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We are seeing a counselor, because H thinks this marriage can be saved. I do not share his optimism.
In our sessions we are encouraged to talk about things that bother us. I wanted to know why he doesn't touch me the way a loving partner would when we're being intimate, which seems odd over the course of a 23 year relationship. I speculated it might be that he's not all that attracted to me.
He said I'm ugly and I look like a witch. Actually, what he said was I looked like Carol Kane in "The Princess Bride."
Now I find myself unwilling to be even partially, much less fully, unclothed around him. He slept with me all those years, apparently disgusted with the way I look but never saying a word. Silently judging.
My father, who was jealous of his own children, used to call us Ugly #1 and Ugly #2, after Cinderella's ugly stepsisters.
Apparently I have sought out the familiar old relationship dynamic without even realizing it. How does one go about breaking the pattern?
Without the fright makeup Carol Kane is actually quite beautiful. There's so much going on here that my head spins.
I have been asked by H to stop posting anonymously online about anything that concerns him.
The topic of this thread was my worry about repeating a relationship dynamic and getting help in breaking it -- without making judgments about who is "good" and who is "bad." I contend that the events that occasioned this worry happened to me and I have every right to discuss them with whoever I choose.
What's your take? Should I comply with his demand?
No, I do not think he has a right to impose this on you. Posting and sharing may be saving your soul. I too live in a committed relationship with my husband. He can be charming, entertaining, cruel, hateful and mean. It is difficult at times to have your soul constantly being chipped away by verbal abuse.
Coming on CD helps me very much deal with this. There are those who say awful things about my posts and I immediately block them. They know who they are.
First of all, I'd get a divorce I guess. Then learn to respect yourself. Cut anyone who treats your poorly out of your life. This includes family and friends of both genders and all ages.
What an easy peasy solution. Sometimes divorce isn't easily had, the other party would seek revenge and clean you out, leaving you destitute. That would be my situation.
So you try to work it out, deal with your situation, create barriers and methods of dealing with the abuse. If you are older like I am it makes it doubly hard.
I didn't respond to it at all. I am at the stage in the process of emotionally detaching myself where I can't see the point of expressing hurt or letting him see that his bomb had scored a hit. If he meant to be cruel, he'll be denied the satisfaction of a reaction.
I can step back now and see that we have been living out the same script, over and over. He behaves in a cold manner -- he ignores me while I'm choking on a piece of food or refuses to help when my car breaks down or sends me on a 150 mile fool's errand -- then when I bring these things up to him later, he denies or "can't remember" they ever happened and watches my increasing frustration, bewilderment and tears.
I think post-divorce I will have to find a therapist who can help me break both this marital script and the familial dynamic.
This is partly why I refuse to marry or get involved with anyone at any level. I may not learn from my mistakes, but I'd prefer not to make them in the first place .
No, I do not think he has a right to impose this on you. Posting and sharing may be saving your soul. I too live in a committed relationship with my husband. He can be charming, entertaining, cruel, hateful and mean. It is difficult at times to have your soul constantly being chipped away by verbal abuse.
Coming on CD helps me very much deal with this.
Exactly. Exactly. When I have to bottle all this up inside I feel like my head will explode.
People can be cruel, hateful and mean on C-D, too, as you point out. If you need to talk, feel free to contact me privately at any time or send email to my gmail address.
No disrespect OP but your husband sounds like a total jerk. Please leave this guy.
So simplistic. Sometimes it is not possible.
We sacrifice our selves for our security sometimes.
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