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Old 03-31-2018, 08:19 PM
 
1,825 posts, read 1,412,160 times
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So perhaps I am a narcissist but maybe I am not. I am struggling with that question lately. I am not here to get assessed by you all but rather to see if others went through something similar.

A little background on me. 32, gay male. Growing up in grammar school I was a very popular kid, did great in school. Going into high school it was the same thing, only my looks started to play a role. My senior year in the yearbook I was voted "sexiest person" in school (out of a class of 900 and yes my school had that category). My parties made me even more popular and at the time even though I was in the closet I could get any girl I wanted. Basically anything I wanted I could have. In my high school job working at a sandwich shop, customers would tell me how handsome I was, charming, and always compliment me on my smile. Nonstop. I was great in school and great playing sports too.

Then came college and the exact same situation. Then I entered the work world, and the exact same thing. Coworkers who became friends would tell me that all the women and gay guys in the office wanted to know more about me and loved my personality. Many people at company parties wanted me to go home with them. Bosses would praise my work performance and how intelligent I was. I was known for my charm and every place I have worked I have been popular and have easily moved up in the ranks due to people liking me in combination with my hard work. My career has been very fruitful and success follows me in every place I have worked. Even at my new job I am getting praised constantly (even though I get insecure about that sometimes).

With my family, in many instances I have been told that I am so special and many people's favorites. It was known that I was my grandmother's favorite. With my uncles and aunts I have also been told that I am the favorite. With all my siblings I have also been told that I am the favorite. Even my stepparents have said that I am their favorite stepchild.

With friends its also the same deal. They are always telling me how special I am and complimenting me on looks, personality, and how their other friends love me so much. I am constantly invited as the +1 for events they get invited to. When I go with them I get a lot of attention and with my charms people are drawn to me. I then start to become friends with their friends. It's gotten to the point that I make friends so easily that I have too many and can't dedicate time to them all. I have people constantly texting me to hang out and but it's too many people. I know, boo-hoo right?

And dating? I have been able to get almost any guy I want. I even dated a gay celebrity. It's gotten to a point that I have a hard time making platonic gay friends because they all reveal their feelings for me, and tell me how different I am. That I stand out amongst others. I am so handsome. So sweet. So warm. Blah blah blah. It's gotten to the point where compliments bore me.

So where am I now? My entire life this has been my experience. I have been given so much attention, love, compliments, and from so many people and designated as a special person to them that it's gotten to my head. I indeed walk around thinking I am that much better, but I hide those thoughts exceptionally well. I tend to believe I am smarter than most. That I am better looking that most. And that I am the most liked in the room. Basically I think I am one of the greatest people in the world, and people should be honored to be around me. My ego has gotten so big that I am starting to realize that I am not sure what to do. I don't like it. I don' t think it's healthy. I can also see it take its toll when someone maybe smarter, better looking or more charming than me comes into play. I see them as competition and I up my game to match their level or surpass them. Yeah, I know, talk about insecurities.

The confusion though comes on the other end of the spectrum. Part of the reason people like me is that I am truly a warm person and very empathetic. With many friends and families I am the first one they reach out to because I am always there for them and a shoulder to cry on. And I don't do it to maintain an image, but I do it because I really do feel empathy for them. If I see someone sitting alone nervous at a party, I will approach them to feel comfortable because I hate seeing people in that way. I volunteer with homeless youth and in senior citizen homes, because I really do want to help. While it hurts to see those people going through difficult times, I want to find a way to give back. It hurts to see when my mom is struggling financially so I lend her money without her having to pay me back. I check in on my dad all the time in Florida because my siblings don't and I am the only one who really does. I know how lonely he gets so I want to make sure that he knows he's not alone. When my best friend's husband suffered a near death experience that left her alone caring for their newborn, 3 times a week I would bring them dinner or cook for them, and walk their dog, because I saw how she was struggling and I wanted to help. When my sister had to host a book club, and for emergency reasons couldn't cook the food for the event and was stressed out and crying, I told her I would cook all the food for her and her book club friends. I really do this stuff because I care and I hate seeing people suffer. To the point if someone cries it makes me want to cry.

Part of my problem is I receive too much love from everywhere and from everyone. In a way, part of the reason why I like to give back to others is because I know what it feels like to be loved in so many ways, that I want others to feel the same. I am also extremely warm and welcoming. People when they first meet me open up so quickly because I make them feel comfortable and welcomed. I have been told many times that they feel they have known me forever even if it's just been an hour that we met. The thing is I am also very open with myself. I allow myself to be vulnerable to everyone and I stay very optimistic. It's rare you will ever see me down, or sad, because I really am grateful for everything I have and have been given. I look at the bright side of everything and I try to help others do the same.

But lately I really do think I am "above others". That when I walk in a room people are looking at me and impressed. But it doesn't help that it's exactly what DOES happen. Today I was a baptism and I got a million compliments on my clothes, my looks and my body. I try not to let it get to my head, but it's a struggle. I feel like sometimes it makes me come as arrogant too. I feel like sometimes I come of ass overly cocky. Sometimes I get scared that my charms are being used to manipulate people, subconsciously, because I really am good at doing that. I dunno, it just feels like my ego has gotten so big, and everyone surrounding me doesn't help. I want to control this before it gets worse. I really don't want to become a complete narcissistic person. I don't like how "important" I think I am because it doesn't feel right or healthy.

Anyone ever in a similar boat?
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Old 03-31-2018, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Southern California
29,267 posts, read 16,655,017 times
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Little too long for me to totally read...you either are or you are not a narcissist. No, I'm not in your boat.
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Old 03-31-2018, 08:45 PM
 
1,825 posts, read 1,412,160 times
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So you are saying there is no way to help myself?
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Old 03-31-2018, 08:51 PM
 
Location: Southern California
29,267 posts, read 16,655,017 times
Reputation: 18903
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
So you are saying there is no way to help myself?
What do you want to change? Get involved with being of service and help others. I don't know what you are looking for here. Are you unhappy with yourself in general.
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Old 03-31-2018, 09:01 PM
 
3,403 posts, read 3,560,668 times
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How about change a way of thinking? Instead of thinking you are above others, think about what it matters. As of now, you are 32, that's fairly young, but before you know it, you might be five foot under the ground. We are all just passing by, and no one can be here forever. Ok, even if you are above average and better than most people around you, what's the point? Sometime when you are too smart, no one wants to know you because you make their small uniqueness become nothing. You know why an average person has more friends? That's because others can show something that can spark themselves among those group of people.

You can be the President of United States, CEO, or whatever you want, but at the end of the day, no one can beat the very first thing that we are slave of, TIME. As long as you define your existence as a human, you will always be the slave of time.

Since we all know we will die, maybe do something to help out the society. This society needs more help than ever now. If everyone only care about themselves, we might eventually go extinct. You probably don't care, but wouldn't it make you feel better knowing that you made a difference in this world? Even the small different for the people who is around you, like your parents or sibling, or maybe the friend that needs some kind of encouragement from you. There is always something you can do in life to help, is all about willingness.

Bottom line, forget about yourself, think more about others. Last thing, when you contribute, don't set yourself with an expectation of someone paying you anything back. At most, you should only expect someone saying thank you if not someone cursing at you.

Good luck.
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Old 03-31-2018, 09:28 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,412,743 times
Reputation: 53067
Being well-liked doesn't make someone a clinical narcissist...one major element of diagmostic criteria has to do with a severe lack of empathy.

You may be arrogant and self-absorbed, but that isn't clinical narcissism.
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Old 03-31-2018, 09:31 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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I honestly don't read anything that sounds like the psychological definition of narcissism in what you wrote.

You can be arrogant, entitled, and full of yourself without being narcissistic. You can find lots of info online about Narcissistic Personality Disorder to see if you check any of the boxes. Even unattractive people can be narcissists because it has to do with thinking they are the center of the universe.

Anyway, one problem with conceit is that it keeps you closed off to new experiences. Because you get SO much positive feedback, it's easy to believe the hype and think that you don't have room for improvement. You stay closed off to new thoughts and experiences.

So ... turn it back on others. Not reflexively, the minute someone compliments you. But let the compliments slide on past you and then stay focused on others. Increase your volunteer efforts to keep your soul turned outward instead of inward.
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Old 03-31-2018, 09:45 PM
 
8,192 posts, read 3,396,865 times
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You are very fortunate to have been born with superior looks and personality. You also have the intelligence to see the danger in your good fortune.

I think you will be ok. You can enjoy your good fortune, but you must continue to be aware and don't let yourself become arrogant or narcissistic.

It sounds like you are one in a million, so be glad about that. Your story illustrates the fact that life is a struggle for everyone, the winners and the losers.

And I think it will help if you don't take credit for what you are.
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Old 03-31-2018, 10:33 PM
 
6,281 posts, read 4,166,669 times
Reputation: 24751
Nope, not a narcissist, but very arrogant. superficial charm and looks don’t trump content and value of others.
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Old 04-01-2018, 01:22 AM
 
Location: Northern Maine
5,466 posts, read 3,048,968 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
So you are saying there is no way to help myself?
How does a person employ self help when self is the source of the problem. Self will only promote self, never its own reduction.
I think you have made some valuable insights and your concern is healthy .

You can be smarter, funnier, more successful, better dressed, better looking et etc, but that doesnt add up to being a BETTER person.
That's the lie the ego feeds to the mind.
Getting free of that isn't easy because ego don't go down without a fight.
You might try turning off the charm, dressing down a bit and ignoring your own mind.
The word manipulate is in operation here.
Identify how you massage people's needs and ease up on it.
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