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It is interesting that there is another current thread on CD (parenting forum) where several posters are vehemently stating that it is perfectly fine, even advisable, for toddlers to be allowed to be 10 to 30 feet away from their parents in public places and stores.
I'm sorry, but I seriously don't understand this thread and why anyone here would want to discuss such a horrible circumstance! I mean really, how do think a parent feels if they did this?? I myself have not been through such a trauma (Thank God) but have known others who have lost a child. I don't see a parent ever getting over such an incident so why discuss.
We were outside one day when our toddler bolted for the corner. She was laughing and having a great time and we could hear what sounded like a big truck coming. We both took off after and all I could think was "She'll trip on the curb. It'll bust her up but it'll stop her" My husband yelled and miraculously she stopped. I can still replay that scene in my head and want to cry.
To the OP's question: I don't know anyone who has been through this, but if I were responsible for the death of my daughter through negligence, the urge to kill myself would be very strong. Not sure if I'd survive it or not.
My oldest son has always been very absent-minded and fairly impulsive. He is seven now and I still need to remind him to look both ways before stepping into a street or parking lot; he's been known to talk about something and just walk out of the car and into a busy lot without paying attention to cars driving through. When he was around three, I had a couple of friends with calm well-behaved girls of the same age. When we walked together, they would let their kids run or ride scooters up to a block ahead, up to the intersection where the girls would stop and wait for the moms to catch up. I did not let my son more than a few steps ahead of me, never more than I could run and catch him if need be, and even when he was older would tell him several times to remember to stop at the intersection. Now, I understand the other moms may have trusted their kids with good reason. And they rolled their eyes thinking I was being overprotective. But to me, even the most obedient three year old is still a three year old, and you just never know 100% what will come to their head. I think even with a different kid, I would still not be comfortable letting them run far ahead to a street trusting that they will stop. They get distracted, they see something shiny in the middle of the street, they stumble at the curb and go flying under a car even. Nope, just not worth the risk.
Why are you interested this in this? It seems children die more often by being let in car seats. 'Forgotten'. That I find more interesting and feel happens more.
It is interesting that there is another current thread on CD (parenting forum) where several posters are vehemently stating that it is perfectly fine, even advisable, for toddlers to be allowed to be 10 to 30 feet away from their parents in public places and stores.
The story about the 5yo kid who got crushed at the Westin in Atlanta? Most people there blame it on the parents for letting him get down from their table and wander off.
Exactly. My 5yo grandson is Autistic and he darts out of the car and runs into the parking lot, gets down from the table at a restaurant, etc., and is hard to control. We are all going on a cruise next year and we've decided he is not going. There is no way we are taking him somewhere he can potentially hurt himself (or others).
I posted this in Psychology, because I mostly want to discuss the impact of this on a person and a family. But yes there is the other part of the conversation around how this could even happen, etc.
I don't want this thread to become about criticizing and bashing these poor people (though I can definitely understand the sentiment). So let's try to stay away from that.
We hear stories about this happening quite frequently:
A parent is backing out of their driveway and they accidentally run over their toddler who was crawling or playing in the driveway, just behind the vehicle. Usually the incident does not involve anything like being under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
It seems to happen often enough that it's a "thing." It was also the primary reason why some new cars have the rear view cameras. So it's not like something that's only happened 4-5 times.
I try to imagine what that must be like, to be the parent who ran over the child, and to be the other parent.
Does the parent who killed the child ever recover? Can they? Should they?
Does the other parent blame the parent who did it? Sure, it's most definitely an accident and not something intentional, but can they ever, ever forgive their partner?
Do these couples almost all end up breaking up? Could you stay with your partner if they did this? Have some of them successfully stayed together?
How often does the parent who killed the child end up committing or attempting suicide? Would you feel that way, if you were in their shoes?
I've been a therapist, and I can't even imagine how I would treat a couple if they came to me with this situation. The responsible thing would be for me to refer them elsewhere. But I wonder about a clinician who actually tries to help them--Do you feel any hope for a positive outcome?
Has anyone here known a family this happened to? What was the outcome for them?
Do you feel judgmental about it? How do you deal with that, if you know the people?
I can't help but asking: why was a toddler playing in the driveway, and how did you not even know? I realize a 5 or 6 year old kid could quickly run behind a car when only a second ago they were playing on the grass. But most of these cases are little tiny children, like 1-4 years old.
I'm not a parent, but I would think that if I were, after hearing of even one of these cases, I would always, compulsively, look behind my car before backing out of the driveway. Doesn't the person's spouse think this? Their other loved ones? How do you ever get past that?
I could not even cope with the guilt the person must feel. I mean, I have known people, personally and professionally, who have accidentally caused another person's death, maybe in a car crash or another kind of accident. They often can get better and cope with the shame and guilt. But this is something that involves one's own child and something that is 100% preventable. I don't know how I could ever live with myself.
I tend to be a very empathic person, and always try to put myself in someone else's place when I read news stories that are disturbing. I try to empathize with victims and offenders, loved ones and bystanders, to understand what it must be like. I can do this to the point where I can begin to actually feel some of the feelings, and I can even start crying. But this scenario disturbs me so much, I quickly snap out of it and change my train of thought. The guilt and despair are just so overwhelming, even in that small imaginary dose.
I have not seen any honest open discussions about this phenomenon online, and wanted to start one. Again, please observe the fine (and admittedly grey) line between expressing your feeling honestly and attacking the parents who this has happened to. I don't want any of them reading this and feeling even worse than they already do. And I'm positive they feel as bad as a human being can feel.
I can't believe someone would actually contemplate attacking a parent who had done this, let alone going through with it. What an indescribably horrible species of a human being. The parent is suffering the worst pain imaginable and someone wants to add more onto it. Disgusting. Such people need to check into therapy themselves.
I can only hope that there are support groups or something where the parent can somehow recover something of their lives. Their poor souls will always be in torment here on earth. How sad. My heart is shattered when I hear about such tragedies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TBG17
Why are you interested this in this? It seems children die more often by being let in car seats. 'Forgotten'. That I find more interesting and feel happens more.
That's neglect and the parent just not being responsible. An accident such as described above can happen even if the parent is being careful. Children are just quick and can seem to get anywhere in a blink of an eye. You could have sworn you checked, and boom. It just happens. It's why they're called accidents. For someone to say I accidentally left my child in a car seat, you'd probably just think they're kind of not all there (though I'd use a harsher word, just trying to be polite).
My sister used to work as one of several private nurses who cared for a boy whose mother had accidentally backed over him in the driveway when he was two. She was preoccupied putting her infant into his car seat, and didn't see the toddler come out and go behind the wheel. She back up over him. He did not die, but he was permanently disabled mentally and physically.
Both parents are medical doctors and quite well off. However, in their culture, a damaged child is taken care of but set aside, so while they provided for him with a room containing all his needs and round-the-clock nursing care, they rarely interacted with their son. His companions and social interaction were the nurses. At 21, he was placed in an institution.
Someone mentioned children who run out in front of cars, which sparked a memory of something I once read and made sure to apply to my daughter when she was young.
Telling a child who is about four years old to look both ways before crossing the street is ineffective, because at that stage, the child is living in a magical world. They press a button on a box and pictures and stories appear out of nowhere. They like clowns and magic tricks and believe they are real at that age. They do not yet have the concept that there are reasons and effects for everything. Therefore, when you simply tell them to look both ways, they believe THE ACT of looking prevents them from getting hurt. Children hit by cars at that age are often seen to look one way and then the other and then step right out in front of the car. You have to be very precise and say, "Look to make sure no cars are driving on the road, and if you see one, do not step into the road because you could get hit."
Telling a child who is about four years old to look both ways before crossing the street is ineffective, because at that stage, the child is living in a magical world. They press a button on a box and pictures and stories appear out of nowhere. They like clowns and magic tricks and believe they are real at that age. They do not yet have the concept that there are reasons and effects for everything. Therefore, when you simply tell them to look both ways, they believe THE ACT of looking prevents them from getting hurt. Children hit by cars at that age are often seen to look one way and then the other and then step right out in front of the car. You have to be very precise and say, "Look to make sure no cars are driving on the road, and if you see one, do not step into the road because you could get hit."
I found it interesting.
That's very astute. I never thought of it in quite that way. Thanks.
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