and generally NOT OK. Much has been written in Adult Child literature about the damages of losing one's childhood and it all describes what happened to my dad and late wife.
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Well, I left the ghetto extremely easily once I stopped giving my family money and just got a place outside of the old neighborhood. I went on with my life and now have a decent job in a city on the other side of the country from them...and years later I still feel the effects.
Very few folks get it that early trauma can last an entire life time UNLESS treated or a miracle awakening happens. My dad never did get over his childhood issues and my late wife tried very hard to get over hers but much of it came back just before she crossed over.
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And to anyone else with a screwed up family, I ask this: ever notice that most people with happy families just refuse to even try to get where you're coming from? Isn't that annoying?
It's annoying and can leave me feeling isolated and sometimes FOOLISH but, thanks to Recovery work in support groups, I now know that my understanding and TRUTHS about my sick family is real and I don't need the approval or even understanding of "normal" folks to keep me going. I have come to understand that most folks survived screwed up families but they keep their heads buried in the sands of DENIAL and bitterly resent anyone like you or me for speaking the TRUTH about our screwed up parents and family. They HATE us because we threaten to break through their thick, defensive walls of DENIAL and might force them to FEEL the pain of their own lousy past and then be forced to get honest and do something about their unaccepted pains. IMO, the bulk of humanity lives with and endures UNHEALED pain from the past and copes by simply DENYING that things were that bad back home. Just about everything in any culture assists these trauma victims to DENY and hide their unhealed pains but it will come out in may sick ways like: road rage, bar fights, all manner of crime, FEAR, war, cheating, LYING, gossip, insanity, murder, rape, arson, suspicion, racism, religious wars, jealousy, competition, and all manner of negative/violent behavior that is unwittingly fueled by UNHEALED PAIN from early childhood! We are not born EVIL but can quickly be made EVIL in an emotionally sick family! At least that is what happened to my dad, late wife and us 3 kids. Sick others made us sick and my late wife and I are the only ones I know who ever tried to find some help and healing from a messed up childhood. Not sure if we succeeded but we did at least try!
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I've given up on therapy. I think a rational, scientific minded shrink is just as mythical as a unicorn. They all talk about "feelings" and refuse to actually get to the point unless I beg, plead, and threaten to quit. It's so annoying. I think something about the field of therapy attracts the kind of people who refuse to vaccinate their kids and have that poster with a cheesy UFO with the words "I want to believe" on their office wall.
I don't give advice but I'd recommend any support group over a personal shrink to anyone wanting to recover from early trauma and emotional damages. I think that many "therapists" have not done their own therapy work and are still living in and with DENIAL so they cannot help anyone and may FEAR having their own unhealed pains exposed by a client.
good luck
For me is the opposite, I had an amazing childhood
It was so good, that I have no need to do anything that kids do ... because I did it 1000 times.
Sometimes I see people and wonder if they had a crappy childhood
Any chance they get, they start doing things that kids would do.
I think that's a difference between having a good childhood and being forced to grow up quickly.
Supposedly that's why Michael Jackson had an attraction park in his house (questionable .... long story)
Far as I know, Michael Jackson lost his wonder years and childhood by being forced to get busy and serious about the family's show biz ambitions so Michael was seriously working on his dancing and singing when other kids were out playing and having FUN. Michael was NEVER allowed to just be a kid which explains his weird and apparently perverted life style!
Try reading Janet Woititz's "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and see if you don't get some sense of direction there.
There are also support groups in more populous areas for Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Good luck to you.
I did most of my therapy work in ACoA and also in CODA (codependents Anonymous) support groups. It's a safe and CHEAP way to go, IMO.
I've given up on therapy. I think a rational, scientific minded shrink is just as mythical as a unicorn. They all talk about "feelings" and refuse to actually get to the point unless I beg, plead, and threaten to quit. It's so annoying.
I think something about the field of therapy attracts the kind of people who refuse to vaccinate their kids and have that poster with a cheesy UFO with the words "I want to believe" on their office wall.
Yeah, I agree.
It would be a rare therapist who really understood people who have had to raise themselves.
I learned a lot from books, though. That, and I lucked out and attracted a couple of mentors at different points in my life.
You have to do it all yourself, and there is more to learn than "outsiders" would ever believe. No one ever fixed your breakfast; no one ever helped you with homework; if you had clean clothes it's because you washed them.......... yeah. I did all that. Even went off to Vietnam by myself; no one knew I was there.
Biggest thing, I think, is that you have to learn to be good to yourself. Buy yourself nice things; don't be afraid to spend a little money. Learning to play is tough. I never did master that one, so my version of "play" became what other people call "work". Still is, but I enjoy my version of "play".
I'm 71. It comes out alright if you keep on trucking. Helps if you fall in love with someone with a similar background who can help balance out your shortcomings. That happened to me, too.
BOL
Oh, yeah... The central question: What are the longterm effects of being forced to grow up too fast? There don't have to be any. You can overcome them all.
Helps if you fall in love with someone with a similar background who can help balance out your shortcomings. That happened to me, too.
My late wife, who also survived a bad childhood and was also involved in support groups, was my best and perhaps only compassionate partner during my own Recovery period and, since we understood and empathized with each other, we helped and emotionally supported each other way more than any therapist could have. She could "tolerate" my pain and I tolerated her pain BUT we did not dump our pain onto each other thanks to what we learned in therapy. We helped each other RESOLVE as much repressed pain as we could with love, respect and FRIENDSHIP.
In my understanding of therapy, one gets out of it what one puts into it.
That's why I thought support groups are better than one on one therapy since the group functions like a guide rather than a judgmental teacher and you are on your own to learn and grow or not but you are surrounded by supportive, growing and helpful FRIENDS which a lot of therapists cannot or will not be. I always felt so validated and encouraged by other group members and heard a lot of discouraging stories about unhelpful or outright harmful professionals. IMO, a groups setting is more useful and one can move from group to group to find more or better help and encouragement, etc. Just witnessing others making progress is hugely inspiring for a beginner and you don't find that at a therapist's office, IMO I found the encouragement, trials and support of other Survivors enormously beneficial and didn't feel so "alone" after the first few meetings. They gave me their phone # and wanted mine!!! I felt accepted and wanted for the first time in years. I found friendship, love, guidance, inspiration and motivation. I could feel progress and hope at the very first ACA meeting and it just got better and better within hours and days! I ended up attending dozens of meetings of all kinds back in those days: ACA, CODA, AA, INCEST SURVIVORS, AL-ANON, NA, OVER-EATERS, SEX-A-HOLICS and see that there are a lot more of them available these days and even on line now!!!!
Oh, and when you're at a sharing meeting with nothing to say or just too scared or angry to say anything, it might blow your mind when another member starts saying what you wanted to say and then tells your story just like you wanted to but you felt blocked, so what you wanted to talk about comes out anyway and that may not happen in a therapist's office where the professional is NOT SUPPOSED to talk! It's incredible how others can "speak for you" when you are emotionally blocked and I found great relief in having my story said OUT LOUD by me or someone else. And another things is when someone talks about some painful thing you forgot about or did have the guts to mention so now that allows you to chime in and tell your story also and the pain comes up and (briefly) leaves you. Oh, and the group LAUGHS are worth a million $$$. I never once found a reason to laugh in a therapist's office! And they let you weep as much or as long as you need to in those groups! Lots of tears were spilled in there! I miss the tears most of all!!!! Tears wash old, repressed pain away like nothing else can.
One day at a time!
Last edited by jimrich; 04-08-2017 at 09:47 PM..
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Empathy
