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"Not feeling it" is oftentimes code for things that aren't politically correct to say, like thinking someone is ugly. It can be genuine, but usually... . So I always take that line with a grain of salt. As for learning to improve my chances, I'm already doing that.
In what universe is it appropriate or helpful to tell an almost complete stranger that you think they're ugly?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
In what universe is it appropriate or helpful to tell an almost complete stranger that you think they're ugly?
It isn't appropriate, for sure, but I've had it happen with OLD. Had a woman recently after messaging her respond (paraphrase): OMG, you should look in a mirror (then unmatched me). Had another (she was 4 years younger) say "You look old enough to be my dad". Oh well!
Does anyone do this, though? Most people, men and women, get turned down with a "you're really great, but I just don't think we're a match." If some dude presented me with an itemized list of my perceived flaws, I'd think he was a nutjob.
That's pretty damn rude if you think about it. Most of the times I was rejected the woman was real nice about it and we ended up being friends. The ones who were rude about it made themselves very forgettable in the long run.
Of course you'd try to pin this on women. Men not handling rejection stems from them as boys not learning it, not because women decline to go out with them and don't tell them why.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
Does anyone do this, though? Most people, men and women, get turned down with a "you're really great, but I just don't think we're a match." If some dude presented me with an itemized list of my perceived flaws, I'd think he was a nutjob.
Ditto. And it's not like every date is owed an explanation as to why there won't be a second, third, fourth, etc. And the men I have broken things off with knew why things ended. They were made aware of incompatibilities or differences.
I actually hung out in a friend group last night with a guy that I talked to a bit on OKC but ended up rejecting ultimately. I learned I wanted and preferred older men, and he was too young. That was the main reason. Also, he's very, very good looking...and that is a weird thing for me. There is such a thing as a man being TOO pretty where I just, even if I enjoy very much looking at him, would be seriously uncomfortable with anything more. Guess because I am too aware of my own imperfections. It would heighten my self-judgment, and make me paranoid that he was judging me. It's not rational, but it's a thing, and I don't want to try and do a relationship where I've got to struggle against it. What is far better for me is finding someone of average looks and then getting to know them on the inside, and letting my feelings for them turn them into the most beautiful sight in my eyes. So much nicer than basic objective beauty, for me.
I only told him he was too young for me, at the time, though. The rest would be too weird to try and explain.
I hate when a guy I really like very much gets interested in me and I'm not willing or able to be with him though, I don't want to hurt his feelings and I know rejection doesn't feel nice. I feel very guilty about it. But the truth is, sometimes there are life reasons like how a man is maybe too young, or he has young children, that I don't really want in a relationship. A couple of them put me off by being total drama queens on social media. I might really enjoy their company in person, but if I log on the next day and see their angsty poetry or melodramatic emotional tantrums all spewed out like that on social media...it seems immature to me. No chill. It's a huge turn off. How do you tell a man that? It's not that I'm shaming him for having emotions, or even expressing them, it's a reaction to what seems like a very overblown reaction to something minor, or the manner and venue he has chosen.
The last time I parried the thrust of a direct advance by a friend of that nature, I simply told him, "Look, I think you're fantastic and I am very fond of you, and I even think you're a good looking dude. But I feel the same about a great many of my friends, you know...and I really don't have time to have sex with all of you." It made him laugh.
I actually hung out in a friend group last night with a guy that I talked to a bit on OKC but ended up rejecting ultimately. I learned I wanted and preferred older men, and he was too young. That was the main reason. Also, he's very, very good looking...and that is a weird thing for me. There is such a thing as a man being TOO pretty where I just, even if I enjoy very much looking at him, would be seriously uncomfortable with anything more. Guess because I am too aware of my own imperfections. It would heighten my self-judgment, and make me paranoid that he was judging me. It's not rational, but it's a thing, and I don't want to try and do a relationship where I've got to struggle against it. What is far better for me is finding someone of average looks and then getting to know them on the inside, and letting my feelings for them turn them into the most beautiful sight in my eyes. So much nicer than basic objective beauty, for me.
I only told him he was too young for me, at the time, though. The rest would be too weird to try and explain.
I hate when a guy I really like very much gets interested in me and I'm not willing or able to be with him though, I don't want to hurt his feelings and I know rejection doesn't feel nice. I feel very guilty about it. But the truth is, sometimes there are life reasons like how a man is maybe too young, or he has young children, that I don't really want in a relationship. A couple of them put me off by being total drama queens on social media. I might really enjoy their company in person, but if I log on the next day and see their angsty poetry or melodramatic emotional tantrums all spewed out like that on social media...it seems immature to me. No chill. It's a huge turn off. How do you tell a man that? It's not that I'm shaming him for having emotions, or even expressing them, it's a reaction to what seems like a very overblown reaction to something minor, or the manner and venue he has chosen.
The last time I parried the thrust of a direct advance by a friend of that nature, I simply told him, "Look, I think you're fantastic and I am very fond of you, and I even think you're a good looking dude. But I feel the same about a great many of my friends, you know...and I really don't have time to have sex with all of you." It made him laugh.
I'm sure these average guys you date would love to know they aren't good looking enough to make you insecure about a relationship which is why you gave them a chance lol
I'm sure these average guys you date would love to know they aren't good looking enough to make you insecure about a relationship which is why you gave them a chance lol
The man I am now with knows that his looks did not "wow" me right up front. He is a lot older than me, and he's well aware that he is average looking and doesn't come off as instantly remarkable. I have expressed great fascination and enjoyment of the fact that his best qualities lie beneath the surface and how wonderful it's been to discover him, and how honored I feel that he has shared himself with me like this. He says he kind of likes how most people underestimate him, or would never guess what kind of person he truly is just from looking at him.
And truly, that was just a sort of guess, a shot in the dark, on why it is that very attractive men put me off. They just make me nervous and uncomfortable.
Besides..."why I gave them a chance"... Well, it's part of why I did not reject them. They weren't too ugly, weren't too pretty, didn't have immediate dealbreakers or mannerisms that hit the brakes. After that though, to get "a chance" they had to bring inner qualities to the table to engage me with. I never want anyone just because of their looks.
It isn't appropriate, for sure, but I've had it happen with OLD. Had a woman recently after messaging her respond (paraphrase): OMG, you should look in a mirror (then unmatched me). Had another (she was 4 years younger) say "You look old enough to be my dad". Oh well!
I'll take the "thanks, but no thanks"
Agreed. If someone's not interested, just saying it simply is better. I don't wanna know why they're not interested. lol Because at the end of the day, them listing my flaws won't make them interested. And it definitely won't make me feel better.
Imo, rejection is NEVER fun or good. But at least keep it brief, rather than dragging it out with reasons or argument.
I've also had the feeling that the few men who asked to know why I wasn't interested (these were usually the ones I rejected before we even met in person, on dating apps, at least that I can recall)...the ones that wanted reasons, I always got the feeling that they wanted something they could argue with. Like, "give me a reason, so I can explain why you're wrong and change your mind."
How about no.
My lack of interest in dating someone is not a matter that is open for debate.
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. So I always take that line with a grain of salt. As for learning to improve my chances, I'm already doing that.
