Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The person is calm and rational one day and angry and hostile and emotionally explosive the next.
He also displays "fight or flight" behavior (flight) and wants to run whenever he becomes upset, which upsets me.
It is someone I care a lot about.
Can you identify what you have said when he gives this reaction....and is there a pattern to what you have said....you might be able to identify his "triggers".....Or, have you tried to ask him to identify the "why"?
Honestly, I don’t know why you would want to try to deal with it. I know that if I ever get another chance in life? I will never, ever, ever, EVER ... give someone a second chance, after one outburst, again.
Never.
At this point, it’s repulsive to me. Nauseating. In the first place, while they can be managed; you will never have another “true” interaction with this person again. It becomes a game. A never-ending intentional manipulation on your part, in response to their unintentional attempts at manipulating you.
This type of person, I’ve come to believe, becomes addicted to being angry. It’s a rush. You could mitigate all potential triggers & they will actually look for something to get upset about. It’s like they get insecure if they are not being obviously victimized. Even if you start out just witnessing the perceived transgressions, any type of empathy or sympathy will become positive reinforcement to the behavior. If you are reactive, you might become the “transgressor”.
The first thing you have to do is to stay calm. Almost ridiculously calm.
The more you disappoint them by not reacting, the less energy they are willing to expend to bait you. You become a “bunk fix”.
The next thing is to act oblivious. Even if the anger & inevitable suspicion & accusations are directed right at you, you have to pretend to not notice. Practice random cheerful comments that make no sense: “ Hey, did you hear that wind last night?”.
Or baiting them with a subject that subtly aligns the two of you together in an “us against them” scenario: “Did you notice how bad people are driving today?”
Be self-depreciating. Blink your eyes a lot. The sad thing is that if you try to be understanding, they will treat you like a tool. If you stand up for yourself, they will treat you like a scapegoat. I just am out of energy for all that anymore.
I can understand what you mean. Basically I no longer have an interest in that kind of emotional dance.
And, whether I put up with this type person or not for me directly correlates to what kind of relationship I have with them....Family you can't really walk away from....A new acquaintance likely I wouldn't invest more time with.
After getting to my senior age and having dealt with lots of types of people....I really try to avoid voluntarily investing my energy in folks that would behave this way.
Seemed when I was much younger I'd naturally wonder if I had done something....and of course part of figuring that out seems to play into the hands of someone given to this type dramatics....the attention is their payoff. It almost was never worth my time or efforts.
And, as I begin to mature....it became obvious that whatever I did, certainly didn't warrant that response. So my need to help became much more rational and logical......It is not my responsibility to fix someone.
Only family or long term friends would get that type energy and dedication now.
I used to have a hockey temper. Perhaps the best way to deal is to listen to them vent even though it may seem like they're taking it out on you. Eventually they'll calm down. If that doesn't work, physical force may be necessary. Just make sure you can actually kick their ass before attempting such a thing.
If this is you post-hockey temper, I want to know what Creature of the Wheel With Hockey Temper was like.
I had a relative like this and I would just walk away until they calmed down but when they started to get verbally abusive towards me and they would not respect my space and my asking them to stop I cut her off. Being angry is not an excuse to abuse others and lash out, they need to get help with anger management.
I have learned in life that it's not for me to tolerate, placate or appease someone just because they are angry,no matter who they are.
It can be difficult to manage people with an aggressive communication style. And that's what emotional outbursts as a way of communicating are: aggression. The person is say that they do not care you you feel, what your point of view is, or whether you want to hear what they are saying. They just want to assault you verbally, usually at a loud volume.
Most people can't keep this up for too long. They carry on for a while, and then they stop. Some people threaten to get physical. That's illegal. You don't have to allow it.
Sometimes, after they've blown over, if you have kept your cool and waited patiently for them to stop, you can reframe their message for them: "So let me get this straight: You're saying that you are upset because I left the copier lid up? And you want me to leave it down in the future? OK, I can handle that." The cool and brevity of your response to all of their bluster, your strong self-control, can reach some of these human grenades. They realize that they have been shamefully out of control, that they could have asked for what they wanted so much more simply, and if this happens a few times, might get them to change the way they talk to you.
Getting aggressive back won't work unless you're really big and scary. Going submissive is not an option unless you want to hear crap like this every day.
Family you can't really walk away from....A new acquaintance likely I wouldn't invest more time with.
I did and I have never been happier. But it is up to each individual what they choose to put up with. After continued statements of "claiming" to have changed and then doing the same thing over and over I pulled the no contact trigger. Never looked back.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
