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Old 06-09-2017, 07:56 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,780,426 times
Reputation: 6561

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I can certainly relate. 20 years ago I was a lot more social and had a lot more friends. Most of them have gotten married and have kids and no longer speak to me. I'm divorced with no kids. I'm completely alone. You're lucky you at least have your husband and a small circle of friends. Imagine being an introvert and disliking small talk and rarely finding topics you're interested in. I like to talk about movies, music, books, psychology, and yes, sports. I don't find people to talk about these things either except sports, BUT they seem to love basketball or hockey or some other sport I don't like and can't talk about either. Anyway, count your blessings. I do think as we get older we make less effort, but speaking for myself, I still try to make an effort because I'm tired of being lonely all the time. People are shallow and life is difficult, in my opinion.
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Old 06-09-2017, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,780,426 times
Reputation: 6561
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Get a retail job at a shop you enjoy. Volunteer - I'd shoot for a museum. Garden and join a gardening group. Join a book group or a writing group. Find an interest and start cultivating it. Attend lectures at a local university - NJ has amazing colleges and universities. Take some classes at your community college. Hike - there are some lovely spots in NJ and the surrouding states.

I'm 41, grew up in NJ, and I can count on one hand the number of conversations I've had with my many female friends about hair or clothes in the past year. Health and politics come up frequently. But mostly we are discussing what movies we want to watch, what we're reading, our pets, our jobs, our hobbies. You kinda need to get over yourself - you've classified "women" as being interested in a set list of things and set yourself apart as "different" which is just ridiculous. You know what I'm into? Books. I have an entire basement that is full of books that I hoard like Smaug hoards gold. Oh, and dogs. I have a really awesome dog.

You are not that rare of a creature - sorry. Now go out and try to make a connection with another person without assuming you know what they are into.
Good post. Great conversation topics. I can relate, especially on the books and pets.
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Old 06-12-2017, 10:17 AM
 
4,178 posts, read 3,379,473 times
Reputation: 9127
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I haven't really heard of a woman who is a homemaker/housewife, does not have a career path or job, has no children, is in her 40's (or 30's).....

Or older.

I am one. Always been on the outside of things. You either get used to being on the outside, or force yourself to change, the latter of which never worked all that well for me.

I sorta kinda had a career path, though, decades ago. Didn't require leaving the house much, and I didn't leave it; it left me.

At parties, I like to talk about food, home improvement, music, food, gardening, and food.
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Old 06-12-2017, 08:42 PM
 
1,881 posts, read 3,345,725 times
Reputation: 3912
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndCatsForAll View Post
Another birthday has come and gone and I'm feeling a bit down. It's not an age thing but I still feel like an outsider. I am a 40+ woman. Happily married- amazingly. I have a limited number of friends so it seems like I shouldn't complain. I did very very well in university etc etc., but I don't fit the mold yet. I figured I'd conform at some point in my life and thought that would make everything easier but it hasn't happened. Now I feel like- though I like who I am- I'm so quiet around other people. I can't relate to them. Men talk about sports and cars and politics. Women talk about hair and clothes, health issues and politics. Health issues are noteworthy to me but I couldn't care less about materialism, make-up, sports and cars. All those discussions sound like gobbledygook to me.

Am I doomed to never feel a connection again? Is it just going to be me and the tiny circle I have for the next few decades before I bite the dust? I'm outgoing. I'm an extrovert but these topics... I can't speak to them whatsoever. I can't even feign interest and I don't know how to find people who aren't so consumed by these things.
I too, find people a bit tough to take. When I was married I hated that purdah-sort of tendency that would naturally occur in social settings, where the women take to the kitchen and talk about babies and clothes and the men would be in the living room talking about politics and cars. Hated that. Hated being married, for that reason and many others. I just felt shoved into a role that was gonna knock all the gnarly edges off me and I wanted to KEEP those edges.

Now that I am older I can take things much more in my stride. I am still gnarly and I wouldn't change that for the world.
I am just gonna throw something out there- find something that makes you unique, that makes you you. That only you can do. Take up a hobby or take a class. I know that sounds like such typical advice, but just like "drink water" it gets lost in the exotica of other solutions. Simple can be best. Good luck.
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Old 06-12-2017, 09:14 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,322,103 times
Reputation: 43047
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
But she is different~. (in being a homemaker in her 40's without a career or job outside the home, and no children; it's not a frequent situation) I don't mean to be adversarial, but I've read your list of activities to do in life about 12 billion times before on City-Data Forums. And each time of the 12 billion times the activities are described as if they've never been thought of before or never described before.

She is not different in what she wishes to talk about, as many women have conversational interests she shares.

There maybe is something about NJ and women's roles....
I post them because they're what worked for me - it's suggestions not a static list of activities that people must do. And I have plenty of other friends who have other things they're into unconnected to what I do. One friend fosters kittens, others take horseback riding lessons, a buddy of mine kind of randomly became involved at a local meditation center and leads some of the sessions - never would have seen that coming in a million years, frankly. My friend's mother is a very introverted housewife in NJ who does large animal rescue and used to volunteer with charities for homeless children in the years after her kids had grown up and moved out. Another married and child-free friend had a successful career and retired in her 30s. She does animal rescue, rides, gardens and is generally a fascinating person.

Being a child-free housewife has very little to do with failing to make a connection with other people when you WANT to make that connection. The barriers she has put up for herself are fairly artificial and can be surmounted. Pick an interest and join a group related to it. Be friendly and open and don't make assumptions about people. I spent the first part of my life fully convinced I was too odd to fit in anywhere - I thought I was a complete freak show. And then I relaxed a little and voila - I found a number of places where I fit in just fine.
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Old 06-12-2017, 10:18 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 25,041,229 times
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I'm like the OP. I don't feel a lot of commonality with friends and I don't really care about some things most of my women friends talk about. I don't have a friends that I can discuss things that interest me; most of my friends are in religious bubbles and don't keep up with current events or anything intellectually interesting.

Luckily, I have DH who tolerates my restlessness and my irritation with having to make food to take places. At least the people I know share my value system! I've been in a place where my values were not the norm. So, I do have that to be thankful for.

One of the things I have done is to join a book group. I meet different women and I get to read books I might not have chosen for myself, so I enjoy that.

I also think posting here is helpful for me. I do express opinions I might not express as freely in my daily life. And we at C-D do share viewpoints often in our posts.

I don't really have a solution for what you are feeling; I deal with this myself. I am not sure that we are all that unique in our feelings either.
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