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I come from a family of 10 kids and have always felt like and a outsider. For years I sent Christmas cards, called them on their birthdays, visited them every time I had a chance and anytime they called needing help I dropped what I was doing and went.
But, in return I receive very little if not anything at all in return. Since our parents have gone I've quit going to any the family reunions, calling them, visiting them and Christmas cards have come to a dead stop. I feel more relax, focusing my own marriage and enjoying it. I feel as though all of their poison has been draining away and I feel better for it.
So, am I wrong for walking away from them and moving on with my own life, or should I go back around them and start to feel miserable once again, just because we're siblings? Please note that I don't refer to them as brothers and sisters.
Well, the way you've described your situation, it doesn't look like there's any other answer but "No!" to your question "Am I wrong ...?" You use words like "poison" and "start to feel miserable once again." No, you don't need to subject yourself to that.
I am close friends with a woman who told her (poisonous) brother, "Just because we're related is no reason why we have to see each other once a year!"
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 4 days ago)
35,612 posts, read 17,940,183 times
Reputation: 50639
You're kind of describing your situation in two ways.
On the one hand, there is often a sibling who does a lot of reaching out, as you do. Sending cards, making calls, coming when needed. That's just life in a family - often one person connects a lot more often.
The other thing you are describing is your siblings treat you badly, and you call them "poison".
So. Do they call each other on their birthdays, send each other cards, come when needed for everyone but you, or do they all mostly treat each other similarly to the way they treat you - not making much effort at contact?
If you're being singled out to be rejected - and you don't know why - that's one thing. If in general they aren't in as much close contact as you'd like, that's another.
But yes. This is your choice how much contact you want to have, and if they make you miserable distancing yourself is probably wise.
OP you're not wrong for wanting to get away from any one-sided relationships.
Haven't had contact with my sister or brother for over 15 years and removing that negative stress from my life has been a godsend.
With my sister it was verbal abuse, constant put downs and insults. With my brother it was him constantly wanting something from me . . .otherwise I did not exist.
Just once I would have loved to have one of them call and just say, "Hi, how are you?" Instead of, "You are such a blankety-blank", or "I need".
It got real old always making excuses for them and kissing their behinds in hopes of fostering a healthy sibling relationship.
Why do you need validation. If they treat you badly or you don't feel close to any of them and they don't bother reaching out except when they need something then why feel bad. You are not cutting them off you are just letting go and not forcing a relationship you don't feel exists.
Thanks guys, you have a valid point. They do make me feel bad all the time. I'm the middle child, retired from the military, own my own business, work 7 days a week and I have a wife whom I love and respect very much. Oh, and they don't treat her with much respect either.
I come from a family of 10 kids and have always felt like and a outsider. For years I sent Christmas cards, called them on their birthdays, visited them every time I had a chance and anytime they called needing help I dropped what I was doing and went.
But, in return I receive very little if not anything at all in return. Since our parents have gone I've quit going to any the family reunions, calling them, visiting them and Christmas cards have come to a dead stop. I feel more relax, focusing my own marriage and enjoying it. I feel as though all of their poison has been draining away and I feel better for it.
So, am I wrong for walking away from them and moving on with my own life, or should I go back around them and start to feel miserable once again, just because we're siblings? Please note that I don't refer to them as brothers and sisters.
You are not wrong for taking care of yourself. It sounds like you are the family scapegoat/black sheep of a toxic family so putting some distance between you and them is a healthy thing to do.
Trying to keep up with all those siblings, good grief. I have 2 siblings and we've been scattered across the country for decades. I don't have tons in common with my brother and my sister passed last year, long story. My friends are my lifelines. Take care and concentrate on your new family and talk to siblings when and if. Don't burn bridges...is what I believe. J
Blood family is a biological accident. I was blessed with some amazing biological relatives in my cousins, but I've distanced myself from some of the others in my family for my own sanity and wellbeing. Nothing wrong with that. Do what you need to.
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