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I have gone through a few rough moments in the past two years -- one was my divorce and the adjustment period, and now my best friend is moving to Europe.
I am an immigrant to the US and don't have family here. About ten years ago I was flourishing- I was happily married, was surrounded by friends and was just enjoying life. Then, with the divorce other things happened - my group of friends kind of dissolved - some moved, some got married, had children and are busy with their lives.
For the first time in my life I am spending so much time living alone. I am aware of my blessings- I have a nice apartment, two cats, and quite enough free time. But very often I find myself in my apartment, working on a project for school or work and I get panic attacks at the idea of what if this is forever? And I really miss sharing my day with someone, and I really wish I could fall asleep cuddling with someone. I do think that I get depressed when I am at home by myself.
Two weeks ago I returned from a trip in Asia and coming back I realized that I had an awesome time over there- I had met some cool people on couchsurfing and hung out with them, went on road trips, shared meals, cooked together. It was a blast! Now I am back to reality, and I feel alone and lonely and I hate it.
They say one should enjoy their own company and should enjoy being alone. I am trying really hard to be happy while I'm alone; I try to listen to happy music and think positive, but I feel like I'm lying to myself.
It doesn't sound like you are that type of person.
You know one of the ingredients in the recipe for living well and a long time is a sense of community and family. You just have to rebuild it where you are now.
I'm busy most of the time and don't think about it. I agree with the poster above: if it really bothers you, start socializing more with the goal of building some close friendships.
marketa - sorry you're struggling right now. I had a similar experience many years ago of leaving a romantic relationship while one friend got married and moved outside the city and another friend got transferred across the county. All of a sudden 3 of my closest people were no longer part of my regular life. It was kind of shocking.
A few things -- we do live in a mobile world and people will come and go from your life as they do for most people. We have to adapt to that reality. Meetup.com is a great tool for expanding your social life. I'd also recommend figuring out a volunteer activity that interests you...whether volunteering at a museum, or with Big Brother/Big Sister or at an animal rescue, etc. It's rewarding to do that and is much appreciated by those receiving the benefit of your efforts. An extra bonus is that you meet people who share that interest which gives you something in common with them immediately.
The reality is that we have to create the life that we want. It's up to each of us. Good luck, you'll be fine if you keep at it.
You sound like you're fairly socially adept. That means, as others have suggested here, it's time to build a community. Because you seem to enjoy travel, perhaps seek out others who are into the same thing?
I enjoy being alone, but I've built a community that supports me. I'm taking care of my dad who has dementia, and my friends have been incredibly supportive. It's wonderful. Yet if you give me a cup of tea, a good book and an afternoon on the couch, I'm basically in heaven.
I think what you should do is a two-part effort. One part of that is to make plans to meet other people with similar interests or maybe other immigrants - the moving to another country would be a point of commonality that could be built upon. Most of my friends who are immigrants have other friends who are also immigrants, though not necessarily from the same country. Their shared experience of building a life in a strange place was a great starting point. Meetup.com is always useful, but just getting out to events that you enjoy can open up doorways.
The other part of that is to simply look for things you like to do alone. Transitioning from married to divorced is hard. You go from having someone around all the time to being entirely on your own. I read and I have a bullet journal. I also like to cook and garden. I like to run when the weather is right and I'm not dealing with one of my clumsiness-related injuries.
Meditation has also been helpful for me, but I use it to deal with things like anxiety, depression and stress. It's a private thing for me and has a very specific purpose. One of my buddies has found it to be a social activity - he started going to a meditation center on a regular basis, and now leads the meditation group. I refer to him jokingly as a cult leader (for some reason he's not amused?). But that may be a way to start building a community.
Best of luck to you - I think this is a very surmountable problem. You seem like an interesting and intelligent person.
In my old age, I'm realizing that the perfect state to strive for is "content."
Being happy is kind of on the manic scale lol. There's happy! Then there's sad. They're kind of extremes.
I was the oldest of a big family, then moved away and into the hippy culture with tons of people always coming and going from my house with my BF, then got married, had a kid...it was so hard for me when I finally ended up alone. It was so uncomfortable for me to be alone, that I had some bad relationships, just to fill the void - before I learned what my "rules" were regarding relationships.
It took a long time before I was actually happy - or content - with my own company. And now that I am, for the most part, I actually have a hard time compromising my time with anyone else. Spending time with other people is now a bit tiring for me. It involves doing things I may not really want to do, or compromising on how long things take to do, etc.
I highly suggest getting a pet. I have a dog. And although there are things about having a pet that are inconvenient, a pet can give you comfort and company, which may at least help keep you from getting into desperate types of relationships :-)
Think about all of the things that are good about being without your SO. You know there are things you don't miss. Revel in not having to deal with those things anymore.
This doesn't mean that you won't entertain the idea of getting seriously involved again. I would not do so for all the tea in China now that I've learned how much I love being the Queen of my apartment and life.
But, I remember thinking about the kind of SO I would ideally want, and the kind of woman that man would want. That man would not have wanted a desperate, lonely woman. So, I started working on honestly being okay with who I was, on my own. And ironically, I ended up deciding I didn't want another man after all LOL.
At any rate, I suggest trying to become content with yourself, get busy doing group things, and try to enjoy how great it is not to have to try to sleep next to someone who hogs the sheets and snores.
Hi all!...........How does one become happy with being alone?
Well first of all, realize that you are asking two different things here. Being alone is one thing, being lonely is another......and being lonely is a pain, sucks, all the bad things.
That said, I'm not sure if there is a way to being happy with being alone unless one is preconditioned to be like that in first place. One thing I would say not to do is to feel sorry for one's self because that leads to being lonely.
Two things with the first one being to build bridges of relationships, seek out people, so one isn't faced with the situation of "what if this is forever?"
That is the situation I was looking at in the late 90s when Mom and I would go to visit my grand aunt and I realized that this was often the most my social life is. What was I going to do when Mom and my aunt were gone? So I started building bridges to avoid that.
I haven't been perfect at it; it is unlikely that someone will show up out at the ranch to stop by for coffee and talk. I do have friends who know me, who worry about me.......even my broker called up about me when the region was hit with floods. I belly dance (and that is a heck of a community), I volunteer, I use the post office a lot, I interact with people as much as I can such as using the checkout with the cashier, not with a machine.
Like others have said, being alone and being lonely are two different things. I have a high need for alone-ness, so I'm comfortable with a lot of it, more than most people I've met. But loneliness, which I've also felt at various times in my life, is painful.
It sounds like you're going through a rough transition period where your friend is leaving, and you need some new people around you. It can be hard to meet good friends depending on your situation, especially when you really want to. It's so much easier when you just sort of fall into easy companionship with someone you have daily contact with, like at school. If that isn't happening, it can seem like it's impossible to meet people. Hence the loneliness.
I don't have much to add other than what others have said, but good luck! You sound social and friendly, and it will happen, even if it's hard right now.
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