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Things were different back then and it wasn't unheard of that some patients were NOT told how serious their illness was ( I didn't agree then or now). Parents also tried to shield their children as much as they could from the truth so as to not worry them or burden them. Fast forward: WHen I was going through the process of determining if I had breast cancer the last thing I wanted to do was worry my dear son. Once diagnosed though I felt he needed to know and he needed the right to do what any loving person wants to do for someone they love, offer support. I think your mother denied you that. 15 is a terrible age to lose a parent and is one of those defining moments in life that can alter it and determine the future relationships.
This -- and children were protected from such things.
OP -- in 1971, when I was 11, I was shuttled off to my Aunt's house in the middle of nowhere. My aunt was very kind, and we had a lot of fun, and I got to help with the kids... but I knew something was up.
There was a lot of tension at home, a lot of hushed voices...my mother was pulling her eye brows out -- a clear indication something was WRONG...
And in the two weeks I was at my aunts, she got to tell me my favorite uncle had died.
And I got to mourn him away from my parents, and when they came to pick him up, I bottled up my feelings like a good girl, and went home. We never talked about it.
It was over ten years later and after my father had died I finally got the story.
Short form -- my uncles heart was dire, he was in his small local hospital and needed surgery at a major university hospital, and my father was racing to save his brother. When they got him stabilized, they were going to take him to the airport and fly him to Pittsburgh. No matter what the time. I needed to be in a safe place, so they could take off even in the middle of the night.
They never got him stable, his heart finally gave out. My parents went to the funeral, and then picked me up.
Even at 11, I would have understood, but the feeling was why worry the child? But they should have told me -- they had three flipping hours in the car on the way to my aunts.
But that's what they did back then. And I don't think parents do that now.
And since this was pretty much the only parenting misstep my parents made...
I think the responsibility should be on the parent who is ill to determine when and how to tell the child. No third-party communication in healthy families, please.
wow, you have been thinking about this for 45 years???
Sad story, and I am sorry. However ... it is time to move on and live a happy life.
No. But I still live in the same area and have many of teh same friends. Some things are not constantly thought about but seared into my rather poor memory.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar
I think the responsibility should be on the parent who is ill to determine when and how to tell the child. No third-party communication in healthy families, please.
That person was not told the nature of his illness.
I understand that often docs did not tell patients they were dying in the past. I think it was too hard for your mother to talk about this. If the doctor had told both of them, together, it would have been easier for her to talk to you. And then, possibly they would have found the strength to tell you together.
Obviously, your family should have had this difficult conversation together. I am sorry yours did not, and it is obvious you were affected by your not being told.
Well, this hit close to home !
6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer and I told my son the next week so he would have time to come to terms with it over a longer period of time rather then just be slammed with the news.
It's like the 5 stages of death and he's doing well with acceptance so I was able to get everyone's "Rational" input in helping me get my life's affairs in order.
All these emotions and crying just make the journey forward harder.
wow, you have been thinking about this for 45 years???
Sad story, and I am sorry. However ... it is time to move on and live a happy life.
It doesn’t work like that. It’s a piece of his time line where his life changed. It’s seared into his memory. An anniversary brings it back. It’s very likely if he hadn’t looked at a calendar today, it wouldn’t have come back at all.
And it doesn’t mean he isn’t living a full and happy life. It’s just a memory that came by, knocked on the door and said ”Hello, revisit me!”
And he decided to share and gain a little perspective.
It doesn’t work like that. It’s a piece of his time line where his life changed. It’s seared into his memory. An anniversary brings it back. It’s very likely if he hadn’t looked at a calendar today, it wouldn’t have come back at all.
And it doesn’t mean he isn’t living a full and happy life. It’s just a memory that came by, knocked on the door and said ”Hello, revisit me!”
And he decided to share and gain a little perspective.
Exactly. Especially when the calendar this month is the same as 1972's, i.e. December 15 is a Friday.
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