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Oh yeah. I've had a few who give half-a**'d apologies after unnecessary emotional rants or just pretend like it never happened. I used to have a three-time policy before they get dumped. Now, I leave after the first time, since people who struggle with their emotions tend to not change.
I think in my case it was narcissism. Or borderline personality disorder.
I dated my friend's cousin. He kept telling me, "Ned has a problem apologizing." I took it to mean that he never accepted responsibility or something, and just blew it off. Besides, he was so cute!(I was in my early 20s at the time and didn't know any better).
One incident, we were in the car and Ned got mad at me for something. He snatches the tape out of the tape player and throws it to the back seat. And was yelling about something. So I call him later and he proceeds to yell at me, saying I snatched the tape and threw it! Huh? After that phone call I was very confused. Couple more incidents like that and we broke up.
So yea, he had a huge problem apologizing because in his reality he didn't do anything wrong. He projected his wrongdoings onto others. It was very odd to say the least. When we broke up, his family took my side because they were familiar with his behavior.
I think in my case it was narcissism. Or borderline personality disorder.
I dated my friend's cousin. He kept telling me, "Ned has a problem apologizing." I took it to mean that he never accepted responsibility or something, and just blew it off. Besides, he was so cute!(I was in my early 20s at the time and didn't know any better).
One incident, we were in the car and Ned got mad at me for something. He snatches the tape out of the tape player and throws it to the back seat. And was yelling about something. So I call him later and he proceeds to yell at me, saying I snatched the tape and threw it! Huh? After that phone call I was very confused. Couple more incidents like that and we broke up. So yea, he had a huge problem apologizing because in his reality he didn't do anything wrong. He projected his wrongdoings onto others. It was very odd to say the least. When we broke up, his family took my side because they were familiar with his behavior.
That is so interesting! Not only was he unwilling to apologize, he went further and projected his behavior onto you, stating that it was you who committed the behavior like grabbing the tape out of the tape player and throwing it to the back seat!
That qualifies as gaslighting too! (besides projection) trying to distort reality.....
Well, yes, it's also a cultural thing. Family members never say it to each other, at least not in my own family and not in my in-laws' family either.
In my family at least, we have done and said some extremely hurtful and cruel things to each other. But after the heat of the moment is over, someone is brave enough to bring up small talk, and we answer that person as if the hurtful and cruel thing never happened. And then we converse as normally with each other again until the next explosion. But before someone is brave enough to break the ice, it's incredibly awkward.
Quite frankly, I don't mind this way at all. Saying sorry is incredibly hard to say that takes a LOT of vulnerability and lowering yourself, which is why we can't bring ourselves to doing it.
Well, yes, it's also a cultural thing. Family members never say it to each other, at least not in my own family and not in my in-laws' family either.
In my family at least, we have done and said some extremely hurtful and cruel things to each other. But after the heat of the moment is over, someone is brave enough to bring up small talk, and we answer that person as if the hurtful and cruel thing never happened. And then we converse as normally with each other again until the next explosion. But before someone is brave enough to break the ice, it's incredibly awkward.
Quite frankly, I don't mind this way at all. Saying sorry is incredibly hard to say that takes a LOT of vulnerability and lowering yourself, which is why we can't bring ourselves to doing it.
Could you explain more about this?...."Quite frankly, I don't mind this way at all. Saying sorry is incredibly hard to say that takes a LOT of vulnerability and lowering yourself, which is why we can't bring ourselves to doing it."
Why do you feel this way? It seems to stem from no one in your family ever saying 'I'm sorry' or apologizing.
I have been in a past relationship with someone that had an awful temper and NEVER said he was sorry, even after blowing up over something silly. I always assumed he felt I deserved the verbal temper tantrum.
I have always wondered why he couldn't just say he was sorry .
A few times he used the " I wouldn't lose my temper if you didn't do things that make me lose it"
I think maybe the temper/verbal abuse was his way to control me and justified in his mind.
It is a narcissist/ego thing.
People who refuse to say "I'm sorry" or admit they've made a mistake will in most cases try to cover it up - or counter with, "Well, you did such-and-such..." I've had this with family members. One incident led to a big screaming match between myself and family some years ago; it got so bad the police came. The officers said that if they had to come one more time, everybody's going to jail! That shut us up! But I did use the words "narcissistic egomaniac" in my yelling.
Yes, but not all that often. But some people do not know how to admit fault. Or they do not want to admit fault. If their parents have never modeled apologizing or admitting fault, they may not understand how to do it, or even that it should be done. In a sense, they have not been taught a basic social skill.
In my opinion, social skills are modeled for children for best results. For instance, I never instructed my kids to say thank you. But because I always said it to them, they automatically learned to do this. This is the same as showing how to apologize. If I made a mistake, I apologized to them. So now they know how, because it was modeled for them. But some people never had this modeled, so they don't have this skill.
Have you experienced a person close to you who refuses to ever say 'I'm sorry' or refuses to apologize? Or rarely does so?
It's an interesting psychological phenomena, but can also be quite harmful to a relationship. Part of the refusal is because the person does not ever want to admit that he or she was wrong.
And also the person feels that he/she would lose power in the relationship by apologizing. And lose the upper hand for those who value almost always having the upper hand position.
There can also be narcissism involved in not apologizing for some people.
(I wasn't sure whether this topic would be best in Non-Romantic Relationships Forum or in this Forum, since refusing to say 'I'm sorry' can happen in both.)
This has always been what I thought. It also makes them feel like they are "less of a person" if they do.
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