Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm not sure that's the "real tragedy," as you said, but it's good that you got out from under that ... and maybe you'd like to consider talking to a counselor to help you come to terms with it?
Thanks for the recommendation. I'll definitely check out that book. I really need to just accept everything that happened so I can move forward. I'm currently at a point where I'm angry and bitter about it all day every day.
I'm still in Oklahoma and cannot realistically leave for two more years. I've done the math and it just isn't
possible. However, I am peeking out of the closet and have a few supportive friends. I ultimately want to live in Portland, Denver, or perhaps Austin though.
While I have plenty to be angry about, it's not doing me any good. Continuing to constantly stew and pity party about this situation isn't going to fix it and isn't going to get me out of Oklahoma any faster. It's just going to continue to make me miserable and continue to have an impact on my mental (and physical) health. However, it's so hard to just accept it. I feel like I start to make progress and then a few days later I snap back. It doesn't help that my parents still have a lot of influence in my life, though I have really been trying to put distance there.
That book will give you exercises, that will help you move that negative energy out of your system. You can pound it out on a sofa with a tennis racket or plastic baseball bat. You can write poison pen letters, pouring all your thoughts onto the page, writing until you have nothing left to write, then create a ritual to dispose of the letter (NEVER send this type of letter). I find flames to be purifying. . You can burn it in the kitchen sink, or some other safe place, where there's water nearby, so you don't burn the house down.
OP, I only see your post here because others quoted it, since I put you on ignore from the political forum.
Despite that, I 100% support you and everyone's rights to be treated humanely no matter what their sexual preclusions are as long as they are consensual. I used to belong to a 90% gay gym in my early 20's...I stripped naked, took showers, and seriously....don't give a crap so you be you and embrace those that appreciate you. There are plenty of heteros like me out there these days...heck I live in KANSAS and I'd be super cool with you as a neighbor.
I grew up fairly fundamentalist myself so I recognize the mindset you are dealing with.
As someone that doesn't go to church anymore but considers themselves "christian" or at least agnostic.....I'm truly sorry.
Focus on yourself and your personal relationships. Your family may never change, I have no words for that, but stop blaming or regretting, life is too short.
No one can live a life pleasing everyone. I have *dear* friends with horrible parental relationships over a host of topics.
My own parents guilt me over stuff and we get along wonderfully otherwise.
Best of luck, there may be some non-profit support groups in your area (kinda like AA) that you can utilize.
Recognize the difference between "need" and "want.' It makes life easier.
If I said that I knew for certain that Oklahoma would become an independent dictatorship under a re-incarnated Hitler who would kill your parents immediately and then come after you, and I could prove that to you, could you simply pack up and leave Oklahoma in a moment? If I was a doctor and said that you had to move to a wetter state, like Florida, or you would DIE, could you simply pack up and leave Oklahoma in a moment? If you answered yes to either of these, you have begun to understand that you WANT to stay for whatever reason, but if your life was threatened (a clear NEED) you could move.
The migrations of people seeking a life elsewhere are staggering and ongoing. Syrians flee. Cubans fled. Jews fled Germany or died. The list goes down through history. These people fled with little more than the clothes on their backs. You'll have to accept that I don't buy your excuse for staying for one single second, especially given a couple of moves that I have made that were leaps of faith.
What you have right now is not an independent life. At 33 you are as much a teenager under your parent's control as you ever were. Some people like that. You state that you don't.
Your parents are who they are. They have chosen their lives and my guess is that they won't change. If THEY won't change, the only other change possible is if you change, right? You have made a CHOICE not to change, to accept the overburden, to not be true to your own goals or ideals. No one here or anywhere else can take the responsibility to change off your shoulders. No Glenda the good witch is going to float down and rescue you or point you on a yellow brick road.
Your complaints about your parents are impotent. They are impotent because you have decided not to step outside your comfort zone, to accept responsibility for debt that came about because of your parents' influence on you. You are afraid to leave a defective homelife.
The hooks in dysfunctional relationships are deep and painful to remove. Not removing them hurts more. If you stay and complain, I have no intention of reading further. That would only be hurtful to you by reinforcing what you are doing to yourself as acceptable.
OP, put on your big boy pants and do what makes you happy. Are you really in your 30's? Why are you letting your parent's dictate how you live your life?
For real... grow up and do what you want to do with your life. And an FYI...NC has a huge gay community so move back if you want, doubt you burned "all" your bridges there..
Also, I wonder if there's a support group you could seek out, where you live. Are you still in OK? Get out of OK. Also, avoid the Bible Belt. Would the West Coast be doable for you? Or maybe Colorado? Chicago, possibly?
((((((HUGS))))))
Ruth4Truth - even Colorado is in somewhat of a Bible Belt, unfortunately. We have lots of "transplants" from other states here. I've noticed our country is moving more toward this type of judgmental belief system. I think about this often now since I keep running into more and more people who think like this...not just with gays, but lots of other things, too. Where has the unconditional love that Jesus talked about gone? Years ago, my church (won't mention which denomination or hame of church) had a short workshop about homosexuality. We had two ministers, both PhD's. Super intelligent and empathic ministers. The minister who put this talk together - along with some very good print outs - probably at least 20 pages - from the Bible - did an exceptional job. The end result was that the Bible does not condemn gays. I was very glad to see this because I've always had gay friends and know the problems they can have.
I have read about these processes that are supposed to cleanse gays of their gayness. This is very abusive and damaging to the human spirit, IMO, and is not something anyone should try. Accept yourself, find friends who accept you and don't judge you. Be very selective about the people you allow to come into your life. You are OK just the way you are.
OP, put on your big boy pants and do what makes you happy. Are you really in your 30's? Why are you letting your parent's dictate how you live your life?
For real... grow up and do what you want to do with your life. And an FYI...NC has a huge gay community so move back if you want, doubt you burned "all" your bridges there..
My oldest son is gay and while his father didn't speak to him for a few months when he found out, he got over it and there was never any issue after he accepted it. OP you need to sever ties with your parents if they can't love and accept you for who you are otherwise you are never going to be happy.
Recognize the difference between "need" and "want.' It makes life easier.
If I said that I knew for certain that Oklahoma would become an independent dictatorship under a re-incarnated Hitler who would kill your parents immediately and then come after you, and I could prove that to you, could you simply pack up and leave Oklahoma in a moment? If I was a doctor and said that you had to move to a wetter state, like Florida, or you would DIE, could you simply pack up and leave Oklahoma in a moment? If you answered yes to either of these, you have begun to understand that you WANT to stay for whatever reason, but if your life was threatened (a clear NEED) you could move.
The migrations of people seeking a life elsewhere are staggering and ongoing. Syrians flee. Cubans fled. Jews fled Germany or died. The list goes down through history. These people fled with little more than the clothes on their backs. You'll have to accept that I don't buy your excuse for staying for one single second, especially given a couple of moves that I have made that were leaps of faith.
What you have right now is not an independent life. At 33 you are as much a teenager under your parent's control as you ever were. Some people like that. You state that you don't.
Your parents are who they are. They have chosen their lives and my guess is that they won't change. If THEY won't change, the only other change possible is if you change, right? You have made a CHOICE not to change, to accept the overburden, to not be true to your own goals or ideals. No one here or anywhere else can take the responsibility to change off your shoulders. No Glenda the good witch is going to float down and rescue you or point you on a yellow brick road.
Your complaints about your parents are impotent. They are impotent because you have decided not to step outside your comfort zone, to accept responsibility for debt that came about because of your parents' influence on you. You are afraid to leave a defective homelife.
The hooks in dysfunctional relationships are deep and painful to remove. Not removing them hurts more. If you stay and complain, I have no intention of reading further. That would only be hurtful to you by reinforcing what you are doing to yourself as acceptable.
I have never really looked at this way but I guess you are right. I could leave now, but it would be financially risky for me to do so and I would also face significant backlash from my parents. I am choosing to stay in this situation because I don't want to shake things up with my family. Waiting two years will allow the transition to be much smoother. The situation I went through previously was quite traumatizing and I'm not sure I have what it takes to go through that again. Looking back, at the time I decided to submit to them, go back into the closet, and throw away the life I was building for myself, I was to a point where I either had to do that or cut them off. Their continual passive-aggressive bullying was taking its toll and things weren't going to end well if things continued the way they were. At the time, I couldn't bring myself to cut them out completely so I ended up submitting.
As for being like a teenager living at home, I definitely think that is an accurate description for my first few years after moving back to Oklahoma. These days I've been trying to put some distance from my family. While I am not at the point I really should be, it would be easier to stand my ground now than it was back then. The distance has allowed me to come to terms with a lot of things that I couldn't have with my parents more involved in my life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 'M'
Ruth4Truth - even Colorado is in somewhat of a Bible Belt, unfortunately. We have lots of "transplants" from other states here. I've noticed our country is moving more toward this type of judgmental belief system. I think about this often now since I keep running into more and more people who think like this...not just with gays, but lots of other things, too. Where has the unconditional love that Jesus talked about gone? Years ago, my church (won't mention which denomination or hame of church) had a short workshop about homosexuality. We had two ministers, both PhD's. Super intelligent and empathic ministers. The minister who put this talk together - along with some very good print outs - probably at least 20 pages - from the Bible - did an exceptional job. The end result was that the Bible does not condemn gays. I was very glad to see this because I've always had gay friends and know the problems they can have.
I have read about these processes that are supposed to cleanse gays of their gayness. This is very abusive and damaging to the human spirit, IMO, and is not something anyone should try. Accept yourself, find friends who accept you and don't judge you. Be very selective about the people you allow to come into your life. You are OK just the way you are.
I know Colorado Springs has a lot of evangelical influence, but there are few places where it's as dominant as Oklahoma. I've always thought the Bible wasn't quite as cut and dry on homosexuality as fundamentalists try to say it is. I'm not sure I would say our country is moving more towards judgmental, bigoted religion. It's simply that the current political moment has empowered the kind of people who think that way and they are currently very vocal. That's another topic though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ForLoveOnly
OP, put on your big boy pants and do what makes you happy. Are you really in your 30's? Why are you letting your parent's dictate how you live your life?
For real... grow up and do what you want to do with your life. And an FYI...NC has a huge gay community so move back if you want, doubt you burned "all" your bridges there..
I know. I should be well beyond this kind of stuff at this age. This is stuff that people in their early twenties typically deal with. Truth is, I have been down this road before but ended up submitting to my parents. The result has been that I have lost almost a decade of my life and am going to have to re-live some of the most difficult times I ever had to live through in order to break free again.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. You can burn it in the kitchen sink, or some other safe place, where there's water nearby, so you don't burn the house down.
