Revealing a Someone Else's Secret within Family (counselor, therapy, husband)

[Naomijean1]

I happen to know of a sexual abuse situation between one of my spouse's sisters and an older brother that happened almost 50 years ago. I don't think any of his other siblings know, but what I accidentally overheard between these two siblings arguing about 10 years ago was confirmed by a family friend. I swore to her that I would not reveal this to anyone. However, now that we are living closer to and see these siblings more often their behavior that springs from these incidents is more evident. The brother is 7 years sober after decades of alcoholism, but the sister seems to be imploding, mostly from poor choices she has made in parenting and life style.
My spouse is one to constantly analyze people and their actions and I am just biting through my tongue wishing i could explain the source of much of these behaviors.
Moreover, I wish I could reach out to my sisterinlaw and tell her I know and to maybe give her courage to seek counseling, confront the issue and maybe take it off her shoulders.
Or, should I just keep biting...?

[ccc123]

Keep your mouth shut and mind your own business. If the victim hasn't told her siblings in 50 years it's not your place to do so. If she wanted you to know, she would tell you, you wouldn't have to eavesdrop on a argument. You have kept the secret for 10 years, you can keep it forever.

[Naomijean1]

Originally Posted by ccc123

Keep your mouth shut and mind your own business. If the victim hasn't told her siblings in 50 years it's not your place to do so. If she wanted you to know, she would tell you, you wouldn't have to eavesdrop on a argument. You have kept the secret for 10 years, you can keep it forever.

Well, thank you for your kind and eloquent answer!
I actually did NOT eavesdrop, I walked into a room and caught a very obviously blurted out comment as they were leaving through a door on the opposite side.
I can guess that you aren't a counselor and hopefully not staffing a suicide hotline with your charming and disarming manner.

[Blondy]

When my middle sister and I were in either our late twenties or early thirties, many years ago, she told me over the phone that she had been molested by our grandfather.

I don't remember exactly how this convo came about. She was married and had kids and I believe it was her only daughter reaching the age around when she herself had been molested that triggered her to remember all this.

My sister was acting really weird about visiting my parents whom she lived 600 miles away from and I think she was coming under increasing pressure from them to see their grandkids and they had suggested things like keeping the kids so she and her husband could get away, etc.

I don't remember if she came right out and said it, but clearly she was afraid of leaving the kids near my father even though it was not his father who had molested her.

I think I was in shock at all this news. As well as I remember, I encouraged her to talk to a therapist. I believed her, because she is not the sort of person to make stuff like this up, and also I had a weird aberrant situation with my grandfather one time as a teenager that was so unreal I wrote it off.

My sister didn't swear me to secrecy.

I didn't know what to do once we hung up.

I called my older cousin because I felt she was the emotionally strongest person, approaching her as gently as possible, and told her what my sister had told me. I don't remember the details of the convo, but she basically confirmed that he had also molested her and one of her sisters. She further informed me that her mother(my Aunt) knew this and had not really handled it well. It suddenly explained a lot about both my cousins who even though incredibly intelligent had had some serious issues in their life lives and relationships.

That was enough for me to call my parents and put the whole ball of wax in their laps! I knew that this info would kill my parents and I wasn't the best person to tell them, because at that time I had a very contentious relationship with them, esp. my father. But, my instinct was that my sister more than anything needed my parents to know this info and validate her feelings more than she needed me to know/validate. I also instinctually felt that they would rise to the challenge because my sister had a good relationship with them and was always the child that could do no wrong.

My parents behaved as I expected they would.

My father expressed the right amount of disgust, sorrow, regret, anger that he hadn't protected her even thought he was not really to blame. Same with my mother, and she also confronted her sister who knew grandfather was molesting her own daughter and basically did nothing. My mother and her two sisters all claimed he never molested them, which I have always found weird.

But, bottom line the secrets were all out. In the process, it became apparent that my younger sister was also molested.......cant recall if I contacted her or my parents asked her. I took some flack from her. She didn't understand the reasons for my issues with my father, because she didn't have the same issues. She made a comment that she "Hoped I was doing all this for the right reason". I shrugged that off.

I have no regrets with regard to the decisions I made even thought they may not have been made with the utmost maturity. I think people had some degree of healing from long held secrets being exposed. My sister was able to allow her children freer access to their grandparents, my cousins who had felt invalidated by their own mother got validation from my mother their aunt, etc.

Having said all this, this was all within my own blood family.

I will come back and give you another example related to in-laws.

[Blondy]

OK, here's the in-law version.

My husband was sexually molested by a male babysitter.

He went through a few years of therapy to deal with this.

At some point, he told me that he thought his brother who was a year younger was probably also molested.

Of course, he already knew my sisters story. But, after discussing it, my recommendation to him was that he should approach his brother with this info.

He did that. I wasn't present for the convo, so I really don't know how directly/indirectly he approached it. From what he told me, he left an opening for his brother to tell him that the babysitter was inappropriate and that his brother had also been molested to some degree as well.

Brother opted not to respond to this.

My husband and I chose not to force the issue.

As far as I can tell, you have 3 choices.

Do nothing.

Tell your sis-in-law what you inadvertently overheard and let her know you are there to support her.

Tell your husband what you know and let him deal with his own family as he sees fit.( assuming of course that you know him well enough to know he will not take a gun and blow his brother away for molesting his sister)

No one here is going to be able to tell you exactly what to do, because we do not know all of your family dynamics.

If this is eating you alive, the best alternative may be to seek professional counseling to help you sort it out.

[ccc123]

Originally Posted by Naomijean1

Well, thank you for your kind and eloquent answer!
I actually did NOT eavesdrop, I walked into a room and caught a very obviously blurted out comment as they were leaving through a door on the opposite side.
I can guess that you aren't a counselor and hopefully not staffing a suicide hotline with your charming and disarming manner.

You are very welcome for the honest answer.

[Naomijean1]

Blondy,
thank you so much for your answer - first of all, I must express my sadness that these issues happened in your family!! But also I must say that in my opinion, you and your husband did the right thing, based on the outcomes.
But...who can tell what that outcome will be.
And, as mid-mannered and level-headed as my spouse can be, a reaction of anger didn't even cross my mind! So there is that to consider.
Lastly, your advice for me to seek counsel, as it is a burden at times when I see how my sisterin law falling apart. I think I will speak to my priest about this; he is a very wise and broad minded person who will surely help me deal with this.
God bless you and your family!!

[Sassybluesy]

I think an important consideration to think about, is that often, when these kind of secrets come out...all the pent up emotions may be thrown on to you. That ol "shoot the messenger" syndrome.


Just a thought.

[Electrician4you]

Originally Posted by Naomijean1

I happen to know of a sexual abuse situation between one of my spouse's sisters and an older brother that happened almost 50 years ago. I don't think any of his other siblings know, but what I accidentally overheard between these two siblings arguing about 10 years ago was confirmed by a family friend. I swore to her that I would not reveal this to anyone. However, now that we are living closer to and see these siblings more often their behavior that springs from these incidents is more evident. The brother is 7 years sober after decades of alcoholism, but the sister seems to be imploding, mostly from poor choices she has made in parenting and life style.
My spouse is one to constantly analyze people and their actions and I am just biting through my tongue wishing i could explain the source of much of these behaviors.
Moreover, I wish I could reach out to my sisterinlaw and tell her I know and to maybe give her courage to seek counseling, confront the issue and maybe take it off her shoulders.
Or, should I just keep biting...?

If the siblings aren't saying anything it's really not your place to say anything. Let them deal with it. You can speak to her and offer her support to seek counseling or closure.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by Naomijean1

I happen to know of a sexual abuse situation between one of my spouse's sisters and an older brother that happened almost 50 years ago. I don't think any of his other siblings know, but what I accidentally overheard between these two siblings arguing about 10 years ago was confirmed by a family friend. I swore to her that I would not reveal this to anyone. However, now that we are living closer to and see these siblings more often their behavior that springs from these incidents is more evident. The brother is 7 years sober after decades of alcoholism, but the sister seems to be imploding, mostly from poor choices she has made in parenting and life style.
My spouse is one to constantly analyze people and their actions and I am just biting through my tongue wishing i could explain the source of much of these behaviors.
Moreover, I wish I could reach out to my sisterinlaw and tell her I know and to maybe give her courage to seek counseling, confront the issue and maybe take it off her shoulders.

I am living with the same 'family secrets" issues which came to light right after my late wife crossed over. I have shot off my mouth to a few of the family members so now NOBODY is speaking to me. My late wife's oldest daughter was "molested" (don't know all the details) by her aunt's 1st husband and is now an alcoholic who cannot keep a man or husband. My late wife's sister was raped by a neighbor kid and has kept that a secret from everyone including her current husband but told me (for some strange reason). She just survived throat cancer! I would do whatever I can for these obviously damaged women/girls BUT, since I am basically an outsider, there isn't much I can do and I am now on everyone's sh*t list for opening my big mouth about what I consider a grave issue in THEIR family.
I learned just enough about psychology to now understand the peculiar and emotionally strange nature of my late wife's family but have no power to help anyone to heal those old, unhealed and unresolved traumas - and I won't be surprised if I find a few more hidden traumas if I cared to look a little deeper. After a little emotional therapy and began asking questions of my relatives, I discovered some disturbing "secrets" in my own family so there it is - hmmm, I wonder what's next?

Or, should I just keep biting...?

Do whatever you believe is right. I am pretty much done with my late wife's family and mine as well. Denial is the second most powerful force in nature topped only by DELUSION. It is a very rare and courageous person who will sincerely look for help and maybe find a useful and honest counselor to help them face the truth and resolve their pain.