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If your parent caused you anxiety/depression/etc. etc. but you are not abusive/manipulative to others, I would say that person can definitely blame their parent for certain issues. But yes it is their job to fix them. The ones that blame their parents for their abusive/manipulative behavior are never going to fix anything anyways, and have a permanent victim mentality whilst wreaking havoc on everyone else's lives.
There are single males (of various ages) who treat their mother almost as if she is their girlfriend or they actually kind of use their mother as their girlfriend or spouse, when they do not have one.
It's an emotional and psychological dependence.
And if the mother was harsh in the male's childhood, the male ends up seeking the mother's approval most of his life.
Awww this is sad. But, I think you've just described my brother & mom dearest. Great perspective.
Abuse could be the reason he is screwed up in general.
But I know a few parent-adult child codependent relationships and it seems that both the adult child and the parent are getting things they want from the dysfunction.
One friend complains about her adult son's failure to launch at 25 but she seems to
benefit by having someone at home to care for her dogs when she travels, has a
live in lawn caretaker, and secretly fears being alone (she is a widow).
I bet he has used his mom as the excuse from early childhood for not doing anything
he didn't want to do.
Exactly. My brother & I were abused. I left at 18. But, he still lives at home with mom dearest. He claims he's staying there to "stack his money so he can move eventually". But, he's been "stacking" for over 20 years. Meanwhile, still sleeps on her couch in a 1BD/1BA apt.
On the other hand, when asked why doesn't she date. She responds jokingly that having my brother at home is just like "having a husband" because she can't catch a break from all the cooking & cleaning. Very co-dependent on each other.
And if the mother was harsh in the male's childhood, the male ends up seeking the mother's approval most of his life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DutchessCottonPuff
Does this guy live on a little road southwest of Sonoma ?
You just described a 53 year old I know 100%
Quote:
Originally Posted by diva360
In all sincerity, I have known many adult men like this, and I am not kidding, many of them were dead by the time they were 30-50. I think he needs some therapy, as it seems that he might have borderline personality disorder (coupled
with OCD, as indicated by the hoarding behavior described).
...... and to wrap this up mine that I mentioned above DID die 3 months after i made that post . Yes he strung me along for 8 years with enough visits to know I was loved as much as he COULD love at least . He was found dead on the floor about a day after he passed . Mom finally had the sheriff break down his bedroom door . No drugs, it was something minor that turned major quick . Time ran out for him at 53 - which I had warned him of repeatedly the last few years .
Because he could not move away totally , I of course was no survivor and was treated as a serf at his funeral . I am lucky I was allowed to go . His Mom is a member of a religious cult in Ca ( I am very serious about this- I am not making fun of anyone but they are against Dr's and he died from a heart attack related to sepsis from a plain old UTI that went to the kidneys ) and had me wrap him in a shroud and then placed in this hideous, expensive but cheap looking casket - I offered to help pay for something else but no- a wooden box would have been nicer than this sealed thing , it reminded me of the Munster's "Dragula" car . I made up for it by actually crafting a spray out of 2 huge double bouquets of roses I quickly bought at Safeway - besides the things of our life i placed in with him . His mom did not want funeral personnel touching him ??? So the director stayed with me and my funeral director daughter stayed on speaker phone ( for extra support ) and we did this wrapping together and didn't tell her . His mom told the director , Let "Dutchess" do it . She is from the south, her PEOPLE know how to do that sort of thing ... please... my people ??? No we don't wrap people naked like a mummy unless it is a green burial , rare in the south . We cremate or bury -usually not naked.
I stayed with him until he was completely buried - he wanted to be cremated . Then traveled 800 miles back home by car with a lot of time to think .
Don't do this OP . I don't think I even want any friends of any kind anymore .
Keep in mind I was never even allowed on this woman's lawn, I was such a threat to her . Now I have had to block her from my phone and internet, she is VERY angry that I was the last person he spoke to 4 hours before death (approx) , told me he was sick , had hidden how sick he was from me , afraid of his moms reaction and asked me for help 800 miles away and this is the weirdest, worst grief I have ever been through ..
Last edited by DutchessCottonPuff; 05-25-2018 at 05:34 PM..
I'm more fascinated by your fixation with him - seriously, why is his psychology of such interest to you?
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
I've come to the conclusion that analyzing other peoples' dysfunction--especially those who aren't interested in changing their behavior--is a distraction from me improving my own life.
If he lived his early life with daily abuse, then he is still wanting his mother to love him, but of course that is not going to happen. He will never get the affirmation from her that he wants. But this desire still motivates him to orbit around her and hope for what will never have.
His inabiliy to function well is just fulfillment of everything he was told about himself when he was a child. And, if you are going to be punished no matter what you do or don’t do, then why try when you feel the outcome would always be failure.
These are my best guesses. But he still bears the responsibility fir being an adult. Plenty of people have moved past worst situations in their lives, and done OK.
And, there are always some people who never function well as adults, no matter their circumstances.
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