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That's great that you have an online friend,my gosh there are so many great things to enjoy books,films,articles,documentaries,cosy things,tea and cake,are you passionate about anything?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Griffis
The problem isn't temporary, but there are attempts underway to moderate it with medicine and PT intended to retain my fine motor skills.
I have bad days and not-so-bad days. I simply don't think too far into the future. But if I get to the point where I can't drive or am wheelchair bound or require care, I consider myself done.
It's stable for now, as am I.
Really, I'm realizing the hardest part of this is not having a companion. I feel as though even if I could find someone special who could see past my physical deficiencies to want to spend time with me, I would just be inflicting myself on them and holding them back.
Unless I move (and I eventually will) I can't even have pets at the moment.
The worst aspect of all this to me is coming to awareness of the fact that I'm just not needed anymore. I have always been a caregiver and a helper. Now nobody needs me. I'm more in the way than anything, but for now I'm still holding my own, pulling my weight and finding some enjoyment in the days. My sense of humor is intact and I have made friends online with someone very sweet and wonderful, and we talk a lot. I just wouldn't want to become burdensome to that person or anyone else.
I don't usually get to this level of personal info, but when my dad was in the ICU they had him sedated and he had a breathing tube put in to help him breath. He was detoxing from alcohol and antidepressants and every time they tried to bring him out of sedation he was very hostile and violent and had to be restrained. Well one time he was able to reach and pull out his breathing tube even though he was restrained and he had in his paperwork to not reinsert things or take measure to save his life and I forget the exact wording but that was basically it. They never reinserted the breathing tube because of that and he died a day or two later from complications of that.
The thing that I struggle with was that a conscious move on his part, did he want to die?? Or was it just a lizard brain type of thing because those things are really uncomfortable and he was just grabbing at it.
My gut thinks that it might have been on purpose so that he could end it, unfortunately, I'll never really know for sure.
My mom died in hospice care and was suffering from brain cancer. I never really got to have a real conservation with her because while she was awake and somewhat cognitive she would answer yes to the same question, no matter how it was framed. She lost some level of cognitive ability but she had some and still recognized me, but I could never connect with her and get a sense of where and how she was feeling.
Both my parents died in ways that left me with unknowns.
That's great that you have an online friend,my gosh there are so many great things to enjoy books,films,articles,documentaries,cosy things,tea and cake,are you passionate about anything?
I met my online friend right here. We don't live close, but she is a wonderful soul and I think we help each other. Very special to me. The things she has been through make my troubles seem miniscule, yet she is kind and strong and has grace. She is an inspiration.
Yes, I am passionate, and curious, about many things. I still love music and the arts, my daughters, making friends, being in nature, seeing new places and hopefully spreading joy.
I know I'm not done yet. I live day by day. I'm trying to embrace being alone without succumbing to loneliness. Now I have help with that. I feel purposeful.
So from 7-25-2017 when you wrote the original post to start this thread you've gone from hoping your life will be over soon and "seeing no point in going on", and having no purpose...... to what you wrote today Aug 10, a little more than 2 weeks later, in post #93? Apparently, yes.
You could learn from this that you do have mood swings - and then know that what you are feeling at any given point in time is most likely part of your mood swings. It's helpful to be aware of this, so then you can tell yourself that you'll feel a bit better tomorrow or soon, and that you're in a mood which will change.
Last edited by matisse12; 08-10-2017 at 04:15 PM..
There was a time when I thought about what there was left in life after all the recent changes. It's a big world. I hear lake Baikal is beautiful and intend to see for myself. I also intend to go to Australia and find the biggest kangaroo I can, walk up to him and slap him in the face.
Just to see if I can get away with it. You only live once so you have to take chances.
I think your kangaroo adventure plan probably will end very badly for you, if you try it IRL. I have no first-hand experience with them, but understand they are quite strong and will give you a damn good hard kick if they get the chance, much less if provoked.
OP, I guess I am guilty of thinking of exercise and fitness as a cure-all, but, as I recall you are not in great shape by your own descriptions - you don't have to hit the gym like a wild man, even just walking a few miles every day or two would help out a lot. Can't hurt.
I'm assuming you can find some sort of exercise you can do given you walk with a cane. Even walking with a cane for even a few minutes a day might help. Or maybe aqua-aerobics, or swimming. Check with your doctor(s) of course. But if you don't use it, you lose it.
Your account of losing the ability to paint and play an instrument, things you liked to do before your accident, is a hard blow. I like to do some fine motor stuff, driving, riding a bike, shooting, fishing. If all that were taken from me I'm not sure I'd want to keep going either.
Although. We are dead soon enough and for a long time too. You can take what you can get out of life as you have it, or not. I'm not you, but I don't see your life as having a negative value, even with the limitations. A guy who could only lay in a bed, feeling pain, yeah, I could see how he might be ready to end it.
I have not checked in for a while, but thought I'd post a little story from my 90 yr old neighbor friend. She has a lot of health issues and takes a lot of
supplements, she refuses the pharma drugs. She just came out of a hip replacement at 90 and this is her 2nd, she had one at 82 when I was 72 and had mine. She rolls around on a rollator and lives on pennies, her son sends her some money to get thru her months but she has such a WILL to live...as she said to me yesterday: LIFE IS PRECIOUS...
I take a "take it or leave it" attitude to life as well. Being socially introverted and not having a lot of dating experience, when all I really want in life now is a nice wife and family, it's difficult as a male and I don't really feel all the other activities out there have any sort of fulfillment, though I realize my urges are genetic and cultural, it doesn't change them.
Of course once I had that family there's a good chance I'd want my freedom back, especially if the wife turns out to be a nightmare. Grass is always greener syndrome.. people want what they can't have or haven't experienced.
I would have made a better woman in this life. I could just do what I do and not have to put any effort into finding a mate, because the other sex has to do all the work when it comes to "cold approaching" and the like.
I do have all the tools needed to make my life amazing, including money, it's a matter of application. The types of women I'm attracted too are not all that common single and get mostly snapped up pretty early. It's a seller's market for dating and women are the commodity, and today's culture is all about experiencing everything and nonstop stimulation, whereas I'm more mellow, relaxed, and eastern in my thinking.
I take a "take it or leave it" attitude to life as well. Being socially introverted and not having a lot of dating experience, when all I really want in life now is a nice wife and family, it's difficult as a male and I don't really feel all the other activities out there have any sort of fulfillment, though I realize my urges are genetic and cultural, it doesn't change them.
Of course once I had that family there's a good chance I'd want my freedom back, especially if the wife turns out to be a nightmare. Grass is always greener syndrome.. people want what they can't have or haven't experienced.
I would have made a better woman in this life. I could just do what I do and not have to put any effort into finding a mate, because the other sex has to do all the work when it comes to "cold approaching" and the like.
I do have all the tools needed to make my life amazing, including money, it's a matter of application. The types of women I'm attracted too are not all that common single and get mostly snapped up pretty early. It's a seller's market for dating and women are the commodity, and today's culture is all about experiencing everything and nonstop stimulation, whereas I'm more mellow, relaxed, and eastern in my thinking.
My mother always said: There is a lid for every pot. I know there are MANY where I live who are very eastern in thinking, how about your area. Science of Mind philosophy is a winner in my life.
I "think" everyone should go thru marriage once and know what it's like. I did once and once only, no more of those adventures for me.
It's a seller's market for dating and women are the commodity
I might have spotted part of your problem right there.
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