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It took me 'til age 38 to not feel guilty for managing my own time or feeling the need to provide excuses or justifications for saying no. I'm entitled to my free time & owe no explanation to keep it to myself.
In the past, I've had plans, was feeling grim the day of, for whatever reason... exhausted, coming down with a cold, headache... & have gone to my detriment, because I felt guilty to cancel... regretted it every time. I'm not a lot of fun in any of the above circumstances & even though I tried my best, am sure I wasn't the most exuberant company.... didn't do myself any favors returning home feeling worse for wear either.
I've also spontaneously turned down last minute invites. Most of the time it was due to cold, snowy or rainy weather & not wanting to race out for public transport and/or I'd already gotten ready for bed, removed the makeup, put the hair up in a pile on the top of my head & was comfy. Didn't want to rush to spend an hour getting ready again, only to have to rinse & repeat when returning home, then rinse & repeat again in the morning.
If someone tells me no, it's fine. I don't expect a reason, don't ask & would almost rather not know. I've been a bit offended when someone's told me they can't go cuz they're going for a drink with a horrible ex or are off to a function they know they'll dislike. I don't want to hear I'm being turned down for something someone hates... doesn't make me feel very important in their lives.
So, no, don't feel guilty... & don't feel the need to offer a "valid" reason. "No, thank you, but can we take a raincheck" is valid. If the tables were turned, would you cajole your tired friend into doing something she didn't want to do or throw her shade if she didn't? Doubtful you would. You'll do it another time & enjoy it.
So the situation was like I was out all day somewhere and having a day out and after that said day out, I was so tired had an afternoon nap, woke up at 6:30pm and 5 minutes later my friend calls and asks me whether I would like to meet her somewhere, but the story about this I had a big day out, slept for the afternoon, woke up and then slightly after that got a call asking me to hang out but since I don't drive and rely on public transport (out with mum so thats how I had the day out somewhere remote and she drives) and wouldn't have been able to make it so I had to turn it down, what would you do??? would you feel bad about this situation about turning it down?? have you turned down last minute invites? please let me know???
Why would you feel bad? I don't understand. What is there to fee bad about? Could you explain?
The sad reality of last-minute invitations is that the person receiving that last-minute invitation is almost always the second (or third) choice for that particular social event. The person who tenders that last-minute invitation has almost surely attempted to entice other people first, and after they decline, then the invitation is offered to others--at the last minute.
The sad reality of last-minute invitations is that the person receiving that last-minute invitation is almost always the second (or third) choice for that particular social event. The person who tenders that last-minute invitation has almost surely attempted to entice other people first, and after they decline, then the invitation is offered to others--at the last minute.
No, thank you...
Yep. Or they are simply rude. I don't like friends who expect me to "tag along" with their plans. In other words, they make plans and then look for someone to tag along - as opposed to thinking, Hey, I'd love to spend some time with NoMoreSnowForMe, I think I'll call her and ask her if we can make arrangements to have some quality time together that works with both of our schedules."
Getting a call asking if I can go have dinner this evening - is the tag along invitation. I have decided that I don't do those anymore. That is the friend who will forget my birthday, never be available when I rarely need help or an ear to listen to a problem. They will always be too busy.
They are the same "friends" who call you when they're stuck in traffic because they are bored, but don't pick up the phone when you want to talk to them.
Yep. I'm done with tag along friends. And I don't feel bad about it.
By the way, I had a counselor tell me once how to deal with being able to say no even if I didn't have other plans, but just didn't want to go somewhere when someone called. You just tell them you have plans. Your plans can be just to put on pajamas and veg in front of the TV. You don't have to tell them that, but you also don't owe any more of an explanation than "Sorry, I can't, I have other plans."
Most people won't even ask what your plans are because they're already figuring out who else they can call. If they do actually ask, you can alway just say that it's private, but maybe you can get together another time.
Most people won't even ask what your plans are because they're already figuring out who else they can call.
And, when they have asked what my plans are, my standard response is: I am rotating my tires tonight, and because of my obsessive nature, I feel that I must carry out that task on schedule. I would LOVE to get together with you, but my extremely busy schedule mandates that I receive MUCH earlier notice of upcoming social events.
It's rare for me to accept an invitation like that on spur of the moment, and I think my friends know I'm that way. I've certainly declined enough of them. I'm sure it's disappointed them a few times but we still get together when it works out for us.
The sad reality of last-minute invitations is that the person receiving that last-minute invitation is almost always the second (or third) choice for that particular social event.
That could be the case, but in the past, I have come home from work & just called someone to see if they wanted to go for a drink. It was last minute, but maybe it depends on the friends... at the time, I had a lot of friends who didn't need arm twisting to take a walk to the local pub. In fact, it was hard to convince them to go anywhere other than a local pub.
I've also had "friends" who've called me on several occasions to join them for dessert at 10pm at a restaurant 15-mi away in a major city with impossible street parking on either end... meaning, they didn't want me to join for dinner, but since I'm the only one in the circle with a car, I'm expected to drive everyone home or at least to the subway. I've always turned down those offers, because I'm not an unpaid cab company, would never spend hours of time just to meet someone for a slice of lemon pie... in fact, if they were true friends, they'd have known that I never eaten sugar cuz I don't like it... & most importantly, I don't appreciate the sly attempts to insultingly use me as a free taxi service.
They were the types of folks who, as someone else mentioned, only contacted me for free services... haircuts, car rides, painting "parties". Recently, I heard an interview with Gary Vaynerchuk, the wine.com entrepreneur, who spoke about purging from our lives, people who affect us negatively, 1 by 1, as they only take up energy that could be better spent on someone else. He said if we do that with just 1 this week & feel the difference, we'll feel motivated to continue to treat ourselves better by not allowing takers into our lives or allow them to remain for so long. I did that a month ago with toxic family... didn't for years as I felt too guilty... but honestly, I feel as if a huge weight has lifted & feel better than I've felt in years. Wish I'd done it sooner.
What? I almost always turn down last-minute invites. I'm a busy person.
Why does this seem strange to you? Do you not get many offers to socialize? What is your actual concern?
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