Father In-law is abusive to my fiancé and family

[nobodysbusiness]

I would just treat him as a mental patient with physical disabilities. Don't expect anything from him - AND don't take any abuse. Stay away, as much as is possible.

[Harpaint]

Originally Posted by BirdieBelle

Calling him out won't do any good.

Your fiancee does seem to have a surprisingly healthy approach to her family dysfunction. If you really love your fiancee and see a long future with her, then you two should have a talk and make a pre-marriage pact that you two are going to be a team.

Together you will be like a fortress against all the "crazy" around you.

You will support each other when other family members make unreasonable demands on you.

I do not think you should pursue ANY relationship with this man beyond anything cordial and surface. I think you should support your fiancee's tendency to keep her dad at arm's length, and I think you should encourage her to explain to her mom that she is going to reinforce those emotional boundaries with her dad. She needs to let her mom know gently that she doesn't want her continued pressure to keep in touch with her dad.

Her parents have made their own choices. Now they need to back off and let their children make their own decisions about who they want in their own lives.

^^^ This TOTALLY. Don't get sucked in to their dysfunction and make your own choices together. Maybe also move away if necessary, especially if you plan to start a family.

[Harpaint]

Originally Posted by Mtully13

Oh, because of the math, let me clarify - moved from New York to Texas in the 2000s. Lol My Fiancé and I are both 27 😂

GOOD! By this age your right to be independent shouldn't be challenged by any sane person who truly has your best interests at heart. Look after yourselves and your own future family. Have a HAPPY MARRIAGE!!

[jlvs2run]

Originally Posted by Mtully13

She does a great job at boundaries and maintaining them, though she often feels she has to cross them when her mother begs her to call her father, she gives in and is left in tears after the call each time

Her mother's an enabler to the step dad's abuse of her daughter, and herself.

All parties need to set higher standards and stop putting up with him.

[kapikap]

Listen here guy, When you get married, you and your lady and the offspring are #1, everyone else, including her parents can get in line and take a number.

As for dad, it is obvious Mom is trying to hold it all together. Why would she not, it is her family right? Keeping cordial is ok and all, but it does not mean Dad can step all over his daughter anymore. The daughter is yours now. Set your foot down, before the wedding. Set terms now with your fiance, and go into couples counseling before you make another "life "decision.

You and your lady , are forming your own family, it is your business venture with her. No one should be telling you guys what to do, nor pulling a guilt trip. Adults do not need to behave this way. From experience, "adult up" for both of you and do not fall for the manipulation. Ultimately your fiance will make her own decisions, even if it means being without you. But hopefully she is brave enough, and smart enough to fix her relationship with her parents.

['M']

Originally Posted by Harpaint

GOOD! By this age your right to be independent shouldn't be challenged by any sane person who truly has your best interests at heart. Look after yourselves and your own future family. Have a HAPPY MARRIAGE!!

[Remington Steel]

Originally Posted by Mtully13

I’m new here, so hopefully I’m in the right spot. My situation has to do with my soon to be father I law, (I’ve been engaged for almost a year in a half now to my wonderful fiancé, whom I’ve been with for the last 5 years)
Her father, whom I’ve only known for roughly two years now since finnaly meeting him, is causing A LOT of emotional damage to my fiancé, her mother and her younger brother, and I’m now finding myself in his wake. Backstory - her father immigrated from Iran to New York in the mid 2000s, met her Guatmalean mother and BAM! The love of my life was made! After moving from New York to Texas, her fathers health started to decline,mentally at first (Deprrssion, anxiety) followed by a botched back surgery and later being diagnosed with Diabeties and Fibromalogia. Her mother and father have been separated for years now but are still legally married, predominantly for the insurance purposes as my fiancé has explained it. Her mother has A BIG heart and has been his primary caregiver and carried him on her insurance despite his emotional abuse towards her and their children. He is a 58 year old manl, toxic by my standards yet her mother is forcing her kids and myself to try and have a relationship with him (The kids want nothing to do with him as his torment has been too much to bare on them over the years) my fiancé tries her best to reach out with a phone call here and there, while maintains her boundaries. The call usually ends with him asking about her weight and why she’s not a doctor yet ( she has a Bachelors in Pyschology), sometimes he’ll throw in a F*** Y** or I’m going to kill myself if you don’t call me more often. YEAH! He guilt trips anyone over lack of reaching out if he can, yet disregards his disprespectfulness he imposes on the people around him when they do show up. He is without a doubt over medicating which I believe to be a part of the problem. I’m no doctor but to be prescribed Ambien, Xanex, Ocycodon while taking antidepressants and Insulin cannot too healthy. He’s already had one kidney removed due to cancer which feel may be in relation to the Illneses/medication he’s been cycling through the years. Though he can walk with the help of a Cain, or make it outside for a bite to eat, he has NO desire to eat better (McDonalds) or try to exercise, which I know could improve his situation some. I’m not trying to be harsh on anyone with illness but complacency is surely at play in my opionion, and chemical intervention the only soltuion I’m being told. So, he now is trying to get to know Me (understandably) and my mother in law is egging it on. My soon to be wife is saying I don’t have to do anything or subject myself to his ways, though I’m pretty level headed and objective on top of having similar experiences due to my own family. It’s only so foreign to me because I cringe at the emotional pain it causes my fiancé to have to pander to such an abusive man. Shes the sweetest woman I know and It burns me to see the toll it takes. As I try to navigate it all, I just want to ensure I’m doing right by her, and I don’t know weather thats calling this man out or appeasing him and her mother in the way the family has done thus far. Thoughts?

Thanks

How old is she?!