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I didn't want to be the mean one in pointing it out but since others have mentioned the math and precision in making pizza - maybe that comment is an indication that he is not quite used to working in the kitchen. Some men are great achievers at their workplace but useless around the home - maybe he is one of those and therefore his wife is quite annoyed that he never does anything around the house if he needs to and now messes up the kitchen with the new hobby.
Recently I started an after work hobby of pizza making. It is all math and precision and poses a great challenge which I enjoy, I love a great leisurely challenge as it relaxes me. So out of nowhere I'll get a jab like, "Who exactly do you think you are, and what are you trying to prove? Maybe instead of this house you should have bought us a pizzeria!"
She often exaggerates tasks and the extent of arguments. For example, if two things are discussed or argued over, then a day later she will often claim that it was 50 different things and make it seem as though she was totally encapsulated by these things and that the walls were closing in. Just now I had a thick pair of socks left downstairs and she decided to tell me that I was raised by wolves and never taught basic hygiene... now is that really necessary or worse, typical of a near 20 year old marriage?
Deep seated issues? Something more or less typical of a tired, aging marriage or what? Perhaps it is impossible to even scrape the surface of giving proper advice here but thought I'd just ask if anyone could relate anyway. Thanks.
So....You are actually in your kitchen everyday making pizza after work?
Do you clean up your mess? Or does your wife have to do that?
Do you spend your food money on your hobby? Is there plenty in your food budget plus the costs of your pizza ings?
Who eats all this pizza and ingredients?
Does your hobby interfere with your wife's use of the kitchen? Is your wife still making dinners?
Sorry...I know that you likely have a valid complaint if someone is saying innapropriate things to you....But, I cannot see myself being ok with what you describe as your "harmless" hobby.
I'd probably be p-ssed off too. And, marriage counseling might help you both get your feelings out in the open.
Is this a new behavior? If you do any reading on infidelity, you will find that partners frequently report that when their spouse was cheating, he/she became very critical about small things and picked fights. Hopefully that is not what is going on here, but it never hurts to contemplate all possible scenarios.
Absolutely true.
They pick these fights so that psychologically, they can justify why they're cheating. They're convincing themselves that you're a horrible human, and they're completely justified in walking away.
Another consideration could be that maybe she's jealous of the time you're spending, making pizzas. Especially if she was used to you spending time in the same room with her.
Some people encourage their partner's interests and hobbies...other's don't.
Okay, I'll give this a shot: I'm going to try to get inside your wife's head & tell your story back to you, from her possible perspective. I say possibly; because I don't know her & I could get this totally wrong.
And I'm not being mean here; you don't sound like that bad of a guy. The thought of a dude standing there, covered in flour from head to toe, with his mathematically engineered pizza is actually somewhat endearing... I'm just giving you some perspective:
Quote:
Originally Posted by boing
Thanks for all your responses. Sure there is info missing, you have no idea, lol. Here is the basis for what I think caused it:
She is from a cold region and so am I. In 2007 we were financially secure and decided to try something new and we blindly moved to the SW for a fun blitz. We agreed it was never meant to last more than a few years. Thought of it as a small respite before we made a major life decision on settling and maybe having kids.
The 2008 recession caused an implosion of real estate in our area and we lost most of the equity in the house we bought a year prior so we sold it and became renters. My inquiries about moving eventually fell on deaf ears and it looked like she was beginning to (IMO) settle us into a life of mediocrity
So you were ready for a change, came out west & bought a house in 2007.
The market implodes in 2008. You sell. And then you rent. And now; you want to move.
That would be a little annoying to me, as the initial agreement was " not meant to last more than a few years", VS. "We're outta there in a year if I don't like it".
Quote:
Originally Posted by boing
As such, nearly a decade passes like this and the SW was not working out for me, and so I thought, us in general. We always had to move around because of neighborhood decay and crime due to the lingering economic slump and the 'landlord based' transient nature of the town we lived in.
So I proposed a move to back east where I grew up, which was a small college town in MA. I thought moving to a place like this would have benefitted us in the best of ways. After all, we had been relatively successful financially speaking.
Ten years in this slumber and we never could get to talking seriously, time just disappeared and all of a sudden we're going grey and getting older. One night when we had criminals hiding in our backyard I just could not hold it in anymore and finally proposed my idea to get away from a negative life that we really didn't need, all in the name of an arid climate. Over the years she got caught up in reality TV and my proposition was met with fraught, as expected.
She told me that she would divorce me if I moved us to the east coast, and that the only place she was interested in moving to was Malibu, CA.
I'm going to take a leap here & make an assumption on your actual location: Lake Tahoe?
In which case; " 'landlord based' & transient" might technically be correct but not "transient" as in "train track yards & hobos" but "transient" as in it's a popular location for second-homes & family cabins & seasonal populations.
You make it sound like you were in a shoot em' up border town with the cartels running a human trafficking ring through your property.
But here is where, as a wife; "A little annoyed" would morph into "Now; I'm pissed off".
Because she doesn't sound opposed to moving at all. In fact; she has an idea. She has a desire for somewhere to try. She's been back East with you. She's been to the SW with you. She wants to try the West Coast & suddenly it's a deal-breaker?
Sorry but the " I thought moving to a place like this would have benefitted us in the best of ways. After all, we had been relatively successful financially speaking."... sounds suspiciously patriarchal when combined with the "She just wants to move to Malibu because of her silly reality-tv shows" insinuation.
Of course. Your decision making capability is mature & responsible. Her's is based on the fantasy lives of the "Real Housewives".
Quote:
Originally Posted by boing
Technically, I could afford something small there but it would be like living in a hut in a fire zone. Not what I really envisioned spending my hard earned money on, nor what I dreamed of doing with my life.
Wait. What happened to the "we were financially secure" & the " we had been relatively successful financially speaking."?
Now it's "your visions". "Your hard earned money". "Your dreams & your life."
Quote:
Originally Posted by boing
The more I would try to explain my feelings, ideas and dreams, the more she would fall into this reality TV abyss (which we all know glamorizes most all elements in a false manner). Anyway, one day I fell chronically ill and when I attempted to get a diagnosis locally, which lasted for 3 years going through dozens of docs, I was ultimately labeled a drug seeker and left undiagnosed
I became scared that something was seriously wrong with me and I would claim that I would have likely been properly diagnosed years ago back east, but I am stuck here going to these third world doctors from Carson City, NV.
She would tell me "This is America, its just what this country has to offer, get used to it", or "Go to LA to see a proper doctor, then... it does not mean you have to move because you're sick". She is right, but conveniently missed the point. We can afford to not have to travel because of sickness.
OMG. You actually can't see that she was hoping you'd find a great doctor in L.A. so that you would have a personal investment in moving there since her wishes & dreams didn't count?
Quote:
Originally Posted by boing
So I offered up a proposal..
I told her that she had a decade to ask me about a move to CA and she only ever brought it up once I proposed a move elsewhere, which was not fair at all.
Hey; I'm familiar with that tone & context of a conversation; I have 16-year-old twin girl daughters. My version sounds like this:
"You had all weekend to tell me that you needed to bring a Mexican food item to Spanish class tomorrow & that it counted for extra-credit. But you didn't bother to say anything until 10 pm on Sunday night? After I've already put your little brother put to bed & can't even go to the store?"
Yeah. Most grown, married women don't appreciate being spoken to like a little girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by boing
I told her that I'd find a nice place to settle back east and would fly her there to see the house and town. If she did not like the house, the vibe or the town I'd let it go and would agree to some type of compromise. We went, she claimed she loved everything about it and had no idea such a place even existed. Moving along.... divorce ideas fizzled and we actually bought the house. After we moved and on day one, she called the climate dreary, house drab, and town a depressing hellhole. If anyone has ever seen Gilmore Girls, this town is similar to Stars Hollow.
Week 3 I was diagnosed with a congenital spinal disease. It took 3 weeks to get access to quality healthcare where I chose to move to, after being pointlessly shifted around for 3 years in the SW. Is it my fault I did not get the diagnosis sooner? Sure. It is called a flight. But she won't even admit that is regional to this day, and tells me that I got lucky. Ugh...
A quaint, picture-postcard-perfect little town is only going to buy you so much time. Eventually, the reality that she was "almost there" but then her husband patronized, minimized & ostracized; her & her hopes & dreams ... Will come flooding back.
And the resentment starts to set in. And now you want her to do back-flips & circus tricks over your pizza?
I might be saying "Just what are you trying to prove?" too. Heck; your actually lucky. I'd be saying a lot more than that!
Recently I started an after work hobby of pizza making. It is all math and precision and poses a great challenge which I enjoy, I love a great leisurely challenge as it relaxes me. So out of nowhere I'll get a jab like, "Who exactly do you think you are, and what are you trying to prove? Maybe instead of this house you should have bought us a pizzeria!"
She often exaggerates tasks and the extent of arguments. For example, if two things are discussed or argued over, then a day later she will often claim that it was 50 different things and make it seem as though she was totally encapsulated by these things and that the walls were closing in. Just now I had a thick pair of socks left downstairs and she decided to tell me that I was raised by wolves and never taught basic hygiene... now is that really necessary or worse, typical of a near 20 year old marriage?
Deep seated issues? Something more or less typical of a tired, aging marriage or what? Perhaps it is impossible to even scrape the surface of giving proper advice here but thought I'd just ask if anyone could relate anyway. Thanks.
Leave her.
If she's giving you grief about such inconsequential stuff now the rest of your life will be a steady descent into hell.
You have a limited amount of time left on this planet - don't squander it on someone who obviously cares so little about you.
Deep seated issues? Something more or less typical of a tired, aging marriage or what? Perhaps it is impossible to even scrape the surface of giving proper advice here but thought I'd just ask if anyone could relate anyway. Thanks.
So, the way to begin fixing your marriage is to bring it up with your spouse... the other party in your marriage. And you keep bringing it up - trying new ways and different attitudes - until it happens or your marriage ends. Going outside of it [for what seems like sympathy] seems backwards.
Maybe you just don't want to be married anymore. Maybe it's time to have that discussion.
yes, me too! I want to see the math and precision that makes it a challenge to create a pizza.
I use calipers for proper spacing of toppings.
It's cooking, I do it every night. /shrug Using measurements and math is a part of that so the comments seem odd to me.
I'm trying to visualize how this works.... You come home from work, do your hobby of pizza making in the kitchen and then... Do you guys eat pizza every night? Doesn't that interfere with dinner preparation? Is your wife trying to diet? Do you clean up after yourself? Is working and making pizza taking up most of your time so you are not helping around the house?
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