Can't understand... (dating, woman, college, generation)

[NY_refugee87]

I'll try to make this as short and blunt as possible...
I decided psychology over relationships to spare cliche cutesie tootsie phrases.

I can't understand this whole mentality around dating.

What I don't understand is why the baby fever, the need to be married within a year or 2 and the sleeping around...

I have no problems meeting women +/- 5 years my age but I can't understand their logic and reason... to me it seems a HUGE majority have an issue pertaining to the need to fill a void.

I do not par take in one night stands. I don't have the desire to risk my health, or an unwanted kid. Nor have I ever had the desire to brag about how many notches are on my bed post. I find it sleazy and cheap. I've spent years between relationships and never had a one night stand.

I don't get it... maybe I'm old fashioned.

What I also don't understand, is why my priorities would have to change. I can give examples through past relationships and when discussing this with potential dates.

Doesn't make sense then again I'm not dependent upon others for happiness and fulfilment... Nor am I controlled by emotion, logic yes. Emotion. No.

Spent 3-1/2 years in my past relationship that progressively got worse. And after interacting with women in my age range I'm almost convinced they only live in the here and now and do not give any thought into their future, driven by materialistic gain, social status, and social media...

I can understand and appreciate standards... but some of them are ridiculous, and are double standards at that.
Seems you can't have any bills, vehicle has to be new +/-3 years and paid for, gainfully employed, your own residency, a large circle of friends, moved on from an ex, have a crazy budget for traveling/vacations, plenty of free time, and strong connection to family.

Most every woman I've met has recently within the past 2/3 months, got out of a serious relationship lasting more than a year or 2, moved back in with their family, have outstanding debt be it medical school or credit card, her family is a priority and should be for you as well, has been divorced, or never married and have kid (s) from a previous relationship, cars are trashed inside looks like a garbage truck.
And after talking and meeting up a few times, want to invite you or you invite them over... worse if alcohol is involved. I call it bed to wed.

What's funny, is the claim of being independent when they're far from it.
Sad but there's no middle ground. You're either hooking up, or expected to propose within a year... and move in together within a couple of months... no going with the flow of things and learning about each other... Mention the word prenuptial agreement they cut and run. Shows me they have no desire to be with me for me, just my assets.

Seems like there's a competition amongst this generation to see who can get married and have kids first, and rely on others for happiness... a bad trend/social norm that brews toxic relationships where copious amounts of Effexor are needed and social media required to enjoy each other...

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked if I have twitter, snap chat, Facebook, pinterest etc... I just respond bluntly, no I had plenty of attention when I was a child I don't need that crap. You must be silly to think if I care what others think of me.

Rarely use Facebook as it is... put something up and old highschool and college friends "oh must be nice" yeah it is nice actually... I didn't burden myself with College debt, I didn't go chasing anything with flesh and legs and wind up with a mouth to feed or a disease, or rush a relationship to wind up divorced and paying for it literally...

So what has changed and why?

[Curmudgeon]

I can't answer your question but based upon what you wrote I'd venture the guess that your woman-picker is broken.

[zentropa]

Hmmm. Something tells me the problem isn't the fault of all women. You apparently get offended and insulting when people want to friend you on FB. You also seem to hate everyone who does not live their life free of emotion like you do.

Just out of curiosity, why did your ex want out of the relationship?

[the minx]

You seem really bitter. I don't think it's external forces that are causing your problems.

[NY_refugee87]

Originally Posted by zentropa

Hmmm. Something tells me the problem isn't the fault of all women. You apparently get offended and insulting when people want to friend you on FB. You also seem to hate everyone who does not live their life free of emotion like you do.

Just out of curiosity, why did your ex want out of the relationship?

I don't get offended when I'm friended. Nor insulted. What I have grown tired of is friends I had since highschool and college, who made poor decisions are envious and have to make statements like Oh must be nice to have _____ must be nice to be able to do _____. I never did that to others who became successful in their ventures earlier than me. Example being a friend of mine who took a big gamble and opened his own business with his own money. I never said oh must be nice... I was congratulatory and happy for them that their hard work paid off and that they stuck to their plans of making their dream come true.

I don't hate anyone.

Ex wanted out of the relationship for the following. (Trying to spare the long story)

1. Felt abandoned. I worked around the clock she 9-5 at 10 per hour could barely keep her car on the road. I owned my house outright. I paid all of the bills bought all of the groceries. She never was able to contribute. I had given her money on numerous occasions to be able to put gas in her car and have money to get lunch. Bringing a sandwich or leftovers from dinner was beneath her...

2. Insecurity. Accused me of cheating even went as far as showing up to my job at 7-9pm on multiple occasions out of disbelief. When in fact her younger brother caught her cheating on me. In the end everything I had been accused of, she was caught red handed/guilty of.

3. In the beginning she adored everything about me. We met at a race track she was in the pits with her friends and I was working on my stock car. She kept showing up and initiate contact with me every time. When time went on I'd catch her brag to her friends and family how swell I was, I raced stock cars, had a boat, snowmobiles, quads, dirt bikes, was going to take her hunting...
It progressed to you should sell this or that. I hate snowmobiling it's cold I hate the cold! When the first year she couldn't wait to go up to tug hill...
Then sell the stock car you spend more time and money on that than you do me.
You need to get rid of the quads you're dangerous on those things. (I had miles worth of trails that had jumps and banked corners I didn't put put along, I'd fly)
She loved the boat until she hated that too... used to take her little brother with us and take him tubing and taught him how to wake board. He was an outcast had few friends. Rather than see him couped up on a video game I always asked him if he'd like to tag along. She loved that at first too until she made statements like I'd rather spend time with him instead of her...
I'm sorry... kids shouldn't be couped up indoors to rot and get fat on junkfood...
Wasn't like I did this kind of thing every weekend...

4. I wasn't trusted to have a social life... every time I'd go to a friend's ship to help them on their project or their stock car she had to be there... and God forbid if I went with friends anywhere especially to a bar...

5. Always prying into my life. What's wrong, you're quiet! was the most common question I would hear. What's wrong? Im tired/exhausted. No no there's something bothering you or are you hiding something from me? Be busy at work get bombarded with texts and I'd reply some of the times. The place I worked at had a very strict cell phone policy with harsh consequences including getting fired. A simple "I'm busy I'll call/text at lunch" wasn't good enough.
She lost her job for getting caught on her phone on company time once. But did get another and better paying job shortly thereafter. She had a self entitled personality and played the victim all of the time...

6. Had baby fever wanted marraige within 6 months of moving in, despite me telling her straight up don't expect it to happen right away...

That's why it ended...

I see alot of her traits common place...

Therefore I'm confused. The biggest red flag is the urgency/need of marraige and having kids... Doesn't make sense to me... why give up going and doing fun things for that? At a young age? Doesn't make sense... or go to the other extreme which is common and that is being fickle and wanting a no strings attached/friends with benefits type deal...

[zentropa]

Hm. I get the impression that you are not the best judge of your own character, as you contradict yourself pretty blatantly. Therefore it is hard to buy into your version of the truth.

Originally Posted by NY_refugee87

I don't get offended when I'm friended. Nor insulted.

Originally Posted by NY_refugee87

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked if I have twitter, snap chat, Facebook, pinterest etc... I just respond bluntly, no I had plenty of attention when I was a child I don't need that crap. You must be silly to think if I care what others think of me.

[NY_refugee87]

It's not projection, it's a legitimate observation of mine.

Still can't understand the extremes the hurry up get married settle down and the fickle one night stand ordeal... no take time and grow to appreciate and learn one another and enjoy each other...

[Ruth4Truth]

How old are you? What part of the US do you live in? Age and geographic location (local culture) have a bearing on the questions you're asking. I'm not familiar with a culture where women (apparently) have nothing going for them in life, so they're in a hurry to marry and have kids, because there's nothing else to do. I've heard of places like that, but where I'm from, that doesn't happen. Maybe you should relocate? Or try meeting women through some sort of professional networking, conferences, and the like?

[NY_refugee87]

Originally Posted by zentropa

Hm. I get the impression that you are not the best judge of your own character, as you contradict yourself pretty blatantly. Therefore it is hard to buy into your version of the truth.

What that I don't need to shun others as if I'm owed something as they have?

OR as if I'm in a competition against them?

The way I perceive it, it is envy when old friends have to say things like oh must be nice...

The use of other social media sources to me is seeking approval/attention. I only use Facebook to stay in touch with family and friends... the other stuff I don't see a need for unless I were seeking validation and attention...

[zentropa]

Wow, you totally missed the point. You ARE NOT A RELIABLE NARRATOR.