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Old 12-23-2018, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
19,840 posts, read 13,071,329 times
Reputation: 26266

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SammyJ7 View Post
I searched for the best thread to put my reply on and I guess its this one.....

I sometimes wonder if some poeple do not have the ability to forgive.... I was very good friend with a guy and I could be myself with him..... (He didnt mind if I swore on email and his voicemail and what not) One day I was mad and I tried to call his house and I swore on his answering maching @ home.... (I figured he wouldnt mind I guess as he didnt mind me doing that in private with him (Being myself)) -- I guess his wife was scared of my message........

This happend in 2000...... I have since apologised to her and she accepted my apology (She is a teacher) but this guy hasnt and it makes me sad.... I love him so much,he is a good friend.....


I just tried to call him and say Merry Christmas where he works (I hadnt talked to him in a couple years) and he nicely said "You have been told many times to not contact me.... do not" and he hung up.... (Nicest he has been since this happend)


Makes me sad........ I feel terrible I violated his private space BUT IT WAS A MISTAKE/MISJUDGEMENT and I apologised for it.... I think he needs to let it go......... Its been almost 20 years
Oh, sweetie, YOU need to let this go. You have not forgiven yourself. Let it go. Donít use objectionable language in situations where you donít know how it will be received. But youíve learned that already, right?

Leave that guy alone though. Please.
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Old 12-23-2018, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Southern California
20,594 posts, read 6,861,207 times
Reputation: 13874
One can forgive as best they can, totally maybe not. Depends on the situation.

My ex hurt me gravely when he left for another gal, but I like how my life has turned out, learned and experienced so much not married to him. We were mismatched but I never saw it in the early years of the marriage.
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Old 12-23-2018, 11:24 PM
 
Location: Texas
7,482 posts, read 2,778,745 times
Reputation: 15933
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
If we hurt someone and we apologize we are not owed forgiveness nor are we obligated to forgive. There are times when the choice not to forgive is a healthier choice. Sometimes people want forgiveness for the wrong reasons and others who think forgiveness is the only way to move forward.
.
I agree with this, completely. A person does not have to forgive to move on with their life, contrary to popular opinion.

People who choose not to forgive aren't necessarily eaten up with bitterness, either. They may be doing just fine!

The goody two-shoes "I'm so much better than you because I forgive" crowd need to stop preaching to everyone else and move on with their lives, too.
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Old 12-24-2018, 10:04 AM
 
41 posts, read 4,327 times
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Thank you for your kind words about this everyone..... And Jamin. I am so sorry he did that to you but I guess it turned out ok........
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Old 12-24-2018, 10:24 AM
 
3,547 posts, read 1,782,708 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
If the issue is this one mistake with this friend, you really have to grieve the loss of the relationship and let it go.
Basically. I wouldn't call this person a friend, though. This seems like such a minor thing to hold a grudge over. I've forgiven people who aren't even close to me who have done worse. I had a "friend" once do something pretty terrible because I was honest with them about something. I knew our "friendship" wasn't strong and I knew my honesty was going to be the litmus test. I hated that I was right. If I sit back and think about true friends...I've probably had two my entire life. Everyone else was some level of acquaintance. Perhaps my standard of friendship is too high. Most people find out who's really in their corner when times get tough.
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Old 12-24-2018, 10:38 AM
 
2,776 posts, read 1,216,470 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treemoni View Post
Basically. I wouldn't call this person a friend, though. This seems like such a minor thing to hold a grudge over. I've forgiven people who aren't even close to me who have done worse. I had a "friend" once do something pretty terrible because I was honest with them about something. I knew our "friendship" wasn't strong and I knew my honesty was going to be the litmus test. I hated that I was right. If I sit back and think about true friends...I've probably had two my entire life. Everyone else was some level of acquaintance. Perhaps my standard of friendship is too high. Most people find out who's really in their corner when times get tough.
I had a friend who I thought was a good friend until she started making decisions about our art group behind my back that impacted my budget and my time and when I talked to her about it my husband could hear her screaming at me on the phone from upstairs. True friends make boo boos too, but there are times when they can cross a line and we realize we are DONE. However in your case you already didn't feel it was a strong friendship and wanted to test it and end it, which is a whole different ball of wax.
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Old 12-24-2018, 10:42 AM
 
3,547 posts, read 1,782,708 times
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No, I don't test people. That's manipulative behavior. I shared my feelings about a situation they felt was none of my business. Fair. But I am not that friend who is going to hold my tongue to keep the peace. We are not friends if that's one of your unspoken conditions. And I don't get angry at people if they have such conditions. It just means we aren't compatible.
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Old 12-24-2018, 10:56 AM
 
2,776 posts, read 1,216,470 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treemoni View Post
No, I don't test people. That's manipulative behavior. I shared my feelings about a situation they felt was none of my business. Fair. But I am not that friend who is going to hold my tongue to keep the peace. We are not friends if that's one of your unspoken conditions. And I don't get angry at people if they have such conditions. It just means we aren't compatible.
Sorry I didn't mean to imply that. I agree with you, one should be able to be true to self and share a concern or viewpoint.
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Old 12-25-2018, 08:54 AM
 
Location: minnesota
5,576 posts, read 1,813,696 times
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I had trouble with self forgiveness too. I told myself that I forgave others but that really wasn't true as I hung onto EVERYTHING like their was a quiz coming up or something. I started to try and understand why people had hurt me and, in that understanding, started to realize how to let stuff go. I made everything about me and took things personally and that's not reality. How people act is about them and their pain and how I acted toward others is my pain.

I also had developed caricatures in my mind to represent myself and others. I would take one single data point and build an entire person around one incident or a very few. A person is more than a few of their actions in one point in time. Real people learn and grow. Real people do stupid things sometimes and amazing things other times.

It wasn't until I really learned what forgiveness means that I realized there was nothing to forgive. It's just humans acting like humans. I'm no better than anyone else so the same rules apply to me.
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Old 12-29-2018, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
19,840 posts, read 13,071,329 times
Reputation: 26266
Quote:
Originally Posted by L8Gr8Apost8 View Post
I had trouble with self forgiveness too. I told myself that I forgave others but that really wasn't true as I hung onto EVERYTHING like their was a quiz coming up or something. I started to try and understand why people had hurt me and, in that understanding, started to realize how to let stuff go. I made everything about me and took things personally and that's not reality. How people act is about them and their pain and how I acted toward others is my pain.

I also had developed caricatures in my mind to represent myself and others. I would take one single data point and build an entire person around one incident or a very few. A person is more than a few of their actions in one point in time. Real people learn and grow. Real people do stupid things sometimes and amazing things other times.

It wasn't until I really learned what forgiveness means that I realized there was nothing to forgive. It's just humans acting like humans. I'm no better than anyone else so the same rules apply to me.
Yes. Often, what we perceive as a personal slight is simple human cluelessness.

And I do believe that self forgiveness is tied to forgiveness of others, as you mention.

There is a Jewish proverb that says ďto understand is to forgive.Ē

I do believe it is best to forgive when you can. I do not believe I am obligated to forgive wrongs not done to me. I view the act of forgiveness as a personal act. And it is an act not spoken of, but a thing done quietly. Personally, I think the world needs more forgiveness.
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