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Many non-western and even some western cultures are enmeshed, where the family overall does more things together than in Anglo type individualised cultures. Obviously there are dysfunctional relationships in both types of cultures. I have some very Anglo relatives whom we joke about, saying they should be Greek or Italian, as the mother and adult daughter spend so much time together.
But I think in western countries the priority has become children first, partner second and I personally think that is the wrong way around.
I have various friends who have an adult child married to someone Chinese, Malaysian, Indian, Phillipino, Sri Lankan and Cambodian (all very common in Sydney) and all of them at this stage are very happy and live in what would be regarded as a conventional way.
It is more common in some cultures to respect and care for your elders.
Although, I never feel that this is in a positive alignment with marriage. I believe when a husband and wife marry that they are each other's first priority and leave their parents behind them so-to-speak. By this, I don't mean eliminate all communication, but that their spouse comes first and then children if they have any and then parents and then distant relatives.
Marriages like this can become extremely stressed because one spouse tends to end up feeling ignored. The marriage's priorities are lost on one side (the wife leaving her husband behind to care for parents for so long), but it still affects the entire marriage and it can do so in an extremely negative way.
If your nephew has strong feelings about this, he needs to talk to his wife. They both need to make a decision together. It's possible that it could have ended in arguments, or he realizes this is important to her so he allows it. It's possible he's tired of arguing about it so he ignores it.
Your nephew and wife should be focused on sustaining a roof over their heads, making sure they have food to eat, clean water to drink, and are taken care of first. She married your nephew, not her parents. There may even be resources that could help out with her parents that she could help set up for them - someone to take care of them in their home or someone that can swing by a few times a week to help them with whatever they need. She can call them on the phone or visit from time to time still, but it is important she focuses on her marriage.
I'm sure it works GREAT for him...and maybe okay for her if she started at the absolute bottom so this is some kind of improvement, relatively speaking. I feel badly for her.
So, how do you feel about the OP, where the wife puts others above her spouse?
Would you all be up in arms if it was a woman saying the same thing? No? Isn't that pretty sexist? Is it YOUR life to worry about? No? Knacker off then, if it works for those 2 people that's all that matters.
I say this because my wife has always been the major income earner between us, we go where she needs to be. At one point she put her family above me/my wants and we moved onto her parents property for a year. My options? Divorce/separation or go with her.... which brings it back to my point above.
While irritating as hell, she figured out that everything she Thought she missed about 'home' and 'family' turned out to be irritating as hell and we figured out how to deal with the situation we were in. She didn't decide for me, I supported her. The same can be true for the post everyone's all overly PC/aghast about.
Funny how people come out of the woodwork to be armchair judgemental with next to no information. Mark of tolerance, that is....
I have recently learned that this is common in Asian families. My nephew is about 40, and married a few years ago to a Vietnamese girl his age. They moved from Houston to SoCal where his job was.
Her family has had some tragedies so she has spent most of her married life with them back in Houston. My nephew lost his job, and his wife is rarely with him. It seems he is "OK" with it, from what his mother says, but who knows how he really feels.
Apparently in that culture, parents remain #1, and first obligations are to them, not the spouse.
My point in posting this, is to ask if anyone has run across this before? What eventually happened---divorce or just putting up with the situation? Obviously it's my nephew's choice, but I am just curious if others have experienced this, and how did it turn out?
There are people of different cultures and/or religions who put their parents first. It doesn't mean it is like that for "all" of them.
As for your nephew I hope he is OK with it and their marriage does survive it.
It is much easier when people marry each other who have similar outlooks. Good luck to him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonesg
Simply not true, especially not true with asians.
My wife is chinese, I told she she follows me , I don't follow a woman . If she doesn't support me I'd divorce her.
Don't expect a woman to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself.
That goes for any woman. Anywhere.
Lot of confused men around.I
Glad it works for you. How does she feel?
Quote:
Originally Posted by High Altitude
What, you mean I have been doing it all wrong for over 20 years.
I am going to go tell my wife this, be right back guys, I'll let you know how it goes.........
How did it go?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katana49
Well, she must have killed him. He didn't come back.
I was born and raised in the U.S., not from another culture and always believed children have a responsibility to take care of their parents. When my dad had a stroke and needed around the clock care 5 years ago, he moved in with us and, for two years, it was VERY challenging. I have since moved him to an assisted living facility because it was either that or get divorced. Although I "get it", I still resent having to had to do that. Yes, having to care for someone is a huge inconvenience but, aren't we supposed to do that for our parents? My dad has been in assisted living for over 2 years now, not overly happy but he accepts it. But I know he would rather still be living with us. Sometimes you have to make a choice.
I was born and raised in the U.S., not from another culture and always believed children have a responsibility to take care of their parents. When my dad had a stroke and needed around the clock care 5 years ago, he moved in with us and, for two years, it was VERY challenging. I have since moved him to an assisted living facility because it was either that or get divorced. Although I "get it", I still resent having to had to do that. Yes, having to care for someone is a huge inconvenience but, aren't we supposed to do that for our parents? My dad has been in assisted living for over 2 years now, not overly happy but he accepts it. But I know he would rather still be living with us. Sometimes you have to make a choice.
I think it also depends on how close your family is/was. Some families don't get along and had horrendous parents. I cannot imagine their grown children wanting to help them.
Fillial piety is very important in my dil's culture and there is a pressure to fulfill obligations but my son knew this when he married her. It can be a bit bit consuming at times but it's not a matter of putting them first at the expense of her husband, my son, it's a matter of meeting different needs within a family. It's all about compromise and finding balance and that's what you do when you marry. If people are the kind who state it's my way or the highway there is going to be a lot of resentment or problems no matter who they marry.
My husband is Vietnamese and I am Caucasian. His family's expectations of him have caused issues in our marriage a few times and he finally had to put up some boundaries with them.
His situation is a bit different as he is the eldest son (a big flippin' deal in most Asian cultures). First born sons are supposed to care for their parents one they hit retirement age, as in move the parents into their home and care for them until they die. He is first-generation American, so a lot of his family's traditions/customs are still very ingrained.
I told him before we got married that under no circumstance would his parents ever live with us or become our responsibility. I actually said the words "if they move in, I will move out." I told him that they both have good jobs, make good money, and can clearly afford to care for themselves now, so we would not be saddled with that burden just because they hit a certain age. If one of his other siblings wants to take on that role, have at it.
His mother has made comments to him before that his parents are still his priority regardless of the fact that he is married. His father has also called and demanded absolutely ridiculous things. My husband has gotten into shouting matches with his parents over this and we actually stopped talking to them for 3ish years because they were affecting our marriage. My husband understands our marriage comes first and he has (mostly) respected that in regards to dealing with his parents.
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