The current political climate has changed my approach to new friendships (people)

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts

How are they "excellent points"? The previous post provided no factual basis for anything they said, and merely contradicted my points which were factual.

Hee hee I didn't see any footnotes in your post. I love how YOUR opinions are facts while mine are ... ?

Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts

Ok, true, I'm going ahead and expressing my opinions despite not being in the OP's shoes. But by that poster's standards, no one has the right to comment on the OP's situation.

Not at all what I said.

Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts

What's more, I do know what it's like to be in the minority, having lived in Asia ...

This ^^^ is the corollary of the "I have lots of black friends..." postulate.

Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts

But: I learned to transcend these difficulties and live my life as best as I can, treat each person as an individual and not assign them some kind of group characteristics, and command people's respect through my accomplishments rather than merely through existing. Mind you, I'm not perfect; I'm still learning.

That is awesome. I would assert that the OP is still doing that also, since she's still here.

Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts

I would say, these are lessons the OP has yet to learn. It's no fault of hers; it's simply how she was raised and educated, and how she perceives her role and place in this world. To her credit, she has reached out here for the perspective and (supposed) wisdom of the community, and we are responding, some more harshly than others certainly.

Filtering those responses is part of learning, too. The mocking is uncalled for, and the mods obviously agree on that.

Part of learning also is taking a hard look at our own behaviors and evaluating whether we should be so sure of ourselves, that we are actually on the "right" side of the equation.

[craigiri]

Originally Posted by jade408

I have been coming to terms with how Trump’s election has affected me. There are some subtle and not so subtle behavior changes I have had in the past 18 months. (Late 30s black female who grew up in white-majority suburbia)

I am struggling to read books - especially non-fiction which is where I have put my energy in. Want to avoid potential distress.

I am a pretty social person and get along with most people pretty easily. I tend to go to a good number of social and networking events. People connect with me easily and I almost always leave with a few new acquaintances.

I met someone recently and he has it worse than me, he actively is avoiding socializing in settings with mostly white crowds. Preferring to stay home or only go out with people he knows.

Anyone else having similar feelings?

What do you consider a "microaggression"? Is this a new buzzword of sorts.

I am highly educated and very well read and have been around the public for 50+ years and until very recently never heard the word.

I'd appreciate knowing what you perceive it is......

I certainly understand trying to ignore or put ones attention into things other than Trumpland. It's like a bad dream....really....and that's from someone who lived through the 60's, riots, vietnam era, me-me-me era, all the wars and the great recession, etc.

I have never...ever seen so much hate spewing from many people. Luckily most of those people are nowhere near my social circle...or family. I do avoid parts of the family who I know WILL spew hate...but they have been spewing it for 40 years.

The problem now is the people seem to feel freer to spew their hate. They seem to have forgotten some of the basic rules of life (at least my rules)...

Discretion is the better part of valor.
No - I don't want to know everything you are thinking.
Sometimes when someone comes out of their shell - you find yourself wishing they would crawl back in.
and so forth...

I've been a "radical" since the 60's-- at least inside my head.
I've also always known (and black folks should REALLY know this) that only a very thin layer separated most Americans from Authoritarianism. That small amount of shielding has been mostly removed now....and anything is OK with this "minority" of our population...

But all is not lost. Today I saw a statistic that fully 2/3 of all females disapprove of Trump. That means a LOT more females than just black or latino...

Maybe luckily, I'm older now so my social world is kids, grandkids, old friends and maybe a neighbor here and there. When it comes to neighbors and/or new acquaintances, I always let them open their mouths first...that is, I'm not about to discuss politics and/or assume they are reasonable people off-the-bat. They have to prove themselves first.

There are lots of reasonable people left in this country...and I always had to highly qualify friends and others because - frankly - there are a lot of arseholes in this world (pre or post Trump). The difference today is that those arseholes decided they want to spit in all our faces in public and private instead of keeping their thoughts to themselves.

[Mikala43]

I think it is unfair to assign ethnicity with politics, unfair to people you meet, and unfair to yourself.

I am 51, half Mexican, quarter Swedish and quarter English.

I find myself also coming to terms with the current political climate but differently I suppose. I really thought racism was something barely remaining, but have realized it is far from true.

Different for me as I live in a state where white is the minority. When looking for our retirement area, I actually talked to people in the city we were looking at to make sure they weren't too white-centric. Not for myself, but just because I find it disturbing.

I honestly do not believe more segregation is the answer, which is kinda what you are doing. I understand, but disagree.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by craigiri

What do you consider a "microaggression"? Is this a new buzzword of sorts.

"Your post is annoying but in an impressive sense."

I'm just making this up, I'm not serious about the above, I just intended to send you a mock microaggression, perhaps to give you the sense of being the recipient of a microaggression.

Oh it is so telling that microaggression does not show up in my spell checker. It is already an entrenched lib-speak in our language.

Again I want to make the point that I am merely spoofing a microaggression (and hope I got it right, I don't use this tactic often), for the purpose of illustration.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

I think it is unfair to assign ethnicity with politics, unfair to people you meet, and unfair to yourself.

I am 51, half Mexican, quarter Swedish and quarter English.

I find myself also coming to terms with the current political climate but differently I suppose. I really thought racism was something barely remaining, but have realized it is far from true.

Different for me as I live in a state where white is the minority. When looking for our retirement area, I actually talked to people in the city we were looking at to make sure they weren't too white-centric. Not for myself, but just because I find it disturbing.

I honestly do not believe more segregation is the answer, which is kinda what you are doing. I understand, but disagree.

Mikala, what a good post! And I'm glad a mod is showing the fleet colors, your appearance to hark that forum staff is reading this topic.

What you have is that ethnicity + politics = identity politics. Once you go there, how do you recover from that? When you go identity politics, it's my identity vs. your identity, and none of us can change our identity. I am a white, semi-agnostic/semi-spiritual, heterosexual, senior citizen male. Just how do I change any of my identity?

Well I'll tell you. I just make friends despite their "identity." I give them new identities. They are just friends. Some are Jewish, some are Catholic, some are white or black or Asian or Mexicano. I'm just frustrated that others seem to make an issue out of my choice of my friends.

Mikala, I hope we can become friends. Yeah, you being a mod, I won't get mad if you gig me. I'll go over to my own forum and kick the dog.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by jade408

I go into meetings and people assume I am the sectratary and not the decision maker or key stakeholder.

Meh, don't feel to bad about that, or attribute it to something in error.

I am "tinted". In a state with mainly "tinted" people.

You would be shocked at the number of times I was asked if I was the receptionist, when asked where I worked (a high ranking political office). I was the Business Manager, but people always assumed secretary or something similar. I don't dress inappropriately or anything that might make one think I was in a position like that. It is just people's mindset.

[jade408]

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy

AND you're female. I can SO relate to the part I bolded. I used to work for a mortgage escrow company. I trained new employees. One guy I was training was ALWAYS going to MY boss, challenging the stuff I was teaching him. It was ridiculous.


One time, I was telling him something, and he hopped right out of his chair, went to our supervisor, and reworded what I told him as if to ask if HIS WAY (which was actually my way) was correct or not. I wasn't more than 3 feet away from both of them. Our supervisor confirmed that what I had said was correct, even though she thought it was HIS way. This had me boiling.


Later in the day, I went to our supervisor and told her what was going on. I also laughingly told her that ONE of us was wasting our time, if both of us had to tell him the same information over and over.

These people are so annoying!!!!

In my current job, most of my coworkers are. pretty good, besides this one guy. Even the technical people, which is a plus. Thy are actively seeking my input which is a miracle.

Originally Posted by Mathguy

Q: Do you look particularily young for your age? I've had some friends struggle with looking younger than they are and having credibility issues. (Regardless it would still be ignorance on their part, just a different kind)

The secretary stuff, that's messed up, funny how you talk about living in a progressive area but I don't see people doing stupid stuff like that where I work in fly-over country but perhaps that's more a marketing field thing.

As for the a-hole co-worker, idea stealer and so forth I've had to deal with them all and I'm a white dude.

Heck, I have a friend that had to deal with HR because he didn't like the work quality of his new assistant and they went to HR saying he had issues working with Asians and women.

I don't have to worry about someone thinking I'm "the secretary" but I do have to worry about someone flagging me either via malice or misunderstanding as being a creepy old white guy. Heck I got read the riot act when talking in another thread about interns when I said I'd invite a male intern out for a beer after work but not a female intern unless it was a group thing. I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable and I wouldn't want to create even the implication that I was up to something.

I look a little young, but still old enough to look somewhat experienced.

It is often hard to sort out the why on these behaviors. I look for other pattern before I decide they may be sexist or racist. Idea stealer was sexist. He treated my male teammates differently and they noticed. The current guy is harder read, but seems to be sexist mostly.

For other posters still confused about microagressions, a really common set happens when shopping. Clerks follow you around, imply you can’t afford stuff. Or ignore you altogether. I can’t tell you how many times I have walked past a store clerk who ignored me outright and greets a person behind me really warmly. That’s my cue to leave the store.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by jade408

For other posters still confused about microagressions, a really common set happens when shopping. Clerks follow you around, imply you can’t afford stuff. Or ignore you altogether. I can’t tell you how many times I have walked past a store clerk who ignored me outright and greets a person behind me really warmly. That’s my cue to leave the store.

If you are non-white then I can totally understand your annoyance. I'm white and have a gold Figaro chain nailed to my wrist and another on my neck, and bling on my fingers. I dress t-shirt, blue jeans, cowboy boots. I'm shopping while white.

They fall all over themselves showing me stuff. Everybody knows that you buy jewelry in pawn shops and coin dealers who carry jewelry, and the prices as marked are their wet dreams.

My BS detector tells me they treat you differently than me. Don't blame me, it's them. Neither of us got to pick our racial identity.

Actually I have to beg for service at Walmart. If they shun there they shun everybody equally.

[chessgeek]

Originally Posted by Travel Crazy

Look who got offended. While calling someone else offended...incorrectly!
Cannot make this nonsense up.
LOL, this thread has gone off the rails. But, then it started that way.

Amused and offended are two different things. Nice try. Just pointed out where he was offended and I was correct. Please read both posts again.

Btw, it looks like you got seriously offended. I did not roll eyes. Yes, off the rails partly due to posts like yours. Kept mine classy. Pot meet kettle again.

[chessgeek]

Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts

How are they "excellent points"? The previous post provided no factual basis for anything they said, and merely contradicted my points which were factual.

Consider this statement: "It doesn't stop you from minimizing her experience, obviously"

Ok, true, I'm going ahead and expressing my opinions despite not being in the OP's shoes. But by that poster's standards, no one has the right to comment on the OP's situation.

What's more, I do know what it's like to be in the minority, having lived in Asia for an extended time while younger. It's not easy, and at times it was horrible. Learning the language, I came to realize I was being insulted and belittled on a daily basis. I was even threatened physically at times. The experience nearly broke me.

But: I learned to transcend these difficulties and live my life as best as I can, treat each person as an individual and not assign them some kind of group characteristics, and command people's respect through my accomplishments rather than merely through existing. Mind you, I'm not perfect; I'm still learning.

I would say, these are lessons the OP has yet to learn. It's no fault of hers; it's simply how she was raised and educated, and how she perceives her role and place in this world. To her credit, she has reached out here for the perspective and (supposed) wisdom of the community, and we are responding, some more harshly than others certainly.

The most excellent point she made IMO was "Jade's secretary example was perfect. Imagine having a Master's degree and 10 years of professional experience only to have someone assume you are an admin because, in their mind, the boss should be a certain type of person".

I could not detect any empathy for her in your post, but we are supposed to empathize with you about your Asia experience. If you want that empathy, you should consider providing some to other people, too. After all, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Now how would you feel if I minimized your experience in Asia by saying "Quit playing the victim card. No one forced you to go to Asia. You could have stayed in the USA."? That was for demonstration purposes. I would certainly be wrong to do that. Hopefully, this helps you see how wrong it is to minimize someone else's struggles and challenges against bigotry and racism that are no fault of their own.

I am glad you have transcended those difficulties. Let's also give the OP credit for transcending hers, too, even if her way of dealing with it may not be exactly the same as yours. I think this can still be a civil, mutually respectful thread.