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I've wondered this for a long time. My mother is a raging narcissist. Unlike a spouse or friend, you can't divorce or unfriend them. I had to live under her roof for 18 years, 18 years of misery. Since I left home, I've gone years at a time without speaking to her, only to be suckered into establishing a relationship, and the same old crap starts over again. She's 94 now and suffering from dementia so its not really much of an issue anymore.
I've always wondered if its anything like a disease, which she can't really be blamed for, or is it something where she knows deep down she's wrong and doesn't want to change.
They know they are and don't care. They truly think they are better than others, so whatever it is called it is ok.
It's like those people that justify animal abuse because people are above animals. N's justify people abuse because they are above other people. Of course they would never admit it was actually abuse, it is just the way it is, things being in their proper order.
My experience having been married to one woman with a personality disorder for 15 years and having dated a couple other women with personality disorders is that it varies by person. The tricky part is that even the ones that are aware can't always stop their behavior, it just happens before they can control it. The nice thing is that the ones that are aware usually realize and are willing to talk about it in a reasonable fashion once they've had a little time to think about things.
My experience having been married to one woman with a personality disorder for 15 years and having dated a couple other women with personality disorders is that it varies by person. The tricky part is that even the ones that are aware can't always stop their behavior, it just happens before they can control it. The nice thing is that the ones that are aware usually realize and are willing to talk about it in a reasonable fashion once they've had a little time to think about things.
True narcissists never do that. If they do talk about it they are doing so as a manipulation tactic. Other personality disorders, maybe -not narcissists, they will never ever admit to being flawed unless it is for some personal gain, or if they do they will justify whatever harm they bring.
If a narc goes to get help it will be because something they did backfired, they are damaged by it and they seek validation and for the therapist to confirm they have been victimized. It usually works because they manipulate the therapist or the bleeding heart therapist feels sorry for the narcissist.
Honestly if you have self esteem and are not codependent you should stay away from people with personality disorders. It is not like mental illness which can be treated.
Concur with the "they might know it but don't get it."
Ex is a narcissist. A good example was when he was trying to date after we broke up. He grilled me at great length on the meaning of various nonverbal cues, and did research to understand at the level of "if she does this, it means that"...and he could collect the data and try to draw conclusions from specific observations in a robotic kind of way, but he could not get the overall "vibe" that most of us can of what another person might be thinking. The main theme is that he is at all times unable to see the world through another person's eyes in his imagination. He simply can't. If it isn't his own perspective, it doesn't exist. Which means that the entire concept of empathy is a weird mystery for him. If someone is suffering, the best he can do is crack jokes until they smile or laugh, because their outward symptoms signalling "happy" ease his own discomfort. If anyone tells him of a struggle they have had, he'll search his memory banks for a time something happened to him, because the only way he can discuss it is to make it all about him or draw a very direct parallel to his own experience. He has to be the center of all attention at all times, and if someone whose attention he wants is giving it to someone else he hates them. He will later corner the person whose attention he wanted, and call the third party names and mock them. He manipulates others to try and think negatively of everyone else around them, and positively only of him and no one else. Obviously it was difficult for him to share his wife's time and energy with children. He cannot fathom that anyone else even has needs...it's not that he consciously recognizes and disregards them, he can't even contemplate them, so absorbed is he in his own.
But I always thought he was not malicious in this. It wasn't something he thought about and planned, this behavior. It's just how he is and he doesn't know how to be any other way, any more than I know how to build a rocket and go to the moon. He claims to be "self aware" now, because I have explained so much of this to him, and in an effort to help him find happiness, have tried to explain how he sabotages himself in interactions with others...but the problem is, you can explain this stuff to him until he knows it, but he still doesn't get it. Any deployment of the information will be done in a manner only intended to manipulate the outcome. You can comfort your sad partner because you care about their feelings, or because their expression of them is a nuisance and you want them to shut up. It's different, even if you're doing the same thing. An intelligent narcissist can fake it...but they're still only faking it.
EDIT: Another interesting thing he did/does... When he has a mood, like he is angry, he will say and do horrible things. But once the mood has passed, he won't account for them and expects/assumes everyone will forget them as quickly as his mood is gone. "You should have known I didn't mean that." or "I was in a bad place, I said a lot of things I didn't mean." are commonly said by him, but no one else is allowed that kind of leeway. Everyone else is held to what they've said, and if they didn't mean it, then he announces in outraged tones that they lied and they're a liar.
The people I've known that are truly narcissistic will only associate with those that will allow them and encourage them to continue believing what they believe.
I've noticed that they have few friends or friends who believe their lies. Most of their family has also realized what they do and will keep their distance from them, often not involving them in gatherings. They find out then they get extremely angry and voice it or retreat and keep those who "pump them up" close by.
In my case, I called my parents out on it. They no longer want contact with me or the other family members that come to my house. lol
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