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My father has a number of health issues and he doesn't take care of himself at all. He recently had all 5 toes on his right foot amputated and he's still making the choice to smoke 2+ packs of cigarettes every day and eat whatever he wants even though he's a diabetic, and his main arteries are completely clogged from his feet up to his waist. He's extremely verbally abusive to my mother and the only reason she hasn't left him yet is because she trying to save up enough money to leave. My brother has autism and he's nonverbal so someone will always have to take care of him, and my mom wants to make sure she has enough saved up to be able to take care of both of them.
My father has been a complete nightmare to deal with since he has returned home from being in the hospital for 2 months. He screams and curses at almost everyone when they say something he doesn't like. He my mother "she's retarded just like her son". I have to work very hard to not punch him in the face or just flat out curse at him and call him everything under the sun. He has some people outside of the immediate household fooled into believing that my mother is a horrible person who doesn't care anything about him and that she doesn't take care of him. Some people has started treating her coldly as a result of his lies. Even after years and years of knowing that my father lies and manipulates, it still shocks me how he continues to be an awful human being even with everything going on with him and his health. I'm trying to not resent him but it's becoming harder and harder to ignore his antics.
Wow. What an utterly, creepy person. Put him in a state nursing home. He would probably be happier there, anyway, and his health might get better. Also, your mother would then not have to save up to move.
Not sure, but to start the process I think you might have to contact a social worker. Please do this TODAY. It is in everyone's best interest.
Before I returned to college I worked briefly as an activity leader in two retirement homes, one private, one state. I played piano for them for hours on end, went from room to room playing the violin, brought my white shepherd for pet therapy, taught seated ballet classes in the morning, directed the choir which entertained at other facilities (and drove the bus), did "reality orientation" and art classes. It's a good job to get you to face the realities of life and your own mortality--and old folks are interesting. Some, like your dad, do very well in this environment.
Check the facility out first to make sure it's clean and the residents are comfortable and feel safe. TALK to them (the residents) -- you could even volunteer. When I did this, some 40 years ago, only 5% of the elderly were in nursing homes. Don't be afraid of them.
He belongs in a nursing home.
Oh, and by the way: don't feel guilty for putting him in a nursing facility. He probably has brain damage and it will be to his advantage, even though he may object at first. Don't let him or anyone guilt trip you. It's hard, I know, but it's for the best. He'll be much happier, long term.
Last edited by KaraZetterberg153; 05-29-2018 at 05:54 AM..
Film him the next time he starts up. I'd play it back for him and then tell him the next time he behaves abusively, you'll be posting it online. At the very least, have it in your pocket to present to social services so you can get him placed in a facility. Your mother needs to get out ASAP and consult a lawyer about divorce proceedings - what would be best for her and your brother?
Beyond that, I would just focus on making sure your mother has all her ducks in a row. Are you still in the house?
Film him the next time he starts up. I'd play it back for him and then tell him the next time he behaves abusively, you'll be posting it online. At the very least, have it in your pocket to present to social services so you can get him placed in a facility. Your mother needs to get out ASAP and consult a lawyer about divorce proceedings - what would be best for her and your brother?
Beyond that, I would just focus on making sure your mother has all her ducks in a row. Are you still in the house?
I have moved back home with my parents for a few months to help them out with errands and household stuff and so that my mother doesn't go crazy trying to deal with my dad and my brother all of the time by herself. She and I have discussed recording some of the stuff he says and does so that we can have some sort of proof when the time presents itself to show it to someone. It would be best for my mother and brother to just leave and stay with me at one of my properties for a little while until the divorce is finalized. No one should have to continue being subjected to that type of constant emotional abuse. Thanks for the recording suggestion.
My father has a number of health issues and he doesn't take care of himself at all. He recently had all 5 toes on his right foot amputated and he's still making the choice to smoke 2+ packs of cigarettes every day and eat whatever he wants even though he's a diabetic, and his main arteries are completely clogged from his feet up to his waist. He's extremely verbally abusive to my mother and the only reason she hasn't left him yet is because she trying to save up enough money to leave. My brother has autism and he's nonverbal so someone will always have to take care of him, and my mom wants to make sure she has enough saved up to be able to take care of both of them.
My father has been a complete nightmare to deal with since he has returned home from being in the hospital for 2 months. He screams and curses at almost everyone when they say something he doesn't like. He my mother "she's retarded just like her son". I have to work very hard to not punch him in the face or just flat out curse at him and call him everything under the sun. He has some people outside of the immediate household fooled into believing that my mother is a horrible person who doesn't care anything about him and that she doesn't take care of him. Some people has started treating her coldly as a result of his lies. Even after years and years of knowing that my father lies and manipulates, it still shocks me how he continues to be an awful human being even with everything going on with him and his health. I'm trying to not resent him but it's becoming harder and harder to ignore his antics.
Your Dad has a death wish. That's the first thing I thought of when reading your comments. He hates life and hates himself so he's, effectively, killing himself.
That household sounds so toxic and he seems so far-gone, I would focus on getting all of you out of there and let him stay and rage at himself. Your Mother, you and your brother would have such peace to get away from that abuse and stress.
I have moved back home with my parents for a few months to help them out with errands and household stuff and so that my mother doesn't go crazy trying to deal with my dad and my brother all of the time by herself. She and I have discussed recording some of the stuff he says and does so that we can have some sort of proof when the time presents itself to show it to someone. It would be best for my mother and brother to just leave and stay with me at one of my properties for a little while until the divorce is finalized. No one should have to continue being subjected to that type of constant emotional abuse. Thanks for the recording suggestion.
Why does your mom want a divorce? Are you sure that's the best thing for her financially? She may lose access to his retirement, pension, etc.
What do you hope to accomplish in the months you will be living there? In that space of time will you be able to do all the "errands and household stuff" and make sure your mom "doesn't go crazy"...
...and then what? You leave?
It doesn't sound like you have any sort of long-term plan to get her out of the situation. So why exactly are you there?
Why not move her into "one of your properties" permanently and not just "for a little while"?
Why does your mom want a divorce? Are you sure that's the best thing for her financially? She may lose access to his retirement, pension, etc.
What do you hope to accomplish in the months you will be living there? In that space of time will you be able to do all the "errands and household stuff" and make sure your mom "doesn't go crazy"...
...and then what? You leave?
It doesn't sound like you have any sort of long-term plan to get her out of the situation. So why exactly are you there?
Why not move her into "one of your properties" permanently and not just "for a little while"?
She wants to get a divorce for many reasons, but primarily for her mental health. As far as a long term plan is concerned, I do have one. I'm there helping to cook, clean, run errands, and anything my mom needs help with so she's not the main person doing everything by herself all of the time. The plan is for her to save some more money up for a few more months and I'm going to contribute some of my funds to her savings and pay off all her major credit card bills. I have approached her about moving into one of my properties on a long term basis, but she said she doesn't like the area that they are located in (they're located in the same city she lives in and she wants to leave the area). I'm going to help by her a home in a desirable location. She's moving out with me the same time that I leave. I refuse to leave her and my brother there once I'm out. I have also set up arrangements for my brother to be in a day time program for people with special needs so that he can be out of the house and give my mom a break. On top of that, I'm helping her find lawyers to sort out the legal mess that comes with trying to get a divorce. As far as the pension and everything is concerned, my father is absolutely awful to her, so she's made peace with possibly not getting his pension, etc as long as she can live the rest of her life in peace and not be treated like crap.
YOU are a wonderful son.
Were I your mom, I would definitely move out...to any "home in a desirable location" my compassionate son suggested.
I agree with everything you're doing for her.....so glad she's got you to lean on.
YOU are amazing.
I believe mom should move out, but I wouldn't get the divorce were I her.
She can separate from the abusive husband...live elsewhere.....and collect the pension as well....
YOU are a wonderful son.
Were I your mom, I would definitely move out...to any "home in a desirable location" my compassionate son suggested.
I agree with everything you're doing for her.....so glad she's got you to lean on.
YOU are amazing.
I believe mom should move out, but I wouldn't get the divorce were I her.
She can separate from the abusive husband...live elsewhere.....and collect the pension as well....
Thanks. Purehuman, but I'm her daughter, lol. It's impossible for anyone to know that based on my screen name. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her and my brother out of this situation. One of the reasons she wants to get a divorce versus staying separated is because she wants to dabble in the world of investment properties as well and try to buy a cheap home and rent it out for extra income. She is worried that by legally staying married to him it will cause complications for her trying to delve into real estate since he would legally be entitled to own part of the property. If I'm able to help get her set up with real estate investing, she won't have to depend on his pension and social security. She has stated that at some point she doesn't want to depend on his retirement income or anything else from him to live comfortably. I think once she's gone she just wants to sever as many ties as possible.
Thanks. Purehuman, but I'm her daughter, lol. It's impossible for anyone to know that based on my screen name. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her and my brother out of this situation. One of the reasons she wants to get a divorce versus staying separated is because she wants to dabble in the world of investment properties as well and try to buy a cheap home and rent it out for extra income. She is worried that by legally staying married to him it will cause complications for her trying to delve into real estate since he would legally be entitled to own part of the property. If I'm able to help get her set up with real estate investing, she won't have to depend on his pension and social security. She has stated that at some point she doesn't want to depend on his retirement income or anything else from him to live comfortably. I think once she's gone she just wants to sever as many ties as possible.
I hope that as a dutiful daughter, you have disabused her of this notion, and told her that she is entitled to certain assets, and that as a SAH caregiver, she is still entitled to half of the assets acquired during the marriage.
"Severing ties" happens as part of the divorce settlement. She can walk away with her settlement and never needs to speak with him again.
I am sure you have also told her not to make any decisions about divorce from an emotional perspective.
Curiously, you have never mentioned whether your father also wants a divorce. From what you say, it seems your mother intends to keep his disabled son away from him forever also as part of "severing ties."
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