When Should a Parent Tell Their Offspring That Other Parent is Fatally Ill?
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
On New Years Eve, 45 years ago we visited my father in the hospital. While he had a "good day" the day before, he was semi-conscious, his legs waving in the air and the rest of him tied securely to the bed. The providers had unhooked the feeding tube, telling us that he (involuntarily) struggled too much. We understood it to mean that they knew the end was near and there was no point.
His sister and her significant other showed up after a New Years Eve engagement. My mother was told by the nurse that she was in party gear and wreaked of alcohol. She ordered the tubes reconnected, so they tied my father more securely (the way you would tie a cord of lumber) and put him back on. When I came back to the hospital I was livid. My mother said to just "let it be."
I went back to school the next day at the end of the holiday break. With a few dimes in my pocket to keep my tabs on what was going on. He died Thursday night/Friday morning.
...in the wee hours of the morning, my father passed away after his battle with cancer. The trip to the Jewish funeral home was beyond disgusting. Seeing my mother and I, both red heads (coincidence) sitting there the guy said "you know, this is a Jewish funeral home." Then he tried to convince us to buy a casket that was more expensive than we needed, for a cremation. Flatly against Jewish custom if not law. Now lets stop with the bad things.
28 years ago tomorrow, I met my (now) wife for the first time. She is the love of my life. The moral of the story; good things follow bad things.
Things were different back then and it wasn't unheard of that some patients were NOT told how serious their illness was ( I didn't agree then or now). Parents also tried to shield their children as much as they could from the truth so as to not worry them or burden them.
I think that people, at some level, can sense the obvious.
Since we're all "terminal," I would err on the side of being hopeful. People can see other people are sick, so there is that. I would just take the best care of the ill person possible and pray for miracles.
If they are on hospice, then you (meaning everyone) just have to cope and make their last days as comfortable as possible.
I don't think anything is gained by having macabre, dramatic conversations that will only depress and scare people.
Apparently the title alone reminded him of something painful in his life that he doesn't view with the same analytic approach you use. You can't decide what's emotionally difficult for someone else to read.
Apparently the title alone reminded him of something painful in his life that he doesn't view with the same analytic approach you use. You can't decide what's emotionally difficult for someone else to read.
It's up to that poster what to read. Some such posts contain lots of emotional language. I tried to make it relatively unobjectionable.
I mentioned this thread indirectly in another post, My husband had a massive heart attack this morning and died. (link to post on thread), and wanted the thread topic to remain on other people's tragic and untimely losses. This thread is a repository of such posts for me.
Even though my mother's marriage to my natural father was no legendary love affair (it was not a terrible marriage either) I suspect she felt the seasonal discord more of the joy of the Christmas 1972 holiday season more than I did. She did say at the time that the seasonal merriment bothered her. I responded that we are in a different religion so I didn't care much either way.
The truth is that my father had had his first operation Labor Day weekend 1971. I had read up on rectal cancer, and asked some doctors I met "offline" (as discussed above in thread) what the outlook was so the fatal recurrence hardly surprised me. I loved my father but by that point, at 15, I knew that I had to move on. Dragging it out was not going to help him, my mother or me.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.