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Thanks for this further info. It seems like the only effective boundaries you can set is by relocating out of their close vicinity.That might give you more peace of mind, and they wouldn't have easy access to your kids, either.
OP, this sounds very challenging and unpleasant. I don't envy you. Of all the cases of narcissistic parents I've heard of, and known personally, yours win the prize.
And it sounds like that second therapist would be the one to go with, for now.
We can’t relocate right now but thanks to our therapist, we no longer allow them unsupervised access to the kids. Parents however don’t really value interactions with Kids unless they are on their terms. So we have really cut back visitations, and they have not requested them very much either. They probably have less interest in our kids because they don’t call enough and show them the admiration they feel they deserve. Probably part of their problem as well.
OP: You sound very entitled, hostile, and unappreciative. No parents are perfect. You are not perfect and I hope your kids have more respect for you than you do for your parents. Everyone does the best they can with what they know.
How about doing an inventory of all of the GOOD THINGS your parents have done for you and the privileges you enjoyed because of them and their efforts.
Look up "filial laws" and read about filial responsibility in Asian cultures.
The bible also says to "Honor thy father and mother."
I hope you get some appreciation for them before it's too late.
I agree: you don't owe them squat. And I'd tell them so. See what they'll do.
The other day father called and started telling me that I need to be warmer, apologize for the bad words and thank them for everything. I feel like they did not do anything beyond what any reasonable parents would do for their child, I also feel like my family and I did what a reasonable good grown up son what do for them, it it’s never enough!
OP: You sound very entitled, hostile, and unappreciative. No parents are perfect. You are not perfect and I hope your kids have more respect for you than you do for your parents. Everyone does the best they can with what they know.
How about doing an inventory of all of the GOOD THINGS your parents have done for you and the privileges you enjoyed because of them and their efforts.
Look up "filial laws" and read about filial responsibility in Asian cultures.
The bible also says to "Honor thy father and mother."
I hope you get some appreciation for them before it's too late.
You sound really selfish and self-absorbed.
I get what your saying. But if your family is being hurt by parents due to mental illness and toxicity should you just go down with them because they’re your parents?
Here is what I found about filial laws (which don’t apply in my state):
Filial responsibility laws are laws that impose a duty upon third parties, usually adult children for the support of their impoverished parents. The key concept is impoverished, as there is no requirement that the parent be aged.
I’m not sure how this is relevant? I would help them if they are in trouble. I am not Asian as well.
Last edited by rocky12345; 07-21-2018 at 12:35 PM..
The other day father called and started telling me that I need to be warmer, apologize for the bad words and thank them for everything. I feel like they did not do anything beyond what any reasonable parents would do for their child, I also feel like my family and I did what a reasonable good grown up son what do for them, it it’s never enough!
Well, it's just me but why not tell them how you feel. I disagree with the poster who is criticizing you, citing the bible and Asian culture. I'm kind of assertive when it comes to issues like this but my parents respected me and knew better than to try and push me around.
Again, tell them how you feel. It will clear the air. They might also change their behavior since what they're currently doing isn't working.
reciprocity. Look it up. Its a system that actually works!
I had 4 sets of parental figures....My natural ones and three that were foster parents. I got the spectrum of styles and vile antics. to put it simply I also GOT to learn and practice forgiveness , not FOR them but for the choices that were made.
How you choose to RE-ACT to your past is yours to resolve. But resolve it you can.
If you so , willingly, choose to stay in the angst and label your parents...that again is YOUR choice and not necessarily the reality of the deeds or attitudes.
I absolutely have no qualms in saying for most ...our HUMAN (man made and absolutely with flaws) parents made some decisions that affected our upbringing...they instilled values and gave up some opportunities in favor of the FAMILY unit. I have solid family values that include respecting those who inspired and humbled themselves in many ways.
Maybe after the loss of a parent I gained a new perspective and actually Walked their path ...and from that I learned how to love and be there for family.
I often find a sense of "superiority" with children who grow up but not really mature. A mature adult would put forth a bit more effort in acceptance and walking the path.
So yes I do owe in a humble way much regard , admiration and love for my parents.
I get what your saying. But if your family is being hurt by parents due to mental illness and toxicity should you just go down with them because they’re your parents?
Here is what I found about filial laws (which don’t apply in my state):
Filial responsibility laws are laws that impose a duty upon third parties, usually adult children for the support of their impoverished parents. The key concept is impoverished, as there is no requirement that the parent be aged.
I’m not sure how this is relevant? I would help them if they are in trouble. I am not Asian as well.
The Asian concept of filial responsibility has far more to do with morals, loyalty, and customs than laws that enforce people helping their dependent relatives - it's a mindset. I thought you might get something out of learning about it.
If you have issues with your parents, get yourself in therapy to resolve YOUR issues . . . in the meantime, count your blessings - literally - think of all of the GOOD things your parents have done for you.
You need to forgive them - your unforgiveness can poison your own life. Resentment is very ugly and can make you sick. You are not "winning" by being an ******* yourself. Try some love, understanding, gratitude, and compassion. And let bygones be bygones. Expect the best and focus on GOOD.
I wonder if there is a cultural component to how you think about parents? The older non American people may respect, love and tend to their parents regardless of what they do and how they treat you. While the younger American generation view the parental relationship as one that must be mutually respectful or else...
I wonder if there is a cultural component to how you think about parents? The older non American people may respect, love and tend to their parents regardless of what they do and how they treat you. While the younger American generation view the parental relationship as one that must be mutually respectful or else...
Well, it takes maturity and exposure to culture in order to recognize it as such. A very young child may have no sense of "culture" at the age they are responding to their upbringing. All they know is what they are taught and how they are treated. It might be cultural, it might be specific to those particular parents and a manifestation of how they were raised. By the time the children are old enough to put these things into a cultural perspective, the pattern might already be set.
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