I can't get forget this bad relationship (introvert, therapy, men)

[darknesssky]

I'm posting because I feel in a very dark place that I cannot leave and I am in therapy but I still feel hopeless so i'm hoping for some people who can understand the situation and give advice and no mean comments or judgement please. You can keep that to yourselves.

Four years ago I fell in love with a man who seemed amazing. I was in my last year of school and 19 years old when we started dating and by then i'd had a crush on him for a year and he was popular while I was an introvert and a loner, typical cliché high school-movie situation pretty much. I knew he had a troubled past with an on and off unstable girlfriend but I ignored this and he finally asked me out one day and the next day sent me a long letter confessing his alleged love for me. After we got into our first argument after our second date he out of nowhere told me he LOVED me (after two dates and we barely knew each other) but of course I saw nothing strange about it and was overjoyed. We kept dating. I was very naive back then, he was my first ever boyfriend and I had a history of years and years of bullying and was afraid of conflict, he noticed that early on and took advantage of it because i'd get upset when he treated me poorly and pushed me away (which he did from the start) but i'd always forget it in no time, all he had to do was turn on that perfect charm and I kept telling myself I had no right to criticize him and should be happy someone like him would even look in my direction. I believe he used me for his image which was very important to him, I am aware that the majority of his friends were into me (because of my looks since I wasn't anywhere near popular) and it was also something he'd brag about openly, that he was the one who'd gotten me.
As the relationship progressed I found out more and more about him such as treating himself and others carelessly, self-hatred, general insensitiveness, an obsession with having people like him, he even claimed once that he believes he has split personality disorder or something similar. I tried to help him to no avail. I had to leave eventually because things got so horrible and he pretty much pushed me away himself too with things he said while contradicting himself by saying he really didn't want anyone but me although he was never faithful. We had our great moments, he was good with words when he wanted to be and still no one has looked at me like he did and it's hard for me to grasp how you can fake that, we could just look into each others eyes and I can't even begin to explain that connection and how it felt like I was the only girl in the world for him... it feels silly with anyone else. I can't look into anyone elses eyes that way.
And I felt like I mattered when I was with him too, he made me feel that way.

My issue now is that as much as I hate admitting this I love this man. I have my own issues but I am a good person and everyone tells me that I was lucky to get away and that he would've driven me insane and ruined me but I feel more ruined and insane than ever WITHOUT him. I can't even FEEL anything. I'm just numb and angry and sad and I have started drinking more too. Whenever I decide to move on FOR REAL something happens, a sign that reminds me of him (like someone saying his name or I keep bumping into people who look like him) or someone who knew him comes into my life out of nowhere even. It's exhausting, it's like life won't let me forget him. It's been so long and he crosses my mind everyday... some days I just start crying because a memory randomly pops up in my head and replays over and over.
I don't know why this is happening to me? Is this normal? Can someone please explain how to stop this?

[jaminhealth]

The years tell me you are about 23. Shake yourself and be thankful to be out of the mess you talked about. Do something constructive and STOP the madness you put yourself thru.

[ClaraC]

OP, are you me???

I have the exact same story, except I wasn't bullied in school. I was kind of a quiet girl who was mousy. Not bullied, but kind of quiet.

The rest of your story is mine.

Move on, girl. You won't believe how wonderful life is if you just leave this absolute loser/handsomeguy/narcissist behind. Whew!!!

[BirdieBelle]

I cannot diagnose WHY you're doing it, but it sounds like you are having obsessive thoughts about him.

You KNOW cognitively that he is not good for you, but still your mind goes there and even looks for reasons to think about him.

This has some helpful ways to stop obsessing:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...stop-obsessing

[don1945]

Most of us who have been in your shoes can relate, and the only thing I can tell you is that TIME DOES HEAL. My divorce almost 20 years ago was really messy, and I did a lot of things that were totally out of character for me. Now, she is just someone I once knew, nothing more, nothing less.

After my divorce I met a nice lady I wanted to date and she said "Come back and ask me again in a year, because it will take that long for you to get your head straight." She was right, a year later I felt much better and could smile again.

Time will help, believe me.

[darknesssky]

Originally Posted by don1945

Most of us who have been in your shoes can relate, and the only thing I can tell you is that TIME DOES HEAL. My divorce almost 20 years ago was really messy, and I did a lot of things that were totally out of character for me. Now, she is just someone I once knew, nothing more, nothing less.

After my divorce I met a nice lady I wanted to date and she said "Come back and ask me again in a year, because it will take that long for you to get your head straight." She was right, a year later I felt much better and could smile again.

Time will help, believe me.

I'm sad to hear many people can relate but it also feels good not to be alone, thanks.

Wow what a sweet lady! Glad to hear things got better.

[oh-eve]

Time. Time. Time.


Also, make a list of all the bad stuff about him and what he did to you.


Then make a list of things you expect from a man / relationship. You will see this is the opposite of the first list.

[darknesssky]

Originally Posted by oh-eve

Time. Time. Time.


Also, make a list of all the bad stuff about him and what he did to you.


Then make a list of things you expect from a man / relationship. You will see this is the opposite of the first list.

I have done that many times already. And I have dated other men so I know what I want/need too.

It's a lot harder than that. Brain and heart can't agree.

[Sassybluesy]

Originally Posted by darknesssky

I have done that many times already. And I have dated other men so I know what I want/need too.

It's a lot harder than that. Brain and heart can't agree.

I think maybe part of the problem is that you think no one will ever look at you again like he did. No one will ever make you feel like he did, when things were good. But someone WILL come along, and they WILL look at you like that, and he will make you feel happy, content, etc.


Also, sometimes, we get addicted to the deep deep feelings and hurt. We ruminate on it, and we tell ourselves "I will never be happy again".


But here's God's truth, cause I've walked in your shoes...you CAN if you want to, and when you're ready to. At some point, you will be tired of being sad, and you will well and truly put him in the rear view mirror.


It's very normal to be feeling what you're feeling right now, so go ahead and own it and call it what it is, you are mourning the loss of a relationship.


If you have a best friend, it really IS helpful to have a gab fest with a gallon of icecream or a pitcher of margaritas, and hash it all out verbally. Sometimes getting all those emotions out verbally is a huge help.

[BirdieBelle]

It's not as if you just broke up, right OP? How long ago was this?

Originally Posted by darknesssky

It's a lot harder than that. Brain and heart can't agree.

It's really not your heart doing this. It's your brain, and you CAN stop it, if you really wanted to. I've been there.

You're getting something out of ruminating about it, so you keep doing it. When you figure out what that is, you'll quit.